11 Weeks Pregnant

I know reaching 11 weeks isn't a generally acknowledged milestone but for some reason it seems to be marking a lot of emotional baggage finally starting to be packed away nice and neatly for me.

It feels really good to be here, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

I mean, I still don't feel pregnant but I do trust that I am in spite of that fact. I no longer need tangible reassurances nor do I feel the need to justify how I feel about anything.

I don't need to buy stuff, I don't need to plan stuff. I don't feel pressured to feel or act a certain way.

That's not to say I'm not getting anything done... Hmm, maybe it the fact I've got some stuff done that has taken the edge off.

I went swimming which felt amazing, especially with James going on about chlorine and the pregnancy, but I was careful with the leg spreading and I managed 50 lengths very slowly.

I had my electrolysis appointment, again in spite of James whinging, so the beard is gone! It smarted though - ouch! Now I just need monthly appointments for the next several months.

I contacted a caterer for the party I'm planning too.

Oh! And I even think I've found a doula. I contacted her via email and she seems nice and does placenta consumption things, so now I'm just waiting for James to be free and then we'll meet up for a chat.

I suppose all of these things moving forward must all contribute to be feeling content.

Pregnancy wise I did have a total hormonal freak out one day and James was literally lucky to survive after he rose to me. I was in a murderous rage. I googled and apparently moodiness is supposed to subside about now so who knows what that is all about. Luckily it was a one off and I've been chilled since.

My beard is out of control, yes the electrolysis killed the coarse ones, but my previously wispy side fuzz is getting longer and encroaching across my cheeks and I'm sure my arm hair is darkening. I'm starting to feel a bit self-conscious.

I'm pretty bloated today too after a dodgy curry yesterday and after weighing myself I've out on 2.4lbs this week! I'm thinking it'll ease off a bit in the next day or two though.

Still no bump but I am starting to feel less flexible across my waist when I bend forward, a bit like I'm wearing a wide belt.

Roll on week 12!

Early Scan - 10+3

Today's scan was completely different to the previous ones, a lot more relaxed even though I'd turned it into a bit of pivotal scan due to the baby having had achieved a significant developmental milestone upon reaching 10 weeks.

I have been pretty emotional and crying at all sorts on songs on the radio, but as we entered the scan room I felt calm. I wouldn't say optimistic, that would almost be asking for disappointment, but I didn't feel an impending sense of doom.

She started the scan and as per usual I was all eyes looking for the heartbeat but as the familiar silhouette came into focus that wasn't what I saw.

Instead, we got a wave and a wiggle! 

To be honest, I can't remember noticing the heartbeat until much later on into the scan because baby just kept on moving. I couldn't believe how active it was. I was mesmerised watching it, waiting to see it moving again.

When did my little foetus figure out how to wiggle so enthusiastically and wave? I'm so proud!

Now every gas pain is clearly a movement and even though I say that a bit tongue in cheek, I did feel a flutter that made me squee as i immediately associated it with baby moving rather than the more likely cause of me not having been to the toilet properly since Friday.

Anyway, so the scan lasted about 15 mins in total and she actually seemed to spend more time in 3D mode which is good in a way, but the image is frozen and then looked at three dimensionally and I kind of wish we'd watched baby move some more even if in 2D. We didn't really get to see its legs much.

I was actually having a bit of a girl feeling, but after the scans it seems hard not to have a bit of a boy feeling because they look quite masculine in features with their protruding brow and also the inevitable unacknowledged protrusion in between their legs whether it be the umbilical cord or maybe even the nub.

It's heart was fine by the way and it measured 35mm which equates to 10+2, a day behind, but it was a hard measurement to get due to the baby's orientation.

After the scan we waited to see the nurse and even though I requested to begin weaning off my medications, while on intralipids the rule is to maintain all dosages until 12 weeks and only then begin weaning. It might only be a couple of weeks but I am sooooo tired of the tablets three times per day. Gagging down tablets is how I start each day and end each day and I'm really fed up of them.

The nurse also told me I'd have another dosage of intralipids after my 12 week scan and yes they will be giving me another scan themselves at that time at 12+3.

So that's good about the scan, although I'm only just starting to lose the black bruise from my last dosage of intralipids.

All in all, a really good day! It's going to be so hard not buy anything too expensive now. I think I might use up the local council cloth nappy allowance on bumgenius!

Here is my baby:

Here is the scan video, not muted this time so you can hear all my stupid comments and gawking:

https://vimeo.com/69117418

10 Weeks Pregnant

Woo hoo, double digits! :D

A quarter of the way through pregnancy!

No longer an embryo, but an actual foetus! Everything is pretty much in place and all it has to do is grow and mature :)

My book even says that now the placenta should be fully functioning too, so I assume my hcg will start falling from now too?

So! If everything is well on Tuesday at the next scan then I think that's a really good sign.

I hate having scans upcoming. I start looking for signs of life and there simply aren't any! It freaks me out. I mean, I'm staying quite relaxed and content but even that freaks me out because life seems to enjoy shocking me.

I guess I'll get to see baby again :)

I got my gender reveal party stuff in the post today so that was fun. Just need to sort food and a cake and hopefully that won't be too stressful.

Nothing much to report pregnancy wise for this week really. Same old same. Well, it was until today. I feel fucked, absolutely knackered and I've got heartburn too.

I weighed myself this morning and I've put on 0.4lb this week, compared to 0.2lbs last week so maybe the weight gain has finally started to kick in but I find that quite reassuring really.

Anyway, fingers crossed the scan goes well and I'll be able to feel more like I'm in the all clear xx

I'm jinxed several times over - 9+3

Yes, I actually bought something for the baby and it arrived today! Eeeeeeeeeek!

What do they call it? The magic number or magic marker or something... It's apparently magic anyway, reaching the 12 week mark and overnight being free from all worries and strife due to being guaranteed on reaching full term. As if I believe that.

I read that basically if you get a heartbeat, that's as close as you're going to get in terms of assurance. The risk of miscarriage is very high at the beginning and then abruptly falls once you get a heartbeat and then from then onwards the additional decline in risk is actually very minimal.

Well, I got a heartbeat. In fact, I got a heartbeat twice.

And why am I feeling the need to insert a justification right after announcing I made a purchase? Because that is how I've been made to feel. That I need to.

Not by everyone. A few have also bought something, but seemed to have been very secretive about it even from their partners!

The others fall into two categories. "Good for you, but I'm not doing it." and "omg jinxed".

The latter really piss me off. It's so irrational and negative. Don't they have enough to worry about without creating made up reasons to worry about things based upon nothing other than their in built desire to not be content?

If I implied their baby was going to die because of their actions I'm sure someone would be giving me a bollocking, but jinxed due to optimism is fine.

Apparently if you post in the pregnancy section too early your baby does and also if you buy something before 12 weeks your baby dies.

So, I'm stuffed basically, but at least I have a cute little boiler suit to bury the little bean in now even if it doesn't quite fit in it. At least it has something of its own.

That's what I bought. A really cute wool boiler suit type thing with a hood and also a wool sleeping bag. Yes, I've bought into the whole natural fibres thing and I even went *cough* organic but it's only for the first few months for my first child so it's allowed. Stop judging me for spending £65 on one piece of clothing!

They feel lovely and look lovely, and apparently last forever - or until your wash them, whichever comes first.

Oh, and I also got my supplements... Yes, for Tri 2 and Tri 3 too! I read the back and all trimesters nutritional requirements are pretty much exactly the bloody same give or take 20mg of a particular vitamin that I've never heard of. Whatever.

What else did I get? Oh yes, a super wide brimmed hat - totally unrelated to pregnancy. It's for the garden. Well, me when I'm in the garden I mean. I don't just cast it out onto the lawn like a frisbee.

What else have been going on... Nothing much. I have terrible wind but I don't know if its pregnancy or  fibre supplements/constipation related.

Oh! Something pretty cool did happen. I was in Nando's and I went to order and the waitress started going on about my beautiful engagement ring (it is rather stunning if I do say so) and then she told me a brief life story about how her partners dad is dying of cancer and has a year to live so he wants to be the best man at the wedding so now they have to get married so they went looking at rings and found the perfect one and had to travel to shop but when they got there is and already been sold.

I must have said something that implied interest and it prompted her to go on some more about the wedding (hang on it gets cool in a minute) and she started going over it again but this time added that she had a little one on the way.

I asked how far along she was and she was 11 weeks so I told her I was 9+ weeks and I met my very first real life due near me person! (So cool)

It wasn't very cool for long because obviously she had all these symptoms and all these crazy cravings that honestly I think she made some of them up, for example loving sour skittles but only eating the yellow ones (pfft), so in comparison I felt a bit not pregnant but it was still nice for me anyway :) James was less interested ^^

9 Weeks Pregnant

Since the scan earlier in the week I've been feeling much more relaxed about the pregnancy and for a day or two I was rather blissfully content.

Yes, there is a but.

Now I'm feeling super stressed, not about the the pregnancy, but about the practicalities of having a baby on the way.

We need to finish off the kitchen, we need a new bathroom, we need new carpets, nursery furniture - not small tasks and not cheap!

These just aren't things that James contributes towards. He thinks the decoration fairy magically appeared and did the rest of the house, so I'm going to have to do it.

The inlaws owe us a wad of money if we are to hold them to paying for our medication, but I'm not sure they realise how much being pregnant has cost us so far. That money would go a long way to paying for the work we need doing but it's awkward.

Then the inlaws car is taking up my garage and I need the space to store my bathroom fittings until we get a plumber in so it'll be a case of "hi, please can you cough up the £1.5k you owe us and while you're at it take your car out of my garage seeing the winter is over?". Cheeky bastards, right?

James is sitting on some money too. He's into his mountain biking and has this stupidly expensive bicycle. Well, he kept leaving it in the corridor until one day we had an argument and I took a frying pan to it... He claimed I'd broken it and out of guilt I let him take the tax refund to buy a new one. That was ages ago and somehow he is still managing to ride his "broken" bicycle while sitting on this pile of cash that he seems to be dipping into at will. I'm starting to resent it but he's not going to give it up without a fight which is bullshit really.

It's all playing on my mind so much that I'm hardly sleeping at all. I can't get to sleep, wake up early and feel like I've not fallen into a deep sleep all night long. I'm shattered, grumpy and stressed.

I did allow myself some happy shopping and bought some stuff for a gender reveal party. I know some people think they are naff, but I think finding out the gender of your baby in front of some no body sonographer while lying on your back with your partner out of sight is a bit naff. As for finding out during the birth, I could do that but meeting baby is more than enough excitement and the family can't enjoy it with you then.

What else has gone on this week... Hmmm... I started a sewing class, had my intralipids and I think that's it.

Symptom wise I've got nothing to report really except since the scan I have been getting so many pulls and aches in my groin that its really getting a bit annoying now. I can't stretch at all without it aching for ages afterwards. I'm thinking "growing" which is comforting though. Sometimes I'm sure that my bladder feels rounded even when it isn't full so I'm wondering if that is the start of my "bump".

My weight has gone up by 0.2lbs which is nothing. I read 4lbs for 1st Tri but I'm hoping that with being overweight to start that I see below average gain during pregnancy.

 

Early Scan - 8+3

Unbelievably, i had a really good night's sleep. Slept right through, minus the several pees, but i was out like a light again right away.

I don't know if it was that, but i felt a bit more relaxed than i expected to and we were soon on our way to the clinic.

By the time we got there, i wasn't so chirpy. The nerves were starting up and as we entered the empty waiting room - a stark contrast to last time - i was feeling a bit wobbly.

I made the mistake of turning to James and expressing that i felt like crying already, expecting a bit of sympathy and reassurance i guess, but instead he looked crest fallen and asked why as if i knew something he didn't. I really wanted to hit him but settled for giving him a verbal lashing and fuming.

He actually looked annoyed at me but he softened and reached over to hold my hand, the response i'd desired in the first place.

I thought we might actually go in early with it being so quiet but i think it was at our appoint time of 10:30am that the sonographer appeared and called us to the room.

As soon as i saw her, there was something awkward about her. It was as if she was reflecting my emotions back at me. I assume i looked anxious, and she seemed to have instantly picked up on that and also looked anxious.

Are you ok? She asked. Yes. Do you need the toilet? Yes. Are you sure that you are ok?.....Yes.

I went to the toilet and i could feel her watching me, concerned, and as i sat there peeing i could hear her grilling James about if i was ok.

When i went to meet them in the room again she asked if i was ok and before i could answer she confessed that she'd asked James who had told her that i was anxious. She seemed to be making a huge deal about it rather than making light about it as i might have expected.

She asked about if i'd had any problems so i briefly told her about the spotting and the GP visit and the lack of symptoms.

"Oh, so you've had no symptoms either?" Fucking hell, what was this women trying to do to me!!!

I got on the bed and told her that i was already feeling like i could cry so she passed me some extra tisue for my face, the bit i already had was for my arse and even though i hadn't used either i was not to confuse them.

She started and i watched the screen and nothing looked familiar. There were swirling shapes that i didn't recognise and no black circles anywhere and i lay there telling myself that there was no way i bled enough for it to have all fallen out already.

"Ok, i'm just going to rotate the probe into the right place"

She started again and began with the slight of hand games that they like to play, where they move it around so quickly to try and disorientate us so that she can phase in and out and check things out before we know what is going on. She has no idea how many scans i've watched these last few days.

Within a split second i saw the dark circle appear, saw the mass that would be baby and then gone as quickly as it appeared... a flicker.

I exclaimed something, i don't even remember what, planted my face tissue into my eyes and bawled and bawled.

I caught her saying something under her breath like "you're good at this aren't you?" as i continued to sob until it finally occurred to me that the tissue felt more like sandpaper and my eyes were getting pretty raw.

Silence fell upon the room until James finally piped up, bless him, and he asked "Is it still there?".

I felt so guilty him being sat there for what felt like forever thinking that the baby had gone, but so so relieved. Yes, i assured him and the scan quickly resumed at a much more relaxed pace. I got the camera out and started recording whe James suddenly blurted that it was wiggling! I missed it!

That set James off though and now he was blubbering away.

I couldn't believe how much it looked like a baby. It measured 18mm which was bang on 8+3 which was amazing, the heart was beating away very enthusiastically but apparently they don't measure the heartrate. I also asked her about measuring the yolk sac, only because they measured it the first time, and she informed me that there was no point because they couldn't fix it if there was something wrong anyway. Nice.

It was over so quickly but still i felt like i'd seen as much as i needed to and was very satified.

She took some images that i wasn't allowed to have in the waiting room because of other patients and then she popped out, leaving a random image of the baby on the screen.

Ironically this random photo looked brilliant and is actually much better that the ones she actually took for us.

We then went back into the waiting room to wait to speak to the nurse to arrange what i thought would be my remaining prescription and my discharge from their care, but surprisingly she informed me that they were actually intending to scan me again at 10 weeks and then at 12 weeks.

She seemed surprised herself actually as it isn't the norm, but she explained that it was something to do with me being on intralipids and they were currently monitoring fetal growth or something. It felt a bit suspicious but she assured me that it wasn't because they had any specific concerns.

We left in a good mood and i visited a friend and then we went out for an Indian which we both really enjoyed. I was surprised how much i managed to eat.

What an amazing day and what's best is that i still get choked up when i think of that flash of a heartbeat that i saw when i was quite open to the possibility of the being bad news. Those kind of moments really stick with you.

So! Here is the pic of my little baby :)

Here is a comparison pic that i've made to scale as best as i could:

And here is the link to the video. I've muted the sound because i was making some awful donkey noises thanks to the crying, but if you watch right to the end you'll see baby wiggle!

https://vimeo.com/68151505

8 Weeks Pregnant

In the same perspective as someone I know... I'm now 1/5th of the way through my pregnancy :)

I'll insert a photo of my belly and my weight tomorrow because by the time James was in the house today, I'd already eaten several meals and was very bloated. That's not insecurity, that's just me wanting to look not pregnant before I start looking pregnant. It is very small, but there is definitely a window where I look less inflated.

So, what new with me this week.

Well I had the spotting which seems to have gone back to how it was before, none when wiping but some discoloured pessary gloop.

I really want to stop the progesterone so badly, I'm tempted to ask if I can. It doesn't make much difference apparently as the amount is nominal compared to pregnancy, but still... It feels risky. Although, I'm very uncomfortable with the gloop and spotting too.

My boobs look huge, but that might be mostly down to being given a new bra size. I thought I was a 40D (according the all the measuring guides online) but i went in and got measured and it turns out I'm a 36/38E.

What the hell. I think I'm going to have to wear my maternity tops upside down. When I put my new bras on, they are phenomenal. I look like I've had work done of the excessive variety.

They still aren't sore though. Not even a smidge. Since the spotting I've tried looking for symptoms more closely and I have that sinking feeling that I've lost a few. My nipples aren't sensitive anymore. My skin is greasy, but clearing up. My beard hasn't returned. I'm not as thirsty. I thought I could kind of feel my uterus but not anymore.

It's not sounding good is it.

I am still tired but I'm also waking up at 6am every morning...

However, I do have a little hope. I have been getting a lot of pains around my groin which might be growing pains and also tonight, I think I actually felt a bit nauseous!!!

I do get hunger sickness, like where I get that tummy grumbling feeling, but it goes when I eat however these past couple of days it happens quite soon after eating. Then tonight I had only just eaten my dinner when I got the hunger sickness and my mouth went very wet! That's quite good i think?

Maybe not, I don't know :(

I'm basically back to not feeling feeling pregnant since my spotting. Nothing.

The good news is that my itching has cleared up I guess.

Oh and I bought some fybogel, thinking it'd help with the constipation - full of aspartame! Couldn't believe it. Nhs recommended too. I'm glad I didn't take any but now I'll have to find something else instead.

Symptoms:

Bigger boobs?

Some nausea?

Lots of pulling pains.

Probiotic Pessaries and Antiseptic? - 7+5

Since yesterday I've been inserting my progesterone cream applicator less before administering the cream, thinking that it will be cleaned out much more readily and maybe irritate and clog less, and due to this I've found that I do feel wetter more and am rushing to the loo every two seconds just to find cream with the odd speck of brown.

I also used my thrush pessary before bed which I decided to insert as high up as possible. There is a risk of slower release because its less juicy the further up you go but figured it would coat more of my cervix and ultimately do a more thorough job.

I think that my cervix does actually feel a bit better, however, the opening to my vagina now feels really quite itchy... Maybe it was always itchy but just not compared to my cervix.

I do still have concerns though.

I'm thinking that perhaps I should look into some vaginal probiotics.

I've never used them before, just vaguely aware of them, and I'm thinking that a lot has been going on up there and it is quite possible that after the progesterone pessaries and the thrush treatment that all that will be left is a rather sad vagina that is devoid of any protective bacteria to stop what has already happened from repeating itself.

I did some googling and discovered that thrush = high pH = alkaline (never get my head around that) and that in some countries pregnant women are prescribed probiotics if their vaginal pH goes high because it is linked to premature birth and things like that.

Is it something that my GP might prescribe though? I don't know. Do I want to grab some over the counter? I'm not sure that I do.

So where I stand today is itchy vagina, no known spotting (but I do think there is still a trickle), some heaviness to my uterus (that I'm trying to ignore) and the occasional sharp ovary ache (that I'm also trying to ignore). 

Actually, should I get some thrush cream maybe for external itches?

Oh this is bullshit.

Why do I have so many questions when I was only in touch with both my clinic and my GP yesterday?! How many books do I have scattered around?!

T..... T..... T...... Thrush!

Yeast infection, blah blah blah, don't eat sugar, eat yogurt, apply yogurt (not happening - the dog will be at me), tea tree in bath.

Hmm, I like Dettol in my bath - would that do the same thing? I don't suppose it's very natural though. It almost makes me wish all my zits were on my arse instead of my face so I could get rid of those too while I'm at it lol.

Ok. Fine ill get some tea tree and maybe see what kind of probiotic creams they have over the counter and maybe just phone my GP to see what she thinks before I use it. Maybe I should ask my clinic too but I'm sulking.

Would you believe that they wanted to know what the GP prescribed me but they never phoned me back to find out? That's great patient care for you.

Some Spotting Update - 7+4

I decided to phone the clinic asap, so at about 8:15am I gave them a ring but they said that the nurses were in a meeting until 9am so I waited and then phoned back.

The nurse was nice and asked about the spotting like when did it start, what was it like, did I have any pain, etc, etc.

The bottom line was that they didn't think anything needed to be done and if I insisted that I'd have to pay. I was specifically interested in having my hormones checked and a swab for my itchy cervix but she said the doctor didn't think my hormones needed checking and that they didn't do swabs so I'd have to see my GP and if they prescribed anything to let them know.

The doctor insightfully told me that crinone gel progesterone causes itching in 5% of patients... But that doesn't really explain the bleeding does it.

So, I decided to phone the GP and at first they wanted to give me an appointment next week but when I explained the pregnancy bleeding they had me in this morning.

The appointment was ok, the doctor was nice, but even she didn't seem that bothered about doing a swab for infection. She kept asking about my itch and if it felt deep. I said it was my cervix and she didn't understand how i knew it was my cervix. She kept repeating deep and i kept repeating cervix! 

She had trouble reaching my cervix which is good I guess, I had to prop up my hips.

She had a look and only saw a smear of colour (but I'd douched myself so I'd know if there was any new stuff) but she said that my cervix was tightly closed which is good. I don't know how discharge gets out of a tightly closed cervix though... 

She also said my cervix looked inflamed and there was an indication of thrush so prescribed me a one off pessary to try and offer some relief until the swab results come back, so that's something anyway.

She was glad I had no cramps or lower pain, even though it not strictly true. I had had the odd sharp twinge but it more to the side so i assumed it was my ovaries or something.

On the way home I started getting some really sharp cervix stabs though. I'm sure it's just swab related though? *sigh*

My next scan can't come soon enough.

I just hope there isn't any more spotting now.

Some Spotting - 7+4

Just what I needed, some spotting. Not just my discoloured crinone gloop this time, but actual wipe and brown.

I'm lying here in bed wondering what the hell to do. What would be the sensible and rational thing to do...?

I haven't broken down I into tears yet but I feel it's inevitable so I've got to act quickly!

Yesterday, I had a bit of a scoop out because my cervix has been pretty itchy these few days and I figured maybe there was a lot of build up. That came out with a high percentage of brown chunks in it but I told myself it was over a few days so nothing significant.

Then all yesterday I was fine.

Oh, I had to wrestle a large poop out at one point too in case that is significant.

During the night I recall wiping and staring at the tissue quite a long time thinking I could see something  but I thought it was just my eyes playing up and if I switched the light on there would be no getting back to sleep.

Then, this morning I go to the loo and I see it properly - a brown smear.

Rationally, I'm thinking that my crinone gloop has been consistently brownish since I started taking it, so perhaps I've been spotting all this time anyway and I just unplugged myself so is it out... however, it does seem much more than what it was.

Also, my cervix does still itch so perhaps it is irritated?

And, I don't have any cramps.

What the fuck do I do?

I can't tell James because he'll freak out and then start asking me questions like "is the baby dead?" which I can't answer.

If the baby is dead then there is nothing anyone can do anyway...

I'm thinking perhaps that they could check my progesterone level? Perhaps make sure that my corpus luteum isn't breaking down before the placenta has properly taken over?

That seems sensible, right?

Luckily James is going out fishing so he'll probably never know that I've gone out anyway.

I can't phone anyone anyone up though yet, it's not even 6am ffs :(

Miserable Me - 7+3

Not how I thought I'd be feeling when I finally got pregnant but, honestly, I am so miserable and bordering on depressed that it's unreal.

I keep saying to myself, "I'll just get some sleep and feel better in the morning" but I don't!

I wake up and my first thought is to why I don't feel the urge to have a super early morning snack like I used to. Where's my heartburn gone? I can't feel any new spots.

Then today my first mission was to google miscarriage rates, I kid you not.

You know I was already feeling a bit wobbly, but yesterday just compounded it in so many ways that now I'm just in major sulk mode.

Firstly I tried phoning up to arrange my next intralipids which should be during week 8 but my scan isn't until 8+3 and the nurse was all cagey about booking my intralipids before I'd had my next scan in case it needed to be cancelled, which is always very reassuring.

I've also become slightly obsessed with my early scan measurements and it doesn't help that they are all different. I saw a study that linked early embryo size to miscarriage so I was looking up on that to see where my embryos growth fell (for some reassurance actually) but found that my measurement was way below what they use. The smallest measurement range they had was 5mm at 6+5, but I had 4mm at 6+3.

Then I read that they were dated by adding the mm to 6 weeks, so 4mm would be 6+4 which would have been good for me BUT that's not what my ultrasound lady said.

She said it should be 3 to 4mm and its 4mm so I'm 6 weeks (when I was actually 6+3) so now I'm wondering if she saw it looked small and just tried to anticipate making it sound bigger for my benefit.

There was also a link someone posted to reassure another girl and it was awful for me! It said something like 4-7mm for week 6 :(

So, as if I wasn't freaking out enough, I then get my embryoscope video of my embryos. I'm immediately pissed that the embryos are slightly out of shot, but it gets a whole lot worst than that! 

They are really rubbish looking embryos. I don't mean not ideal, I mean scraping the barrel even by our embryo standards. To watch them struggle and flounder and just get worse and worse and worse makes me feel sick. I can't get my head around them not being able to divide without causing mass destruction and yet being expected to be able to form fully functioning vital organs.

How I'm supposed to get through this next week before my next scan I have no idea at all.

I can't imagine me having that horrible bloody mess moment where it's instantly all over. The embryo giving up the ghost and turning up for a scan and no heartbeat I can imagine.

Someone suggesting these feelings are all part and parcel. Could this really all just be the hormones? 

I'm going to see a friend today to hopefully cheer myself up. Might arrange some mid week activity for me and James. Then I've got a BBQ festival thing at the weekend - "You have to be careful with BBQ food remember" *sigh*.

7 Weeks Pregnant

When I woke up this morning, I felt so low.

I think the fact that I'm pregnant is finally starting to sink in. We're always talking to "little Johnny" and it's become part of our day. Part of every conversation. "Johnny needs a drink." "What do you think Johnny?" "Has Johnny farted again?!".

My pregnancy is becoming more and more real but it's not the sense of glory that I keep on waiting to appear, it's a sense of dread.

I hate that I can't feel it's heart beating. I hate that it might stop beating. I hate that I'd never know.

At the last scan I kind of had nothing to lose because I felt I had nothing, but at the next scan everything is on the line and could lose everything.

I try to be positive and breath a sigh of relief every time I wipe, but every day there are girls who are crushed at their scans. One girl recently was very much like me and being brave and sticking her neck out and not shying away from her pregnancy. She didn't complain of any concerns and she'd filled her phone with apps and I was telling her which books I like and I'd assumed that she'd already had a scan as she was further along then me. I didn't even know her scan was coming up but I went onto the forum and was greeted by her sad farewell post. Nothing seen in the sac.

It could happen to anyone.

In spite of all of the crap going on in my head, i manage too peel myself up out of bed and I go to the mirror and start poking one of the several million spots all over my face...

What the hell is that?!

Oh. My. God.

Not one, not two, but three HUGE black hairs growing out of my chin. They must have sprung up literally overnight! And people complain about puking and here i am growing a fucking beard!

I yanked them out immediately and am now waiting for a call back from the electrolysis clinic, I kid you not. I've always had a furry face but its blonde and at worst I get a halo in the sunshine, but I am not doing visible beard no no no.

And as if my mc paranoia wasn't enough, I'm starting to feel like I'm failing as a mum already. I know I need to sleep but I just can't nap so feel like I'm hurting my chances. I know I'm supposed to be eating healthily but I haven't touched a vegetable in days! Since I got back off my holiday I've just been sitting around all day even though I know the embryos needs 30-60 mins of exercise every day. 

I tried to make up for it and went cycling today but James is a bit of a pain in the arse for volunteering opinions on what is risky. He saw me buying cycling pants. He'd even fixed up my bicycle for me. I say lets go for a ride, he says "Are you sure it's safe?" Urgh.

Luckily he consulted one of his daddy to be books (the WORST things I EVER bought!!!!) and it said that cycling is ok.

Anyway, yes, I went cycling and felt much better for it... If it wasn't for the fact I hated it after 30 mins as my arse was sore, my nipples were on fire and I was starting to feel bored. But I did it!

I also have decided to order myself a weekly organic veg box to my door to ensure I have plenty of spoiling vegetables lying around to maximise the guilt factor.

That's about as productive as I've been.

I keep on wanting to buy stuff for the baby but still have that little alarm going off in my head that its too early to spend £3k on newborn stuff, I assume it costs about that, and that in itself makes me feel down.

I try to join classes and groups but anything that looks like its worth going to does start until September for my due date. September!

Pregnancy Symptoms:

- slightly sensitive nipples unless cycling.

- bloating

- tired

- fucking beard