4+1 Weeks Postpartum

Sooooooo the last four weeks have been interesting!

Somehow I have managed to keep the baby alive and she has just about near killed me. It has been such a relentless slog but all in all everything has been going really well.

I have always wanted to breastfeed and right from the moment she came into the world, she latched on to my boob and we haven't looked back. During the first few days my nipples scabbed over and it could be very painful at times, but once the scabs peeled off it quickly became painless and even pleasant. She had this habit of sucking them raw and just when I thought I couldn't take it any more, she'd do this flicking thing with her tongue that tickles in a very pleasant way. I think it was by about day 10 that it no longer hurt.

The thing that really surprised me is how I disregarded the guidelines and still have done very well with it. The one piece of advice I was given that was very helpful was to keep her back aligned with her head but the rest of it just seemed to over complicate things. All that stuff about the perfect latch and bringing the baby to boob was just a source of stress. I simply didn't have the arm strength to hold her, the pillows are a faff and my boobs are too big to not to have to heave them up towards her. I think it all boils down to your supply and resolve being sufficient and baby having the ability and being given the opportunity to figure it out in its own time.

I did intend on expressing and bottle feeding but that hasn't happened because I'm enjoying breastfeeding so much, even if it does have its drawbacks. Feeds every 1-3 hours 24/7 being the main issue I face for obvious reasons.

I have never experienced tiredness like this before and the biggest battle is with myself - willing my eyes to stay open, my mind to stay clear and my body to keep moving when all every shred of my being is screaming to collapse into a heap.

An average amount of sleep for me is 2-6 hours within any 24 hour period. That is broken sleep too and sometimes I don't even know if I've been asleep or not. All I know is that baby is stirring - again.

I sometimes manage an additional 2 hour nap during the day but I find it very hard to sleep unless I'm in complete silence and darkness. Needless to say after 29 days of exhaustion, the shine does start to tarnish on the perfect little family. James is starting to get on my nerves and even the baby has provoked a frustrated sigh out of me.

James started out very well. He made all my meals, went shopping, fetched all my things at a whim, washed all the clothes and kept the house fairly clean. He also gets 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. 

Then he started asking to go on the PC and going out with his mates mountain biking and suddenly spending 1 hour in the kitchen per day, 2 hours shopping with a Starbucks break, maybe 30 mins cleaning, 30 mins sorting out the washing and passing me the remote when I dropped it didn't seem like much compared to my 24 hour slog with the baby.

I'm still trying to figure out how to divvy up the hours better but he seems to be using the breastfeeding as a get out of jail free card because only I can feed her and "she'll want it soon". If she ever cries he thinks it's boobie time and passes her to me and it mostly is but not all the time, and those times he should be taking her. It's getting to the point now where she just wants me for comfort because he's never been there for her when she's upset.

James is super defensive though. I have tried bringing it up with him and he is just adamant that he's doing loads and I'm not arguing that point... It's just not much compared to me. It's as if he interprets any suggestion of improvement as a critisism of his ability of being a good daddy.

He is a very good daddy though. The situation isn't his intention, he is very willing and able, but we've jointly created a bit of issue of me being the baby's sole provider of food and comfort.

I even do 95% of the nappy changes!

Actually though, the nappy changing is one of my favourite interactions with her. She's awake, alert and partially naked and I get to play and talk to her while checking that everything is clean and healthy.

She also gets to show a bit of her personality, which no surprise is that of a little sod. She loves nothing more than messing a fresh nappy, normally before it's even fastened! That results in poo being shot at me and urine making a beeline for her clothing. My record so far is five dirty nappies during one change!

Her poo was actually quite pleasant. It looked and smelled like liquid custard. I say was, because since she hit 3 weeks old it's turned orange and smells like rotten fish.

Since that time she has also gone from a very content baby to a little madam in the evenings. She's had some awful screaming fits recently and they are only just starting to fade and I think that hard winding and tummy massage has created most of the improvement.

At first they were shocking but once you realise that she isn't dying and it's just noise, I'm not bothered by it at all. All that bothers me is the timing of it, normally meal times and chill out time. Or sleep time! Oh, and of course her not being able to communicate what she's crying about.

I've been surprised at how quickly other women dealing with the same sort of issues have gone and grabbed a prescription medication. I feel very much in the minority for letting her suffer through it. It's as if crying is an illness. Actually being awake at all seems to be an illness too as I saw a lady chatting about their baby sleeping for several hours after a "carton" of (I assume) formula milk on facebook. All the other women were jumping at it.

I think it's all the fussing is just part of her development though as her digestive system matures and starts to produce acid, cultivate bacteria and create more gases.

As for her development, she is obviously very advanced. Seriously though, I'm amazed at some of the things she can do. She can hold her head up for several seconds and even sat up for a second or two just today. She can army crawl from my groin right up to my shoulder and when she gets to the top she rolls down my arm - it's crazy. In the last couple of days she has started focussing her eyes on objects too.

I think she's a bit lacking with her hands though. She can grip but she doesn't often. You know how some babies you can't get near to without them clamping a vice like grip around your finger, well she doesn't do that. I think it's probably my fault for keeping her in mitts all the time. The thing is that she is a scratcher and she enjoys clawing her own face. Even after I trim her nails, she leaves angry red marks everywhere.

Furthermore, she likes to suck. I ended up with a sucker. Her first choice being her fist and I don't want a thumb sucker. In spite of myself I've offered her my own finger and even a dummy but only for a few moments until she goes from hysterical to dozy. I haven't let her go to sleep sucking. I'm so scared of her always needing something to suck on. It's bad for her teeth, it's bad for her speech and rightly or wrongly it looks like lazy parenting.

She is growing very well though. Born at 7lb 15oz, dropping to 7lb 5oz on day 3, being 8lb on day 10 and then by day 17 being 8lb 9oz!

Other things to note is that a rotting belly button stump smells worse than you ever imagine and bf babies are very spotty.

As for parenting in general, it's fantastic. The sense of satisfaction and achievement from your child simply liking you is phenomenal. I've only just gone out with her for the first time yesterday and I've got a couple of other trips planned this week. It's a bit nerve wracking but the desire to escape the house far outweighs the fear sooner or later.

Be wary of how quickly they change and grow though. Every day I wake and hardly recognise her.

Regarding my physical state and recovery from pregnancy and labour, my stitches fell out about a week ago and I just stopped bleeding yesterday. So much for 9 months of no periods... You certainly make up for it! 

I dropped 1 and a half stone since labour with another stone to lose and I've gone up two dress sizes from my pre pregnancy size *sigh*. No diets allowed for a breastfeeding mummy though.

My round tummy finally seems to be starting to deflate which is something I guess.

You'll be happy to know I'm also covered in stretchmarks. I've been chatting to some facebook pregnancy buddies and it seems some of us got them during or after labour. I think that I got mine during. It sounds crazy but she was really high right until the induction and there are no stretchmarks there and then during labour she would have suddenly dropped and I think she shredded me as she went. They're all over my lower gut and even amongst my pubic hair and they are huge and purple.

I haven't dared to look at my vagina yet but from washing it I can tell it feels very different. Where my vaginal entrance is, there was some skin that kind of stretched across a bit of it near my perrineum. Well, that's all completely gone and what used to feel like a hidden entrance now feels very much exposed and... larger.

I think that's about it.

I'm not sure how often I'm going to update my blog, maybe every month. I'm just not sure what I'd write about until I start my next treatment as I don't really like the idea of exposing specific information about my child to strangers as it seems to diminish how precious those moments are.

Sorry no labour story yet, i have a draft going but to be honest it seems more and more unimportant to recall it as time goes on. I'll get it done.

She's Here! - 4 Days Postpartum

Firstly a humongous apology for the lack of update, I hate it when that happens but I'm sure some of you will understand while the rest of you are either extremely lucky or unlucky not to be able to.

Trust when I say that this is literally the first time I've had my iPad out since Sunday night.

Secondly, a massive thank you to everyone that has shown a genuine interest in how it all turned out for me, James and our baby girl - which leads me to proudly introduce:

Edith Elizabeth born 27th January at 18:30 weighing 7lb 15oz!

She's a perfect little lady, knows what she wants so is very content as long as she gets it which is an easy request :)

The labour was the worst experience of my entire life and a million times worse than I ever imagined possible, but I'll do a proper labour and birth story for that.

I ended up in theatre and was in hospital for two nights, one of them being in the high dependancy unit, but rather me than Edith.

We came home in a bad way on Weds and have been physically and emotionally suffering since because of the labour, the early hours of today being literally the first that I've slept since 6am Monday morning (except 5 hours staggered about) which explains me finally getting ahold of my iPad just now.

Anyway, going to go. My arse is sore sitting like this and I have a baby girl in my arms who desparately requires her mummy to kiss her face while she sleeps.

40+7 Weeks Pregnant

Well, technically I'm actually 40+10 days pregnant according to the Nhs. I disagree with that gestation, but at the end of the day that is how I'd compare to the rest of the population who would all have their gestation based upon their 12 week dating scan too.

They don't count in weeks after 40, you get to 40 weeks and then they count the days beyond that which is why I'm "+10" as in I'm 10 days overdue.

This week has been a hard one. Not gruelling hard, but emotionally challenging. Everyone likes to think that their lives will pan out a certain way in the absence of reason to assume otherwise and yet without any hint of the reason why, my baby has decided to refuse to make an appearance and doesn't seem to have any intention of making an appearance anytime soon.

Unfortunately that then forces you to start looking for reasons and, while I do skim over the prospect that maybe she is just happy in my belly with my dedication to supplementation, eating well and having consistently perfect vital stats, it is hard not to dwell on the possibility that maybe there is an unforeseen problem. The main two possibilities that I focus on is that my pelvis is crap and she can't settle into it nor escape from it or that she is wrapped in the umbilical cord and left dangling.

So, I've been mostly fretting and stressing.

Now that I'm at the end of the week and only 38 hours away from my induction I'm finally feeling a bit more reflective and even grateful to an extent.

You do try to appreciate what you have but sometimes you can lose yourself in preparations and worries, especially when you don't know when or how it will all come to its conclusion.

Now that I know how and when it will happen, I am able to take advantage of savouring the final moments. I can memorise how she feels, how she moves, how I look. She's quite wiggly today and while James is sitting there with the rugby on, I'm watching her and interacting with her and talking to her. We've discussed how mangled she feels and how she needs to be brave on Monday and how I hope she has blue eyes.

I've convinced myself she is her father in every which way so the eye colour is the only thing that might identify us as mother and daughter in photos and things. I'm under no delusion though. Her resemblance to me is going to start and finish at her stubby legs which I'm sure she'll be very grateful for... Not.

I wish I had something more special planned for tomorrow as it will be our very last day as a couple but I don't know what might even be a good idea. Where will we be banned from once we have a baby?

Symptom wise I'm exactly the same as I was. A bit moody sometimes and I'm more blocked up in the toilet department, but besides that I'm just the same. 

There is a god in the weight department. I was so close to the next stone range last week and I was extremely nervous jumping on the scales this week but thank fuck I haven't put any on! Yessssssss!

Another Uneventful Day - 40+6

Honestly, I thought something might have happened yesterday because of my back and bladder pain but it didn't. When I woke up feeling amazingly well rested it was both welcome and disappointing.

There was a slight incident during the night because I had a pillow between my knees and at some ungodly hour I woke to find that my knee had been twisted and it was absolute agony. The pain didn't linger for too long once I got it moving though and I slept deeply either side of the interruption.

I woke up with not a hint of a ache anywhere and I felt reinvigorated. Briefly.

I think i lasted until lunchtime before a dark mood befell me and I was on the lookout for an argument. Fortunately I didn't get one, but James did escape only by the skin of his teeth. All of his sighing and moping is going to get him maimed sooner or later at this rate. Mark my words.

Baby has been very very quiet all day so that hasn't helped my mood either. I made the mistake of looking into a stillbirth section on a forum just to see if there was any giveaway sign that baby was ok or not and right at the top of the section was a post from someone who had lost their baby at 41 weeks pregnant. The joys. I've been fighting the urge to tell James about it all day because I want to share how I've kept myself occupied but ultimately it'd just be cruel. I wish I hadn't read it so why would I expose him to it.

She's only just perked up now that I'm balancing my iPad on her. She just can't resist. I've tried buzzing her with a neck massager, cold drinks, sugar, James talking to her,  a bath, etc. All her usual wiggle moments and I just got a limp squirm at best so if the iPad hadn't have worked I would have been off to the hospital, seriously.

I've done my birth plan, so it's all printed off a few times and stapled and put into wallets. I even went to the trouble of putting some baby themed glitter stickers all over the wallets to try and lighten the harsh tone of my expectations. I think I tend to imply severe consequences of failing without even trying to. "I would like access to a birth pool (OR ELSE...)". "Delay cord clamping for 5 minutes (OR ELSE...)". Etc.

Umm, what else have I done today? Watched some box sets, eaten ice cream... Oh I had a sweep off James! A proper one, not a willy one.

He declared that it was much better today and he could definitely get his finger in and wiggle it around easily and he could even feel her... Head! That freaked him out. He said it was really hard and much narrower than he expected which resulted in some googling but what can we do anyway. He was so proud of himself that he even made it sound like he wasn't so confident of he previous efforts anymore. 

I knew he wouldn't be doing it right!

I actually wonder if I had some proper cramps afterwards. Before my aches were pretty constant but then today I've been ache free all day, except for twice where I got a sharp stab in my right kidney a couple of times. Completely pain free again now. Fingers crossed it picks up again.

We're starting to realise that it not just wanting baby out that is consuming us, but avoiding the induction too. We only have two days to go into labour or it'll be medical induction first thing Monday morning.

My Last Aqua Fit and Some Symptoms? - 40+5

Apparently I'm mental for still attending aquafit at 40+5 but I still think it's the highlight of my week, even if it doesn't seem to make a damnedest bit of difference.

This morning I was actually tempted to stay in bed as I've been so very sleepy recently but I had some symptoms that I thought were pretty good.

When I woke, I noticed that my bladder region ached a bit like I had a UTI but it could also be a possible period crampy type ache. It felt tight and heavy. It could also have been gut cramps as I've been very windy so I went to the loo to check things out but all I got was a bit of poop and a bit of mucus. The mucus was less green snot today and more egg white cervical mucus.

As I stood up though, the bladder ache was still there and I also realised that my lower back was aching too. Not waves of cramps though, just a dull persistent awareness.

So, these symptoms kind of spurred me on to attend my Aqua Fit just in case baby just needed some vigorous downward gravitational tugging.

Everyone commented on how pregnant I was. Some stated that I looked very big, some that I looked very low and some just expressing their sympathy at how I still hadn't had my baby.

By the time the class was over, I felt more exhausted than usual and my lower aches had all but gone.

I've felt very drained all day but i feel that the general heaviness down below has returned, but not as distinguished. My lower back is now actually very sore but again it's not in waves.

I do feel more injured than menstrual now. I'm wondering if bouncing on my ball with my legs spread unnaturally wide has done me a mischief rather than any of it being a symptom of labour. Just my luck.

Actually it does feel a little bit like ovary twinges on both sides but maybe it's my over stretched pelvis groaning.

Baby has still been active all day so if anything is going on she isn't for sharing.

The only other thing of note is that I've been peeing more than I have recently.

Today Has Been Shit Too - 22/01/14

Oh bog off.

I'm not even trying to be happy anymore, this is bullshit.

I was chatting to yoga friend yesterday and asking her about her discharge, as you do. Yes, I'm actually this delightful in real life too.

So she was saying that there is nothing much going on in the discharge department, in fact nothing going on at all, and she might get around to some time bouncing on her ball.

Imagine my reaction to a text I got this morning informing me that she was at hospital and was 3-4cm dilated and baby was on her way. She gave birth by lunchtime.

Something that I consider one of my biggest flaws is that I don't cry when really I should. I do cry but mostly when I've exhausted all other expressions of emotion. When I'm angry I'll scream and shout until I eventually cry. When I'm having the time of my life I'll laugh and cheer until I enventually cry. 

When I'm actually sad and devastated and totally crushed and crying is the only really appropriate response, I can't cry. That is what I should have been doing this morning, having a good old selfish bawl but instead I sat there in a daze until I reach the point where I couldn't feel any emotion at all and that is where I remain. Devoid of emotion.

I softened slightly when she sent me a photo of her baby, she's such a cute baby and I'm really happy for yoga friend, but for me it's caused me a great deal of pain.

Rationalise how you want to but that is how I feel. I feel deeply hurt that she was due after me, not bothered at all about how or when it happened, and yet here I am with a much longed for child sitting in my belly when she could be a healthy 5 week old by now!

Yes, she could happily be a 5 week old child ffs but instead she's still a vulnerable foetus. As close as physically possible but out of my reach if she needs me, if she needs help. It just doesn't make any sense.

I've had lots more mucus today but I just feel rediculous for even noticing. It's just a big joke. It doesn't mean a bloody thing!

And to top it off I've had more "Any news?" communications. Oh they all empathise with me being late, but not enough to fuck off when I need them to.

Then I've got my brother who is on standby for when I go into labour so he can look after the dogs and I've been so touched by his enthusiasm. Well tonight I joke he might not get to spend his girlfriend's day off with her if I go into labour and then I shoot down his suggestion of bringing her with him and he is seriously disappointed. I can tell in his voice. Why the fuck would I want his girlfriend (who has been a bit of a dick recently) being present for my baby's homecoming while I'm making a point of keeping my nearest and dearest at arms length?!

Anyway, so it's been a shit day... Besides the mucus *sigh*

Oh actually, I've felt a bit hot flushy today too and now as I lie here I'm wondering I've got low down cramps on my back.

I've been curious to know if labour is like a period but a baby comes out too because I'm wondering if I've been feeling a little pre-menstrual.

Ah well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better! God bloody aqua fit tomorrow, I was expecting last weeks to be my last...

Hard Poo, Mucus and Anxious James - 21/01/14

I was definitely set on being in a better mood today. It was absolutely going to be warm and fuzzy day.

That is until I realised that James is in a horrendously foul mood.

It turns out that he has had enough of waiting and is going to sulk and fume until she is here. Men! *cough*

The thing is that it is a very irritating family trait for the men in his family to make a bad situation a million times worse by developing an irrational impatience anxiety which they then start burdening everyone around them with. Then by the time things finally start to happen, everyone is emotionally exhausted and feeling very negative about what is to come because they have been exposed to someone thoroughly exploring every which way that things could go horribly wrong for several days.

It's nonsense! I get happy and he gets manic depressive and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste my last days trying to turn his frown upside down.

The solution?

I threaten him with me becoming as pissy as he is being and peace is restored.

Well, he's still moping a little but I'm not hearing all about it.

Since yesterday I've been having a few bum stabs which I initially hoped would be the start of something. I recognised them as feeling very similar to constipation pains but I'd been loose for a couple of days so surely not that.

As it happens, it was though and I spent a little time bearing down to excavate my bowels and coal like stools weren't my only reward!

I wiped to find my biggest chuck of green snotty mucus yet! It was about 1cm by 3cm and I ran downstairs to show James who I think I heard fighting back his gag reflex as I poked it to show just how dense and wobbly it was. Even then, he started chanting "come on baby" like some football yob so he was at least a little grateful for the news.

Rather cringingly he announced that he'd seen something that looked very similar stuck to the side of the toilet earlier. If it was revenge he was seeking, mission successful, because that's really gross and I have no idea how it got there and as I type I'm wondering if he cleaned it up because I bet he didn't!

Urgh, he didn't! Men!!! Although he says it was inside the toilet bowl which is some relief. I need to go and have a look.

Oh, he says that he thought I'd want to see it. Very thoughtful. He might want to tell me about it though...

It was a chunk about 5mm by 5mm so still worth seeing I guess.

Definitely My Last Antenatal Midwife Appointment - 20/01/14

Pfft. My second official sweep done and dusted, another exercise in futility.

I know I said I'd be in a better mood from now on but I actually feel worse than ever today. I didn't sleep well but had managed to finally drop off right in time to tear myself out of bed for my appointment at 9:30am so I felt bloody awful dragging my arse out of bed.

I managed to make my way to the clinic on autopilot and there was no smiles for anyone caught gawking at my gut. They got a "what the hell are you looking at" glare and I didn't even feel bad, that's very very unlike me.

The midwife wasn't my usual one again and she was on her own today which resulted in her being more friendly and chatty, not that I was in the mood for it.

Pee fine, blood pressure fine, heart beat fine.

Fundal measurement unchanged for the third week in a row but me confirming that the baby was still active seemed to satisfy her. The lines on the graph in my folder seem to plateaux after 40 week too so it's not as if she's dropped in percentile either.

I was a bit disappointed with her comments during my sweep. Still 3/5 engaged, fully effaced and my dilation had only gone from 1cm to 1-2cm which seems like no progress at all to me after all my bouncing and even my DIY sweeps.

She also seemed to think the presentation of my cervix was less favourable, a bit further back, and she admitted to not having long enough fingers to really get inside though which is annoying.

Strangely, the good news is that I at least felt the sweep a bit today. Just a bit of pulling but it was better than nothing. 

I did appreciate her take on me feeling I'd probably end up being induced as she is the first person who didn't seem horrified on my behalf. She had one herself (yonks ago) and she said she didn't have an epidural or anything and the pain is just pain at the end of the day and you get through it as long as you keep calm. She said they'd probably just need to insert a hormone tampon and the rest would be how I'd have progressed naturally. It was nice to hear it anyway.

As I left she told me to "Go away and have a baby" but the good humour behind it was lost on me and my foul mood.

Checking through my notes she wrote something that I need to google because it sounds rubbish... Here it is: "Ex effaced (aka fully effaced). Not well applied" 

Oh and another thing: "Head above spines"

I'll google now.

Ok, so the not applied bit means that there is no pressure on the cervix and the above spines bit is pretty much the same thing, that the head isn't past the base of my pelvis.

Urgh. 

I got home and got right back in bed and slept until 2pm and now I just feel sleepy and unsatisfied. Nothing I eat hits the spot and I know I'm thirsty but I just can't drink much.

I've had really smelly wet poops too that are quite crampy and my bum is a bit twingey but nothing consistent.

Early night for me I think.

We Missed The Boat, Happy Birthday To Me! - 19/01/14

No, she's not on her way. She doesn't give a crap that it was mummy's birthday today. She's a horrible and selfish child! Just like her dad :P

Actually her dad has been really nice today. We'd kind of cancelled both of our birthday's this year expecting to be very distracted with our darling little brat but we'd literally planned nothing for mine. James managed to do a good job of keeping me well fed and relaxed which is all any globe shaped person can hope for really.

As for my stress levels, I'm kind of getting over my funk about it all now. I had a date in mind that I really really really REALLY wanted her here by and it's tomorrow so not going to happen. So that's that.

It just seems like we had to go through hell and high water to get pregnant in the first place and I always hoped for a summer baby and definitely not a January baby and even scheduled my cycles that way until I was so convinced it was never ever going to happen that the timing didn't matter anymore and then what do you know? We're pregnant with a January baby!

But wait! She is due mid-Jan right between both mine and James birthday so perhaps this will turn out to be amazing anyway if we can all share a weekend of joint birthday fun every few years!!!

Oh wait, that right. Things don't work out like that for us... She's just going to get dumped with some random shitty January birthday afterall. Yay.

Plus she won't be a Capricorn, she'll be an Aquarius. Not that I'm the sort to give a crap about horoscopes but the general description always seemed to suit both myself and James very well and everyone worries about if they'll be close enough to their children so all being the same horoscope seemed like the closest I was going to get to an assurance that I'll be able to handle her.

As an Aquarius apparently she'll be swapping logical and practical ambition for whimsical and visionary ambition. Instead of stamping her feet if she doesn't get her own way, she'll turn into a drama queen... Give me strength.

Anyway. I'm much more relaxed again now. I didn't even grease up my boobs and belly today!

My only aim now is to avoid my 40+12 induction.

40 Weeks Pregnant

What a load of utter bollocks this due date thing is turning out to be. I can't believe that I'm 40 weeks pregnant and still no bloody anything. It's not just that there isn't any baby, there isn't any suggestion that baby will come any time soon either!

Sure I've got some more bullshit symptoms like I had loose bowels today after not going at all for a few days, my labia are really sore and my back is killing but let's get real. I've had two curries so the shits is no surprise, I've been bouncing on a giant rubber ball constantly so big surprise my bits are bruised and I tried sleeping sitting up so a cricked back is no shocker.

The only possible real symptom is that my mood became really dark to the point I could physically feel my face getting hotter but I had just learnt that one of the girls due at the same time has developed high blood pressure so gets to be induced by Monday.

Woah, when I heard that I really was livid. I know it's crazy because it's a serious thing but all I could think was that she was a fucking cheating bitch. However, I felt less pissed when I discovered that she's strapped up to a monitor at the hospital until they can induce her.

Today has been a pretty rubbish day all in all though.

It's my birthday tomorrow so I'm getting older and James has been whinging that he's feeling ill so that is setting me up for a good day. Plus, and I know it's my own fault, but I said I didn't want any presents and I actually think I'm not getting one. I thought I'd have a baby by now so my birthday would be way in the background. I suggested going out somewhere instead but now it's like it's my job to decide where to go and what to do. James might have thought of somewhere by now, but I resent having to have the conversation where I explain to him that I don't want to have to make any decisions on my birthday.

Then loads of people have been in touch asking if I've had any twinges. I was really niave on that one because I honestly thought that people wouldn't be that bloody obvious. I will never ever tell anyone my due date ever again! 

Sure, it's different if they're just chatting or have been keeping in touch as the date approaches, making sure that I'm ok and offering to help keep me sane but it's not like that at all. They literally just contacted me today out of the blue, some for the first time in several months, and they are either coincidently checking on how I'm doing and others just come right out and ask "Any twinges yet?".

It's amazingly annoying and what is worse is that while some at least have the decency to fess up to them being rubbish for not contacting me more recently, others try to bullshit me with excuses as if I'm supposed to believe they haven't had one afternoon free for a promised meet up for the past 180+ days. Not a 30 minute email, not a 10 minute text. No time at all to spare...

... Except that you post your life on facebook, genius! I can see exactly what you've been upto.

I did get the nursery painted, but then I tried to do the back porch too and after an hour of painting stood back and realised that it's the most disgusting colour ever.

Sooooooo a very stressful and shitty day, as expected I suppose.

General pregnancy symptom-wise, I woke up to a bloody nose this morning. I hadn't even had time to pick it or blow it so I hadn't done anything to cause it, but I felt a bit of wetness so dabbed it on my top (very classy bird) and it was bright red. James fetched some tissue and when I did blow it, it was a massive bright red jelly clot.

I joked to a friend tongue in cheek that it was my bloody show but I know she reads this and I would be too embarrassed to use the exact same gag twice.

Baby is fine. Having a jolly good old time in my belly. I actually thought I felt toes earlier!

Oh, but there is a disgusting clicking coming from my belly every now and again, more and more frequently. I've googled and apparently it's a common(ish) thing but no one actually knows what the cause is. Some midwives and doctors don't even believe women when they mention it so I recorded it happening earlier but even then it sounds like I've just caught a nail on my iPad. That's what it sounds like. Click.

I'll try to upload the video, but I might have forgot my vimeo password.

My skin is still dry, but now baby has delayed so long that the inevitable has happened. I've now got two big red spots on my face. Photos from the left only on the day!

In addition my wax is also starting to turn into angry red ingrown hairs *sigh*

Hair is rubbish. It feels really dry without enough grease to it, so when I do wash it (which is still about weekly or longer) I go super heavy with the conditioner and this time it went really fly away and frizzy lie, it had gone too soft.

Boobs are fine and pain free, no issues there.

Everything is fine really except my slightly hot temper.

Oh! Weight... I was really hoping to not see the next stone appear on the scales during my pregnancy but I have put on 2lbs this week and I'm now only 0.6 lb away from it. Chances aren't good and I swear it will be a very dark day indeed when I get there. I told James and his response was "wow, that's not far off me!" Yeah right! Maybe back in 2009.

DIY Sweeps - 17/01/14

Yes, I'm still pregnant.

Yes, there is still no progress.

Yes, I'm getting desparate.

I've been brooding about my sweep not doing a bloody thing and my hospital due date having been and gone and my induction supposed to have been yesterday and James not getting to share his birthday with his baby and STILL no indication that labour might kick off anytime soon...

Oh and bloody Zara Philips having her little girl right on que. Cow. I'm just waiting to hear what the baby name is now.

So, I've progressed onto DIY sweeps.

Before you start on me, it's not rocket science. Sterile conditions are a case of common sense, a willy being up there is much less hygenic and the only risk to baby is if you do it when baby's head isn't engaged. Worst case scenario when all boxes are ticked is that you rupture your waters and have a baby more suddenly than anticipated but the membranes are tough and don't just break like that.

When I tried in the bath yesterday, I could feel my cervix but it felt weird like a pair of puckered lips with an undeniable crater in the middle. When people talk about an open or closed cervix in ttc I've never quite felt any difference but this time the hole feels huge. I couldn't reach properly inside my cervix though so proceeding was a bit pointless. I just gave it a bashing from the side as best as I could but without it ultimately having any impact at all.

At a loss, I somehow managed to recruit James into the role of midwife for today which really surprised me because he's normally way too sensible and wussy to try anything like that.

He did pull a face and complain but it seemed more like he was just going through the motions because the next thing I knew I was trimming his nails and he was sterilising his hands and we were up in the bedroom, me with my legs spread and him looking very serious and focused. He would have made a very sexy doctor.

I explained to him what he should feel and what he should do, but my big insistence was that there was no rush and he could take his time to ask questions and act deliberately. The last thing I wanted was for him to panic and do something stupid.

He was brilliant though. He said he'd found the cervix, he said he'd got his finger inside and he said that he was stretching it. 

The problem was that I couldn't feel a thing. Not a thing.

I asked him again and again if he was sure and he said that he was although he was starting to doubt himself because he too couldn't comprehend how I wasn't feeling what he was doing.

He assured me that he was doing a thorough job of it so I asked him to do it extra vigorously before finishing at which point I was aware of an acceleration in his movement but still didn't feel a thing.

Ultimately I just had to trust that he wasn't bullshitting me or being an idiot about it, which of course I do. Honestly! Definitely 99.9% sure...

...I just wish I could have done it myself to be 100% convinced.

Why I don't feel anything is a mystery. No one on the internet claims that they didn't feel a thing and although there is a suggestion that if you're favourable that you feel it much less, if I'm so favourable that I feel nothing then why isn't the baby coming out yet?

I spent the rest of the day attached to my ball while waiting for the sweep to kick in. I don't think I've been as dedicated to it more than I was today because I haven't even sat on the couch, certainly not lay on the couch. My back has been vertical all day long - and it's killing! I'm not even lying down to sleep, I'm propping myself up! Now that is desperation. 

As for whether or not the sweep worked, it would seem not as dramatically as I'd hoped. Bump has been fairly hard throughout the day and I even thought possibly a few BH occurred consecutively every 10-15 mins but there was no massive show or blood. Maybe some low cramping initially but nothing since.

I guess we'll just have to see what tomorrow brings.

I was thinking another sweep on the 19th but I might actually just have another tomorrow too. Why not? I felt nothing during and feel fine since.

If she's not here by the 20th, then she can come whenever she bloody well wants to so I might as well go all out until then.

Maybe Some Progress - 15/01/14

How many consecutive days of entries is that now? One might assume that one has acquired a slight obsession.

Last night was a bit intense. I found myself sleeping on my back throughout the night because my stomach really hurt every time I rolled on to my side. It was like I'd pulled every single muscle in my abdomen and the weight of baby was too much to bear.

It did occur to me that perhaps it was some form of braxton hicks but it wasn't in waves or anything, it was perpetual so I thought that maybe I had literally pulled all the muscles in my abdomen when I was doing my lunges up three stairs at a time.

However, come the morning the discomfort was gone so I'm not sure that tallies with actual injury.

I spent the day playing with the little one as she has been very active as per usual. I pretend to tickle her feet and she tries to kick me in the head with all her might... maybe that is why they start off so small. If they came out larger they'd probably unwittingly kill their parents due to lack of perspective and the species would abruptly end.

We did some shopping in IKEA during which my back was killing but my bump felt fine. Hard, but it's always hard with madam mooning me all the time.

I ate a Nandos no problem and went home where I bounced and I bounced and I bounced.

I've been focusing on raising a hormone called oxytocin (also referred to as the cuddle hormone) which is apparently responsible for labour and contractions. It is produced in response to feelings of bonding, affection, pleasurable stimulation, etc so James has been making a laboured effort to be tactile towards me with a nice hug here and kissing my neck there. 

I tried something new which was covering my boobs in vegetable oil and groping myself with puppet hands squeezing and suckling on my aureoles and nipples. I've been a but worried that one of my boobs has dried up but by the end of the 30 mins they were both really quite juicy, relatively speaking. They each gave up a few teeny tiny drops on more than one squeeze. This may help milk supply but it also aims to release oxytocin.

Then I had a clary sage bath and went to the trouble of lighting loads of tea candles and switching out the lights for a sensual atmosphere. As it happens though, you can have too many tea candles. Combined, they must have been giving off more light than a 100W bulb! After spending ages lighting them all, I quickly blew them all out again but for one.

Out of the bath and I thought I'd better get some perineum massage in with my Epi-no so I got my alcohol wipes out and sterilised my down below and as I lifted the wipe away I had to stop myself from squeeing out loud! A chunk of mucus! An actual sizable chuck of mucus!!!

I informed James and I could tell he was as thrilled as me in spite of the repulsed expression and "Ewww!".

I've taken a pic which James assures me that no one wants to see, so I'll just describe it instead because it is fairly generic. It's a cream coloured bogey with a tinge of green that is about 15mm by 10mm and has the consistancy of your standard snotty discharge. It wasn't as rubbery as yesterday's offering but it was slightly more dense than your average blob of muscus.

I suppose it was a bit of a storm in a tea cup because after it was fully acknowledged, that was it. It didn't really mean anything on its own.

I massaged clary sage all over my bump just in case there were contractions looming but nothing has come of it yet.

I did more lunges and now I'm lying in bed anticipating another James' special sweep.

It's his birthday tomorrow and he seems to think its be cool to share a birthday with the baby so he has been starting to show his own growing irritation at a lack of real progress.

Sweep Update - 14/01/14

Oh see! 14/01/14 would have been a cool birthday but noooooooooo.

I have been rather grumpy today as expected, all sulky and brooding.

No cramps or anything like that but at one point I did wonder if I'd found a chunk of muscus plug.

I'd been for a wee and wiped and noticed discharge like egg white which was a little odd and then I noticed on my knickers (well, actually I've taken to wearing James boxers) a green bogey. The colour might have been due to evening primrose but it was like a 5mm cube and it was very rubbery and sticky.

Also, when I got out of the bath I dried myself and suddenly noticed a warm trickle down the inside of my leg but I'm 99% certain it was just trapped bath water but it did have me going for a second.

All in all though it's been another rather disappointing day.

To top it off I also got an appointment for my second sweep but with the same fail sweep midwife and one of the girls from my NCT group sent an email to announce her new arrival on the 8th at 39 weeks! *sigh*

I guess it ended on a high thanks to James. He suggested sex and I wasn't going to bother because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself but we did it anyway and it felt very good. Not sexy good, pfft it's been years since we had sexy sex thanks to ttc, but it felt effective good. It was almost uncomfortable because he seemed to be hitting me really deep from behind (sorry tmi) but I couldn't help thinking about the bashing and semen and O maybe helping baby out.

If we can do it like that once a day, it'd be like a daily sweep I'm sure!

Why Am I Not In Labour Yet?! - 14/01/14

This is bullshit.

Where is my plug? My contractions? My waters?

I've been a bit like a child trying to sleep through Christmas Eve all night, keeping one eye open hoping to catch a glimpse of the magic. Turns out a sweep is as real as the fat man in a red suit.

I admit that I was a little suspicious at how little the sweep hurt once I got home and googled. I didn't find anyone who referred to it as completely painless, it was hardly uncomfortable at its best but I wouldn't even call mine that. That cow must have given me a placebo sweep!

There was one point where I thought I had a bit of a contraction but I even doubt that now. I was watching TV and it felt a bit like I'd involuntarily tensed my bladder region, which could be down to baby moving normally but this time the sensation held for at least 15 seconds. It wasn't the sensation but the duration that got my attention but then I noticed I had the blanket tucked between my thighs so pulled it out in case it was causing it and then I couldn't feel it anymore.

During the night baby has felt very heavy against my public bone as I stood to go to the toilet but she does that occasionally anyway.

I really hoped it might just trigger some active progression and now I feel pretty pissed off. A sweep, sex, excessive bouncing on my ball, two massages with clary sage, a bath in clary sage, raspbery leaf tea, lunges up three stairs at a time and 2000mg of evening primrose rose up my vag before bed and all I've got to show for it is greasy arse cheeks.

How anticlimactic.

I don't know what it is but I keep waking up with a nauseous urge to eat in the middle of the night like I did in the first trimester. That is pissing me off too.

I'm going to be grumpy as hell today.

First Sweep Done - 13/01/14

Well I'm back from my first sweep!

I had to go and see a new midwife at a different clinic because mine is on holiday so that was a bit of a faff not knowing her name or where to go but I soon figured it out.

She was much older than I expected, I'd guess late 50's, and her blonde/white short hair didn't do her any favours as even though it looked nice it's practically the modern blue rinse perm. She was quite plump too like many grannies are.

She was quite brisk and efficient too, unlike my usual chatterbox midwife. She had a nurse with her who did all the pee dipping, observations and note taking.

My pee was fine and my BP was fine.

The midwife was reading my notes and questioning my dates and my requirement for a sweep so early. I could feel my blood boiling slightly as she started splitting hairs about the consultant putting "term" in my notes when I was only 39+5 at most. I had to explain that I was supposed to have an induction at term and therefore my sweeps were booked for the week before and the consultant assured me that I'd be able to have one at today's appointment.

Eventually the midwife conceded but expressed her frustration by exclaiming that it's not going to work this early on because I won't be favourable, just to make me feel crap.

Why the fuck to they do that? Suddenly get all psychic just to foretell doom. They go on about how individual and different each and every pregnancy experience is whenever you want to know something specific, but you try to take control and obviously you're just wasting everyone's fucking time because of course they already know exactly how little you've progressed without even looking.

Before the sweep she measured my fundal height which was 38cm, the same as last time. She suggested she measured it differently to my usual midwife but my usual midwife had done them all and not just the last one. The last one saw me above the 90th percentile but this one (and all the previous ones) had me at 75th percentile so I reckon the last one was a blip.

She asked if baby was still moving and I told her that she was moving fine. She's still very active, the only difference being that it's more sliding movements and cervix stabs than tummy poking.

Then she felt for the baby's engagement (3/5) and position (cephalic L.O.L.) and seemed a bit confused. She took it for granted that the baby was head down but couldn't place the rest of her. She asked me and I told her what I thought, that her bum was high in the middle with her being frog legged either side and her spine going down the left/middle. She wasn't convinced though, I could tell, and she even asked if anyone had mentioned her being back to back which they haven't.

I have wondered if she is back to back sometimes, just because her legs protrude forward so much, but they felt the same during my last scan and she wasn't back to back. It does seem physically possible to me that she just has her legs spread to the extreme.

Anyway she checked the heartbeat down my left side (146 bpm) and then asked me to remove my lower garments for the sweep.

She asked me if I'd had an internal before which I said that I had but not during late pregnancy. There wasn't much point it elaborating that I've probably had more internal examinations than she has delivered babies.

I lay on the bed with a piece of tissue covering my muff and spread my legs while the midwife put some gloves on and maybe some gel but I didn't see.

Then she inserted her fingers and I braced myself for what I expected to be a rather uncomfortable experience. She very briefly felt around before spending literally 2 seconds... erm... fingering me and then withdrew her hand looking very pleased with herself.

She told me that she had been able to give me a very good sweep but I honestly didn't feel a thing.

Furthermore, my cervix was in the ideal position (anterior) and was fully effaced (thin) and she could easily get her finger in so I was 1cm+ dilated. I was much more favourable than she'd expected.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! 

Not that I'm one to gloat or anything...

I got dressed and left soon afterwards and hurried to the loo expecting to see a big lump of snot or some bloody discharge but not a hint of either.

Walking back to the car I felt that perhaps I had some low cramping but it was very light, certainly nowhere near as bad as period cramps. It was more like a heaviness.

I grabbed some food, bought some pure clary sage and raced home, commanding James to have a wash while I bounced on my ball and then to meet me in the bedroom. He huffed and sighed as if I'd just asked him to spring clean or something but he was a trooper and managed to complete his chore for the day. 

Men. They want it until you tell them to help themselves and then they'd rather watch TV, or in James case sleep.

Now I'm lying in bed, yes at 3pm, already starting to lose faith that I'm going to go into labour anytime soon.

I tried to book in for another sweep for next Monday with my usual midwife who should be off holiday by then but she's fully booked. The receptionist told me that it'd have to be the week after but I told her that I'll unlikely still be pregnant by then so now I need to phone them tomorrow morning *sigh*.

I'm just going to let the semen do it's thing for a little longer and then it's a pure clary sage bath followed by bouncing on my ball followed by food followed by bouncing and maybe I could get James to perform again today but I doubt it so it'll just be EPO pessaries for me.

First Sweep Tomorrow! - 12/01/14

Gosh it took some thought to get the right date in the title then!

Ooooooooooooo I'm super excited about tomorrow, I'm getting a sweep!

Or should I say I better bloody be getting a sweep.

There are a couple of risks involved. Firstly, that she can't reach my cervix because I'm super unfavourable at which point I'll cry, a lot. Secondly, that she won't accept my consultants consent because she wrote down to allow sweeps at term (40 weeks) and term+7 (41 weeks) and tomorrow I'm technically only 39+5 according to the hospital at which point I'll have a major tantrum. I did double check with the consultant it'll be fine and she said yes.

Surprisingly not everyone seems to know what a sweep is, well yoga friend didn't know anyway, so I'll attempt to explain what it is and why people have them.

Basically it is performed by a midwife and what they do is ram their hand as far up your vagina as possible in an attempt to locate your cervix to allow them to stick a finger inside it. Once the finger is in the cervix, they hook their finger around the edge and pull it to try and stretch it and separate it from the amniotic sac. The stretching opens up the cervix more and also releases labour starting hormones. Separating the waters increases the likelihood of them bursting which would also commence labour.

In some cases, the cervix is too high up to reach properly and they might either just poke around the outside of the cervix to try and release some hormones or give up completely.

They tend to do this once someone is overdue or when they have been admitted with what appears to be the start of slow labour. They might do it for anyone already in labour, I don't know.

You can attempt it yourself if you are dexterous enough but the risks are infection and that you might directly break the waters which is definitely not the intention as you might not be favourable but once the waters are gone you only have 24 hours to get the baby out before major interventions occur.

After a sweep it is normal to experience cramps, loss of mucus and bleeding.

Anyway, that's what I'm having. I'm at least hoping that I get some proper contraction type cramps out of it but going into labour would be very welcomed also.

I'll be trying to get another one booked for this Friday but I don't think they'll let me before next Monday.

39 Weeks Pregnant

That's it. I've officially had enough of pregnancy. I'm done. I want it over. It's not fair that I haven't gone already!

The absolute worst part of pregnancy by this stage is that all the other pregnant people that you've been chatting to are prone to having their babies before you. It's getting to the point where ladies who are due at the beginning of February are one minute claiming possible contractions (pfft, yeah keep keep dreaming) and then announcing their new arrivals (cow!).

It's not just one lady either, it's 90% of them, and that includes first timers! And you don't find comfort in the other ladies who are dying of impatience too, you want to beat them. Even the late ones, them complaining just puts a huge target on their backs. You want to pop before them and evil cackle all the way to the labour ward.

Ideally anyway. Instead I'm still here, not the slightest hint of impending labour :(

No twinges. No plug. No leaking. No nothing.

Well, I have a bit of pressure but everyone says that and I had some cervix bashing pains yesterday that some claim is effacement but others shoot down as being without consequence.

I'm just sulking with the occasional lip tremor and tear everytime I see a baby on TV.

I command you baby! Get. Out!

Please.

In other news... No that's it. There is no other news! I'm a women obsessed.

Actually, my weight has stayed the same this week so since 31 weeks I've only put on 5lbs which seems to be significantly lower than anticipated based on my earlier weight gain. I'll have to do an entry just about my weight and figure it out.

My skin is a bit dry on my face and my hair is still devoid of natural moisture.

My bowels have mostly been liquid but without any typically associated cramps. I don't feel like I must go now or mess myself but any effort in that regard and it pours out of me.

Still no stretchmarks but that does not mean I am without marks. I'm really blue veiny on my boobs and bump but I expect them to go as my skins thickens up again when no longer stretched. Unfortunately the top of my thighs are concerning me though as I seemed to have some red thread veins? They might be popped capillaries, I don't know. They are pretty ugly and something I associate with old ladies and I'm not sure that they will go by themselves. I'll take some pics to gross you all out.

Let's see, let's see... Is that all?

My back is ok, no aches and pains. Lots of energy. No complaints except that there has still been no nesting urgency and I really could use a bit of my inner domestic goddess coming out. The house is a dump.

Urgh. I'm hoping this is my last pregnancy week progression entry for my blog. I've even started going off the hospital due date to make myself a couple of days further along which is probably the opposite of what I should be doing.

Aqua Fitness with Yoga Friend - 38+5

Oh how I've missed my aqua classes over Christmas.

I must seem like a bit of a gym bunny but really I'm not. I'm idle, I'm flabby and any attempt at any real cardio and I literally pass out on the floor. I'm thinking of installing a stair lift or moving into a bungalo because I shudder at the concept of climbing stairs, I'm that unfit.

The aqua and yoga classes during pregnancy have mainly been an attempt at meeting people, but I can honestly say that they have been an essential part of my pregnancy welfare and I urge anyone and everyone who is pregnant to seek out a decent aqua class as the very least.

Going to the class today was just bliss and the fact that I could attend with a friend I met at yoga who is due one day after me is just the icing on the cake.

The instructor mocked concern when she realised that we had turned up as heavily pregnant as we are. She said she'd informed the lifeguard and that if our waters went in the pool that they'd have to shut it down for a week to clean it again.

I found that concept very appealing indeed, and let's face it, the notion that excercise might induce labour hadn't escaped my attention.

We got started with what is pretty much an aerobics class in water for the old ladies and I was in my element. 

I've read lots of references made about water supporting your body weight during pregnancy and therefore feeling good, but I don't think it's that. Simply being in the water doesn't create such a soothing sensation that I'd be content just floating around or doing lengths. I think it's the freedom of movement that is so blissful. Jog with my knees up to my chest? Not a problem. You want me to kick my legs out like Dick Van Dyke on the rooftops in Mary Poppins? Easy peasy.

And! I get to be better than others. The fact that they are three times my age (well, not quite but close enough) doesn't make the slightest bit of difference to my sense of achievement.

All the time, I'm thinking pelvis engaging thoughts too. Those constant downward impacts and hips twists have got to be doing something good.

Yoga friend seems to enjoy it just as much too. It was really good to see her, even though she does seem to have grown much more than me in the bump department. She always seems a little bigger but today she seemed HUGE. I blurted it out before even thinking of how annoying I find it when people do it to me, but nevermind. She should start a blog to slag me off.

I actually think that if we still haven't popped next week that we'll be going again!

As we left the instructor was telling us how good we are doing for still going to the classes because most people give up long before, but I don't see why. I know it's going to be the most enjoyable day out of the whole week.

Afterwards we went out for lunch and grabbed a soup and a scone on me and it was great chatting about babies. The waitress at the cafe made a point of talking to us as she had a baby on the 19th Jan this time last year and it was strange just how open she was about everything. She even came back later asking us about maternity packages and things. I was nice.

Bearing in kind that this might be the last time I see yoga friend before one or both of us have given birth, I gave her some sports energy beans for energy levels during labour and I also gave her a silk umbilical cord tie that I'd made and sterilised. I've got one for myself too and I realise that she might not use it but I read that the plastic peg clips that they use are bulky and can catch and leave imprints and things. It's just some thick thread plaited together and tied at the ends.

Once I got home I spent some time on my ball and had a clary sage bath and had sex and popped a couple of EPO pessaries in and I have to say that I have felt quite a few braxton hicks. I do get them after I've exerted myself at all, but I've had more than usual and they felt really quite strong.

I also had liquid diarrhea, so much that it was way over the water line in the toilet when I'd finished. I know TMI but it seemed pretty promising at the time.

It was a bit scary because for all the BHs, baby has been very sulky and still. It was only when I set James on her that she started wiggling which James takes great pride in while I assume means she's telling him to piss off.

Now I'm in bed though and I feel perfectly normal again. This induction stuff is hard work. A smidge of plug or some waves of cramps would have have been nice.

Consultant Appointment - 07/01/14

Another last, no more appointments after today!

And, well, it didn't go anywhere close to how I expected it to.

At the last appointment I had, I expressed concerns at going over 40 weeks as baby would be fully cooked but if something went wrong it'd likely go unnoticed until it was too late. The immediate response was that I would be booked in for induction at 40 weeks and that is what today's appointment was supposed to be about, just booking me in for induction. It was all so casual.

I had noticed in my notes afterwards that she did make it sound like it was arranged more at my insistence but I didn't see what difference it made... Until today.

I have had about 5 or 6 consultant appointments during my pregnancy and not once have I seen the same person, but they have all been sympathetic about the IVF and even pandered to me to a point, but I just took what I could.

Well, today I came up against a real ball breaker.

That is, after being unable park in the usual place because of a massive queue and then having to wait for 90 minutes before being seen.

Anyway, we walk into the appointment room and she looks ready for battle as she hold my notes in her hands. "So... Why exactly do you think you neede to be induced at 40 weeks?"

She'd caught me completely off guard because I'd been lead to believe it was a done deal so I simply stated that the last consultant had voluntarily told me that the induction would be arranged because I expressed concerns about leaving the baby inside any longer than necessary.

She corrected me that I'd only seen one consultant before today, implying she was also a consultant, and the other people I'd seen were just senior registrars (whatever the fuck that means). She continued that the consultant had not made any reference to me requiring induction.

Then she went on about IVF not requiring special treatment and the pregnancy being fine and therefore she did not want me to be induced until 40+12 (aka 41+5).

I found myself feeling quite frustrated and arguing the odds with her but not because I disagreed with what she said but because it seemed every single appointment had lead up to this point and right at the last minute, this random person was undoing it all and I was being made to feel that I was having to make important decisions off the cuff that should have been being made by someone else already.

She was so sure of everything not being in my favour for an induction at 40 weeks and I even tried to compromise and come in to be checked for induction and if I wasn't favourable then not to bother, but she just matter of factly told me that I wouldn't be favourable.

She decided to change tact and had me up on the bed for the nurse to do my BP and she did my engagement too as requested. As I hopped on the bed she told me that it was too early for engagement also.

BP was normal and she had to concede that baby was very low in my pelvis and I got a 3/5 score which means baby is in and won't be coming back out again.

My pee was normal too.

Back into my seat and I was really thrown when she started up again by asking when I wanted to book in my induction for. Seriously. WTF?!?!?!

She'd spent all this time telling me how unnecessary it was and then laid the decision back at my feet.

I explained that I didn't want to be induced, I wanted what was best for my baby and I wanted to be told what that was. So she said 40+12 again and then phoned up to book me in for the 27th January at 8am.

I might add that it took about 20 mins for her to be able to get through to the induction booking in people and she kept popping out, I assume to double check everything she had told me like my blood thinners only needing to be stopped within 12 hours and not 24 hours like I was previously told.

We just sat there, deliberately criticizing the system in front of the attending student midwife and the nurse.

She'd wrote a big essay in my notes and checked and double checked that it conformed with what we'd agreed upon. Funnily the fact that at one point she said she'd accept personal responsibility that induction wasn't necessary was excluded.

She was a bit of a bitch about the sweeps too. I told her that the midwife said I could have two within a few days of each other in anticipation of the induction but only if she wrote in my notes to allow it. She wouldn't. She said she'd allow one at 40 and one at 40+7. I reckon I might be able to blag a couple of extras though because the midwife told me that I could make an appointment for a sweep at a postnatal clinic.

It turned out she wasn't a consultant herself either, just another senior registrar like the last one.

As we left, I realised that I felt pretty angry. Not because of what the consultant had said or because I wasn't having an induction but because right from the beginning I'd set out to be treated like any other pregnant women but had been plyed with compassion and sympathy and the perks that entailed up until the point where I'd become dependant upon them and then at the last minute they are pulled away from me on the whim of an individual at the last minute.

It's quite a trauma.

Not being a sufferer, I don't do self pity. I get mad. I fume and I rebel.

I will get this baby out at 40 weeks! I will I will I will. You can't not induce me you bitch. I don't need your stupid induction anyway because me and my little girl are going to figure something out.

As soon as I figure out how to pull her from under my ribs...

A request from James:

James would like me to inform you that as we were trying to leave, he went to the pay machine and it spat his change out into the mud in the dark and swallowed his ticket, the ticket needed to exit. He therefore spent 20 mins (it seemed like 10 to me) talking to the guy on the intercom. It made him very mad and it was the worst hospital visit ever! The end.

8 vs 38 Week Comparison Pic

Big belly!

38 Weeks Pregnant

Not long now! :D

Sorry for it being a day late, it was one hell of a day yesterday.

Think heavily pregnant lady who is full of a cold having a major sobbing fit over the state of the house... Not pretty.

I can't remember the last time I sobbed so uncontrollably. I got started after the carpet cleaner wouldn't work and just got worse and worse until I couldn't stop even when I wanted to. Lucky for me, I have a very asute dog who bided his time until presenting himself for a cuddle and in spite of me screaming for him to fuck off several times, we embraced until I eventually calmed down. 

James reappeared from doing some hastey cleaning and stepped around me while telling the dog he was a very good boy.

We are now content with everything essential being done in case I go into labour, which could happen at any time I guess.

I don't know if that is just my version of nesting but it wasn't how it's described in the books!

I'm not sure what to report on from this week because it's main feature is me being rather unwell. I'm not a sufferer, but having a snotty nose and chesty cough while at the same time having an arse under your rib cage and lugging around an extra 30lbs and having a very sore back - well, it's so exhausting! 

The other things that spring to mind is that I've been having the runs consistently after eating anything remotely spicy. I know it's supposed to help get labour going but a fiery bum hole is not on my list of things to try so I'm now avoiding.

Oh! I've actually been enjoying green veg these last couple of days. Just microwaveable ready mixed peas and green beans, but it's a start! Mmmmmm.

My baby brain is still going strong. I made an idiot of myself just a moment ago... I had an itch on my stomach and when I looked I found a chickenpox blister! I asked on my FB group and had told James I needed to go to the GP first thing tomorrow, but someone asked me to describe it more and I was just considering that it resembled a bit of a freckle that I realised it was actually my freckle! It's more like 3 inches from my belly button now, instead of the usual inch so I got confused *sigh*.

I'm getting a bit concerned about the baby still being high. Shouldn't she "drop" or something? Everyone seems to mention their bump dropping so I'm worrying she's not engaged at all which implies labour isn't imminent.

I'm worrying about the induction too. Even when I specifically ask for support people can't help but tell me their horror story. Please. Piss. Off.

Weight gain this week was a little over a pound so back to 30 lb total gain.

Happy New Year!

It's kind of nice to find myself at the start of a new year with all the promises of just how much of a brilliant year it will be.

This time last year I was in the middle of a doomed 2ww after what I already felt was a very disappointing fifth IVF cycle.

The year before that I was recovering from my second recently failed IVF cycle.

The year before that I was coming to terms with the fact that we'd be unable to conceive on our own.

The year before that I was just married and in a new house with all the promises of just how much of a brilliant year it will be...

Hm. Lets assume that this new year isn't the last hopeful one for a few more years like last time! Well, whatever happens next year at least I'll have my little girl to cuddle through it.

Would you believe that my plans for next year do indeed include more IVF?

I really hate it when you plan for things and people express how crazy you are when sanity simply isn't a luxury that I have the pleasure of.

So far my plans for 2014/2015 are:

January - have baby.

April - see consultant about next cycle.

June - start James on supplements.

July - stop breastfeeding (really sad about this one) and start on supplements.

Sept - have cycle with frozen embryos = June/July 2015 baby (but don't think it will work)

Jan - have IVF#7 = Oct/Nov 2015 baby

April - have IVF#8 = Jan/Feb 2016 baby

July - have IVF#9 = April/May 2016 baby

Oct - have IVF#10 = July/Aug 2016 baby

Pretty intense, huh? If I'm not pregnant again by the end of 2015 then I'll call time on trying for a bigger family, which won't be easy but I'm not going to be contemplating IVF for the next 10 years of fertility that I might have left. Plus I want a sibling for my little girl, not another baby for me.

I haven't really given myself any proper resolutions. Just making the most of the best year I think I'll ever have, even with ttc for a sibling :)

Doula Appointment - 31/12/13

Another last appointment. The next time I see my doula I'll be in labour!

I'm not sure there was a particular reason for the appointment except for her to escape her five kids for the morning because she arrived at 10:30am and didn't leave until 2:30pm and we talked about very little relating to my labour and what will happen etc. Most of it has been touched upon in enough detail before and besides covering how to recognise labour and when to contact her, there wasn't much to say.

Instead we talked about Christmas and dogs and baby clothes and anything else we could think of really. In fact I wish I knew she'd be staying so long so that I could have offered her some lunch but instead I had to sit there starving for not wanting to eat in irony of her with nothing but chocolate to offer her. The cupboards are bare of any real food.

What I did realise from the conversations was that she has never done an induction labour before which I suppose surprised me a little bit. I guess that she'll have to support me in the same way so it's not a problem in that sense but it does kind of suggest that her powers of questioning decisions are a bit more limited.

She is nice though. Before she left we clarified that neither of us would be taking offense by what was said or mannerisms during labour. She reminded me and James that she is under our employ and I reminded her that I like straight talking rather than being babied.

We're to contact her at the earliest signs of twinges so she is aware of the possibility of labour and then to request her to attend as soon as I feel that it's the real thing and I need some support.

She did hint at a home birth again, saying something about how far away we are from the hospital and we'll see how it goes, which I didn't appreciate to be honest. In a perfect world, I'd love a home birth but I just don't want to make a conscious decision to stay at home in case it all goes wrong so I feel that to mention it is playing with my head a little bit. We'll see.