7 Weeks Pregnant

When I woke up this morning, I felt so low.

I think the fact that I'm pregnant is finally starting to sink in. We're always talking to "little Johnny" and it's become part of our day. Part of every conversation. "Johnny needs a drink." "What do you think Johnny?" "Has Johnny farted again?!".

My pregnancy is becoming more and more real but it's not the sense of glory that I keep on waiting to appear, it's a sense of dread.

I hate that I can't feel it's heart beating. I hate that it might stop beating. I hate that I'd never know.

At the last scan I kind of had nothing to lose because I felt I had nothing, but at the next scan everything is on the line and could lose everything.

I try to be positive and breath a sigh of relief every time I wipe, but every day there are girls who are crushed at their scans. One girl recently was very much like me and being brave and sticking her neck out and not shying away from her pregnancy. She didn't complain of any concerns and she'd filled her phone with apps and I was telling her which books I like and I'd assumed that she'd already had a scan as she was further along then me. I didn't even know her scan was coming up but I went onto the forum and was greeted by her sad farewell post. Nothing seen in the sac.

It could happen to anyone.

In spite of all of the crap going on in my head, i manage too peel myself up out of bed and I go to the mirror and start poking one of the several million spots all over my face...

What the hell is that?!

Oh. My. God.

Not one, not two, but three HUGE black hairs growing out of my chin. They must have sprung up literally overnight! And people complain about puking and here i am growing a fucking beard!

I yanked them out immediately and am now waiting for a call back from the electrolysis clinic, I kid you not. I've always had a furry face but its blonde and at worst I get a halo in the sunshine, but I am not doing visible beard no no no.

And as if my mc paranoia wasn't enough, I'm starting to feel like I'm failing as a mum already. I know I need to sleep but I just can't nap so feel like I'm hurting my chances. I know I'm supposed to be eating healthily but I haven't touched a vegetable in days! Since I got back off my holiday I've just been sitting around all day even though I know the embryos needs 30-60 mins of exercise every day. 

I tried to make up for it and went cycling today but James is a bit of a pain in the arse for volunteering opinions on what is risky. He saw me buying cycling pants. He'd even fixed up my bicycle for me. I say lets go for a ride, he says "Are you sure it's safe?" Urgh.

Luckily he consulted one of his daddy to be books (the WORST things I EVER bought!!!!) and it said that cycling is ok.

Anyway, yes, I went cycling and felt much better for it... If it wasn't for the fact I hated it after 30 mins as my arse was sore, my nipples were on fire and I was starting to feel bored. But I did it!

I also have decided to order myself a weekly organic veg box to my door to ensure I have plenty of spoiling vegetables lying around to maximise the guilt factor.

That's about as productive as I've been.

I keep on wanting to buy stuff for the baby but still have that little alarm going off in my head that its too early to spend £3k on newborn stuff, I assume it costs about that, and that in itself makes me feel down.

I try to join classes and groups but anything that looks like its worth going to does start until September for my due date. September!

Pregnancy Symptoms:

- slightly sensitive nipples unless cycling.

- bloating

- tired

- fucking beard