I keep saying to myself, "I'll just get some sleep and feel better in the morning" but I don't!
I wake up and my first thought is to why I don't feel the urge to have a super early morning snack like I used to. Where's my heartburn gone? I can't feel any new spots.
Then today my first mission was to google miscarriage rates, I kid you not.
You know I was already feeling a bit wobbly, but yesterday just compounded it in so many ways that now I'm just in major sulk mode.
Firstly I tried phoning up to arrange my next intralipids which should be during week 8 but my scan isn't until 8+3 and the nurse was all cagey about booking my intralipids before I'd had my next scan in case it needed to be cancelled, which is always very reassuring.
I've also become slightly obsessed with my early scan measurements and it doesn't help that they are all different. I saw a study that linked early embryo size to miscarriage so I was looking up on that to see where my embryos growth fell (for some reassurance actually) but found that my measurement was way below what they use. The smallest measurement range they had was 5mm at 6+5, but I had 4mm at 6+3.
Then I read that they were dated by adding the mm to 6 weeks, so 4mm would be 6+4 which would have been good for me BUT that's not what my ultrasound lady said.
She said it should be 3 to 4mm and its 4mm so I'm 6 weeks (when I was actually 6+3) so now I'm wondering if she saw it looked small and just tried to anticipate making it sound bigger for my benefit.
There was also a link someone posted to reassure another girl and it was awful for me! It said something like 4-7mm for week 6 :(
So, as if I wasn't freaking out enough, I then get my embryoscope video of my embryos. I'm immediately pissed that the embryos are slightly out of shot, but it gets a whole lot worst than that!
They are really rubbish looking embryos. I don't mean not ideal, I mean scraping the barrel even by our embryo standards. To watch them struggle and flounder and just get worse and worse and worse makes me feel sick. I can't get my head around them not being able to divide without causing mass destruction and yet being expected to be able to form fully functioning vital organs.
How I'm supposed to get through this next week before my next scan I have no idea at all.
I can't imagine me having that horrible bloody mess moment where it's instantly all over. The embryo giving up the ghost and turning up for a scan and no heartbeat I can imagine.
Someone suggesting these feelings are all part and parcel. Could this really all just be the hormones?
I'm going to see a friend today to hopefully cheer myself up. Might arrange some mid week activity for me and James. Then I've got a BBQ festival thing at the weekend - "You have to be careful with BBQ food remember" *sigh*.
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