HOLY CRAP I'M OFFICIALLY 12 WEEKS AND STILL PREGNANT!!! :D
I'm feeling so reflective upon everything we've been through up to this point. How the hell did we end up here?!?!?!?
Oh boy was I so done with IVF and instead of just about getting ready for the next cycle to start - I'd already plotted it on my calendar - I'm actually pregnant and not just pregnant, but a trimester down!
I actually had right up until 2015 plotted with fitness goals and IVF cycles and by that time I'll be morbidly obese and a mum instead, a good trade off I reckon. I'm glad I got out of that bloody Insanity DVD.
James was clearly feeling the same as me as he was keen to talk about the ups and downs we've endured.
He's infertile, but we get IVF.
We do IVF but it fails badly.
Just bad luck apparently but it fails again with no hope.
We try all the latest techniques and it still fails.
We find techniques not in the UK and it gets better, but still fails.
We find the techniques in the UK and its the worst yet.
We have one last hope with antibiotics, nothing seems to improve...
But now we're 12 weeks pregnant!
The scan today was met mostly with excitement, but it is so hard to actually be positive and enthusiastic like how everyone expects us to be. "Have fun" I've been told and I just think it feels too serious. I'm wrong of course, it should be fun, but laughing is the last thing on my mind while I'm sitting I'm that waiting room.
The thing that was top of my mind was baby and then the close second was embarrassment because I have the worst bikini line rash I've ever had. Sure, this is much more attractive than glossy curls of ash blonde. Fine, dark ash blonde! James must feel cheated that I'm not really beach babe blonde because he hates me saying I'm blonde when I genuinely am a shade of blonde. Anyway I digress.
So lovely red raw itchy spotty rash down my thighs - check!
We get called in and I'm about to nip to the loo but she requests that I don't and we go for abdominal scan instead which was fine (yessssssss!). A bit disappointed it was the less preferred sonographer though. They must alternate each fortnight. She's ok but very clinical and reserved.
For example - she asked if I had spotting so I told her about my recent episode and follow it up with reading about AF related breakthrough bleeding and she goes quiet, keeping her face straight, and then finally says "Hmmm, I guess that could happen". Wtf, seriously. Thanks.
I'm on the bed, feeling like I need to take my knickers off just to help me relax, and watching the black screen while she starts smearing slime just above my muff line.
Baby appears but is very still.
She does a top to bottom scan and I don't see a thing and then back to the baby from the side but still no movement.
This was all done in a a few seconds but it felt like forever and I started to feel the ground swallowing me up. I think it's dead. I think the baby is dead.
And then the fucking heartbeat. Little shit could have just wiggled a little bit!
The scan continued, no one else realising I'd just undergone the emotional trauma of the baby dying, being resurrected and me realising with horror it had already inherited being an arsehole (from its dad of course *cough*).
The rest of the scan was brilliant, really good.
Oh, except for looking very much like it has a scrotum in the 3d scan! I daren't mention it because I don't want to know and didn't want to risk it being confirmed but she clearly felt the need to acknowledge it because there is no way we weren't both looking at it - the huge bulk between its legs.
The sonographer rather tactfully chose to inform us that a baby's sex cannot be identified this early and girls and boys both have the same. Telling the truth? I know it's not entirely accurate. Trying to be kind? Maybe. Saving her skin? More likely.
Believe it or not, I have purposely not been looking at gender scans because I know I'll see what I don't want to see if I know what to look for but it didn't look like a nub to me without any research required - it looked like baby had balls. Not the cord either.
Just to annoy anyone keeping up to date with my blog, I'm going to exclude all images of the balls because I don't want to acknowledge them further and I don't want opinions. I'm just going to hold on to any shred of doubt until after my gender reveal party and I'll show you after then.
We left the scan feeling fine, very happy :)
Seeing the nurse afterwards was a trial because the consultant had told us one thing and the nurse had no record so she was conferring with a different consultant who was telling her wrong.
In the end we kind of compromised and I'm just going to do whatever I think is best and whinge at the original consultant in the meantime.
I'm currently stopping all the drugs (thank god!) except the blood thinners.
We went shopping for a bit and I looked very pregnant in my dress, until I started noticing all the other people who were clearly more pregnant then me. Should they be out in this heat? :P
Ok, here is a better 3d photo. The head looks pretty... interesting... but the elbows and things are amazing!
And here is the link to the video :)
https://vimeo.com/70001246
Amazing picture Lou, so happy for you guys x
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