Christmas Blues - 26/12/13

It's 4am and I'm awake and I'm feeling really quite sad and anxious.

Christmas Day was nice, opening presents before heading off to the inlaws for a pleasant lunch and returning home to feed the dogs and watch Only Fools and Horses before bed, but with hindsight I wish we'd stayed at home.

I didn't find the day very festive. I didn't find it very intimate and in the scheme of things it'll be an easy one to forget.

I longed for my house and my doggies and my Jamesy.

None of this occurred to me at the time so it's not as if I was moping but with Christmas Day being behind us now, all that remains is to look forward and I'm freaking out a little bit.

Part of me impatiently wants her out now, just so I know that she is safe.

Part of me is frustrated and anxious about all the things I need to do. There are things to do around the house, preparations for her arrival and preparations for the short term future which are all neglected and for no good reason.

Part of me is scared about labour. Perhaps to be expected but I get some very sharp pains randomly and even though they don't feel like how I'd expect labour pains to feel like, I'm wondering if my pain thresh hold and coping mechanisms are quite what I thought. I catch myself not breathing through them, for example, which I know is a big no no.

Part of me, most surprisingly, is sad that pregnancy will soon be over. I know, I know. I've been so dismissive of pregnancy being anything to cling to compared to actually having a baby in your arms but I'm feeling a little bit like my baby is about to graduate into a new stage in her life in which my role is already being minimised.

For these past 35 weeks that she's been inside me, I've been her life force. She breathes because I breathe, eats because I eat, grows because I grow.

Once she is out, her life is opened up to participation and influence from everyone else and I'll never get her back.

It's not about the pregnancy. It's about a mummy wanting her baby all to herself, forever. She's already grown so much so quickly.

So here I am, lying on the hallway floor with my ever loyal dog, crying into my iPad on the very early hours of Boxing Day.