I don't know if it was that, but i felt a bit more relaxed than i expected to and we were soon on our way to the clinic.
By the time we got there, i wasn't so chirpy. The nerves were starting up and as we entered the empty waiting room - a stark contrast to last time - i was feeling a bit wobbly.
I made the mistake of turning to James and expressing that i felt like crying already, expecting a bit of sympathy and reassurance i guess, but instead he looked crest fallen and asked why as if i knew something he didn't. I really wanted to hit him but settled for giving him a verbal lashing and fuming.
He actually looked annoyed at me but he softened and reached over to hold my hand, the response i'd desired in the first place.
I thought we might actually go in early with it being so quiet but i think it was at our appoint time of 10:30am that the sonographer appeared and called us to the room.
As soon as i saw her, there was something awkward about her. It was as if she was reflecting my emotions back at me. I assume i looked anxious, and she seemed to have instantly picked up on that and also looked anxious.
Are you ok? She asked. Yes. Do you need the toilet? Yes. Are you sure that you are ok?.....Yes.
I went to the toilet and i could feel her watching me, concerned, and as i sat there peeing i could hear her grilling James about if i was ok.
When i went to meet them in the room again she asked if i was ok and before i could answer she confessed that she'd asked James who had told her that i was anxious. She seemed to be making a huge deal about it rather than making light about it as i might have expected.
She asked about if i'd had any problems so i briefly told her about the spotting and the GP visit and the lack of symptoms.
"Oh, so you've had no symptoms either?" Fucking hell, what was this women trying to do to me!!!
I got on the bed and told her that i was already feeling like i could cry so she passed me some extra tisue for my face, the bit i already had was for my arse and even though i hadn't used either i was not to confuse them.
She started and i watched the screen and nothing looked familiar. There were swirling shapes that i didn't recognise and no black circles anywhere and i lay there telling myself that there was no way i bled enough for it to have all fallen out already.
"Ok, i'm just going to rotate the probe into the right place"
She started again and began with the slight of hand games that they like to play, where they move it around so quickly to try and disorientate us so that she can phase in and out and check things out before we know what is going on. She has no idea how many scans i've watched these last few days.
Within a split second i saw the dark circle appear, saw the mass that would be baby and then gone as quickly as it appeared... a flicker.
I exclaimed something, i don't even remember what, planted my face tissue into my eyes and bawled and bawled.
I caught her saying something under her breath like "you're good at this aren't you?" as i continued to sob until it finally occurred to me that the tissue felt more like sandpaper and my eyes were getting pretty raw.
Silence fell upon the room until James finally piped up, bless him, and he asked "Is it still there?".
I felt so guilty him being sat there for what felt like forever thinking that the baby had gone, but so so relieved. Yes, i assured him and the scan quickly resumed at a much more relaxed pace. I got the camera out and started recording whe James suddenly blurted that it was wiggling! I missed it!
That set James off though and now he was blubbering away.
I couldn't believe how much it looked like a baby. It measured 18mm which was bang on 8+3 which was amazing, the heart was beating away very enthusiastically but apparently they don't measure the heartrate. I also asked her about measuring the yolk sac, only because they measured it the first time, and she informed me that there was no point because they couldn't fix it if there was something wrong anyway. Nice.
It was over so quickly but still i felt like i'd seen as much as i needed to and was very satified.
She took some images that i wasn't allowed to have in the waiting room because of other patients and then she popped out, leaving a random image of the baby on the screen.
Ironically this random photo looked brilliant and is actually much better that the ones she actually took for us.
We then went back into the waiting room to wait to speak to the nurse to arrange what i thought would be my remaining prescription and my discharge from their care, but surprisingly she informed me that they were actually intending to scan me again at 10 weeks and then at 12 weeks.
She seemed surprised herself actually as it isn't the norm, but she explained that it was something to do with me being on intralipids and they were currently monitoring fetal growth or something. It felt a bit suspicious but she assured me that it wasn't because they had any specific concerns.
We left in a good mood and i visited a friend and then we went out for an Indian which we both really enjoyed. I was surprised how much i managed to eat.
What an amazing day and what's best is that i still get choked up when i think of that flash of a heartbeat that i saw when i was quite open to the possibility of the being bad news. Those kind of moments really stick with you.
So! Here is the pic of my little baby :)
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Here is a comparison pic that i've made to scale as best as i could:
And here is the link to the video. I've muted the sound because i was making some awful donkey noises thanks to the crying, but if you watch right to the end you'll see baby wiggle!
https://vimeo.com/68151505
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