40 Weeks Pregnant

What a load of utter bollocks this due date thing is turning out to be. I can't believe that I'm 40 weeks pregnant and still no bloody anything. It's not just that there isn't any baby, there isn't any suggestion that baby will come any time soon either!

Sure I've got some more bullshit symptoms like I had loose bowels today after not going at all for a few days, my labia are really sore and my back is killing but let's get real. I've had two curries so the shits is no surprise, I've been bouncing on a giant rubber ball constantly so big surprise my bits are bruised and I tried sleeping sitting up so a cricked back is no shocker.

The only possible real symptom is that my mood became really dark to the point I could physically feel my face getting hotter but I had just learnt that one of the girls due at the same time has developed high blood pressure so gets to be induced by Monday.

Woah, when I heard that I really was livid. I know it's crazy because it's a serious thing but all I could think was that she was a fucking cheating bitch. However, I felt less pissed when I discovered that she's strapped up to a monitor at the hospital until they can induce her.

Today has been a pretty rubbish day all in all though.

It's my birthday tomorrow so I'm getting older and James has been whinging that he's feeling ill so that is setting me up for a good day. Plus, and I know it's my own fault, but I said I didn't want any presents and I actually think I'm not getting one. I thought I'd have a baby by now so my birthday would be way in the background. I suggested going out somewhere instead but now it's like it's my job to decide where to go and what to do. James might have thought of somewhere by now, but I resent having to have the conversation where I explain to him that I don't want to have to make any decisions on my birthday.

Then loads of people have been in touch asking if I've had any twinges. I was really niave on that one because I honestly thought that people wouldn't be that bloody obvious. I will never ever tell anyone my due date ever again! 

Sure, it's different if they're just chatting or have been keeping in touch as the date approaches, making sure that I'm ok and offering to help keep me sane but it's not like that at all. They literally just contacted me today out of the blue, some for the first time in several months, and they are either coincidently checking on how I'm doing and others just come right out and ask "Any twinges yet?".

It's amazingly annoying and what is worse is that while some at least have the decency to fess up to them being rubbish for not contacting me more recently, others try to bullshit me with excuses as if I'm supposed to believe they haven't had one afternoon free for a promised meet up for the past 180+ days. Not a 30 minute email, not a 10 minute text. No time at all to spare...

... Except that you post your life on facebook, genius! I can see exactly what you've been upto.

I did get the nursery painted, but then I tried to do the back porch too and after an hour of painting stood back and realised that it's the most disgusting colour ever.

Sooooooo a very stressful and shitty day, as expected I suppose.

General pregnancy symptom-wise, I woke up to a bloody nose this morning. I hadn't even had time to pick it or blow it so I hadn't done anything to cause it, but I felt a bit of wetness so dabbed it on my top (very classy bird) and it was bright red. James fetched some tissue and when I did blow it, it was a massive bright red jelly clot.

I joked to a friend tongue in cheek that it was my bloody show but I know she reads this and I would be too embarrassed to use the exact same gag twice.

Baby is fine. Having a jolly good old time in my belly. I actually thought I felt toes earlier!

Oh, but there is a disgusting clicking coming from my belly every now and again, more and more frequently. I've googled and apparently it's a common(ish) thing but no one actually knows what the cause is. Some midwives and doctors don't even believe women when they mention it so I recorded it happening earlier but even then it sounds like I've just caught a nail on my iPad. That's what it sounds like. Click.

I'll try to upload the video, but I might have forgot my vimeo password.

My skin is still dry, but now baby has delayed so long that the inevitable has happened. I've now got two big red spots on my face. Photos from the left only on the day!

In addition my wax is also starting to turn into angry red ingrown hairs *sigh*

Hair is rubbish. It feels really dry without enough grease to it, so when I do wash it (which is still about weekly or longer) I go super heavy with the conditioner and this time it went really fly away and frizzy lie, it had gone too soft.

Boobs are fine and pain free, no issues there.

Everything is fine really except my slightly hot temper.

Oh! Weight... I was really hoping to not see the next stone appear on the scales during my pregnancy but I have put on 2lbs this week and I'm now only 0.6 lb away from it. Chances aren't good and I swear it will be a very dark day indeed when I get there. I told James and his response was "wow, that's not far off me!" Yeah right! Maybe back in 2009.

DIY Sweeps - 17/01/14

Yes, I'm still pregnant.

Yes, there is still no progress.

Yes, I'm getting desparate.

I've been brooding about my sweep not doing a bloody thing and my hospital due date having been and gone and my induction supposed to have been yesterday and James not getting to share his birthday with his baby and STILL no indication that labour might kick off anytime soon...

Oh and bloody Zara Philips having her little girl right on que. Cow. I'm just waiting to hear what the baby name is now.

So, I've progressed onto DIY sweeps.

Before you start on me, it's not rocket science. Sterile conditions are a case of common sense, a willy being up there is much less hygenic and the only risk to baby is if you do it when baby's head isn't engaged. Worst case scenario when all boxes are ticked is that you rupture your waters and have a baby more suddenly than anticipated but the membranes are tough and don't just break like that.

When I tried in the bath yesterday, I could feel my cervix but it felt weird like a pair of puckered lips with an undeniable crater in the middle. When people talk about an open or closed cervix in ttc I've never quite felt any difference but this time the hole feels huge. I couldn't reach properly inside my cervix though so proceeding was a bit pointless. I just gave it a bashing from the side as best as I could but without it ultimately having any impact at all.

At a loss, I somehow managed to recruit James into the role of midwife for today which really surprised me because he's normally way too sensible and wussy to try anything like that.

He did pull a face and complain but it seemed more like he was just going through the motions because the next thing I knew I was trimming his nails and he was sterilising his hands and we were up in the bedroom, me with my legs spread and him looking very serious and focused. He would have made a very sexy doctor.

I explained to him what he should feel and what he should do, but my big insistence was that there was no rush and he could take his time to ask questions and act deliberately. The last thing I wanted was for him to panic and do something stupid.

He was brilliant though. He said he'd found the cervix, he said he'd got his finger inside and he said that he was stretching it. 

The problem was that I couldn't feel a thing. Not a thing.

I asked him again and again if he was sure and he said that he was although he was starting to doubt himself because he too couldn't comprehend how I wasn't feeling what he was doing.

He assured me that he was doing a thorough job of it so I asked him to do it extra vigorously before finishing at which point I was aware of an acceleration in his movement but still didn't feel a thing.

Ultimately I just had to trust that he wasn't bullshitting me or being an idiot about it, which of course I do. Honestly! Definitely 99.9% sure...

...I just wish I could have done it myself to be 100% convinced.

Why I don't feel anything is a mystery. No one on the internet claims that they didn't feel a thing and although there is a suggestion that if you're favourable that you feel it much less, if I'm so favourable that I feel nothing then why isn't the baby coming out yet?

I spent the rest of the day attached to my ball while waiting for the sweep to kick in. I don't think I've been as dedicated to it more than I was today because I haven't even sat on the couch, certainly not lay on the couch. My back has been vertical all day long - and it's killing! I'm not even lying down to sleep, I'm propping myself up! Now that is desperation. 

As for whether or not the sweep worked, it would seem not as dramatically as I'd hoped. Bump has been fairly hard throughout the day and I even thought possibly a few BH occurred consecutively every 10-15 mins but there was no massive show or blood. Maybe some low cramping initially but nothing since.

I guess we'll just have to see what tomorrow brings.

I was thinking another sweep on the 19th but I might actually just have another tomorrow too. Why not? I felt nothing during and feel fine since.

If she's not here by the 20th, then she can come whenever she bloody well wants to so I might as well go all out until then.

Maybe Some Progress - 15/01/14

How many consecutive days of entries is that now? One might assume that one has acquired a slight obsession.

Last night was a bit intense. I found myself sleeping on my back throughout the night because my stomach really hurt every time I rolled on to my side. It was like I'd pulled every single muscle in my abdomen and the weight of baby was too much to bear.

It did occur to me that perhaps it was some form of braxton hicks but it wasn't in waves or anything, it was perpetual so I thought that maybe I had literally pulled all the muscles in my abdomen when I was doing my lunges up three stairs at a time.

However, come the morning the discomfort was gone so I'm not sure that tallies with actual injury.

I spent the day playing with the little one as she has been very active as per usual. I pretend to tickle her feet and she tries to kick me in the head with all her might... maybe that is why they start off so small. If they came out larger they'd probably unwittingly kill their parents due to lack of perspective and the species would abruptly end.

We did some shopping in IKEA during which my back was killing but my bump felt fine. Hard, but it's always hard with madam mooning me all the time.

I ate a Nandos no problem and went home where I bounced and I bounced and I bounced.

I've been focusing on raising a hormone called oxytocin (also referred to as the cuddle hormone) which is apparently responsible for labour and contractions. It is produced in response to feelings of bonding, affection, pleasurable stimulation, etc so James has been making a laboured effort to be tactile towards me with a nice hug here and kissing my neck there. 

I tried something new which was covering my boobs in vegetable oil and groping myself with puppet hands squeezing and suckling on my aureoles and nipples. I've been a but worried that one of my boobs has dried up but by the end of the 30 mins they were both really quite juicy, relatively speaking. They each gave up a few teeny tiny drops on more than one squeeze. This may help milk supply but it also aims to release oxytocin.

Then I had a clary sage bath and went to the trouble of lighting loads of tea candles and switching out the lights for a sensual atmosphere. As it happens though, you can have too many tea candles. Combined, they must have been giving off more light than a 100W bulb! After spending ages lighting them all, I quickly blew them all out again but for one.

Out of the bath and I thought I'd better get some perineum massage in with my Epi-no so I got my alcohol wipes out and sterilised my down below and as I lifted the wipe away I had to stop myself from squeeing out loud! A chunk of mucus! An actual sizable chuck of mucus!!!

I informed James and I could tell he was as thrilled as me in spite of the repulsed expression and "Ewww!".

I've taken a pic which James assures me that no one wants to see, so I'll just describe it instead because it is fairly generic. It's a cream coloured bogey with a tinge of green that is about 15mm by 10mm and has the consistancy of your standard snotty discharge. It wasn't as rubbery as yesterday's offering but it was slightly more dense than your average blob of muscus.

I suppose it was a bit of a storm in a tea cup because after it was fully acknowledged, that was it. It didn't really mean anything on its own.

I massaged clary sage all over my bump just in case there were contractions looming but nothing has come of it yet.

I did more lunges and now I'm lying in bed anticipating another James' special sweep.

It's his birthday tomorrow and he seems to think its be cool to share a birthday with the baby so he has been starting to show his own growing irritation at a lack of real progress.

Sweep Update - 14/01/14

Oh see! 14/01/14 would have been a cool birthday but noooooooooo.

I have been rather grumpy today as expected, all sulky and brooding.

No cramps or anything like that but at one point I did wonder if I'd found a chunk of muscus plug.

I'd been for a wee and wiped and noticed discharge like egg white which was a little odd and then I noticed on my knickers (well, actually I've taken to wearing James boxers) a green bogey. The colour might have been due to evening primrose but it was like a 5mm cube and it was very rubbery and sticky.

Also, when I got out of the bath I dried myself and suddenly noticed a warm trickle down the inside of my leg but I'm 99% certain it was just trapped bath water but it did have me going for a second.

All in all though it's been another rather disappointing day.

To top it off I also got an appointment for my second sweep but with the same fail sweep midwife and one of the girls from my NCT group sent an email to announce her new arrival on the 8th at 39 weeks! *sigh*

I guess it ended on a high thanks to James. He suggested sex and I wasn't going to bother because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself but we did it anyway and it felt very good. Not sexy good, pfft it's been years since we had sexy sex thanks to ttc, but it felt effective good. It was almost uncomfortable because he seemed to be hitting me really deep from behind (sorry tmi) but I couldn't help thinking about the bashing and semen and O maybe helping baby out.

If we can do it like that once a day, it'd be like a daily sweep I'm sure!

Why Am I Not In Labour Yet?! - 14/01/14

This is bullshit.

Where is my plug? My contractions? My waters?

I've been a bit like a child trying to sleep through Christmas Eve all night, keeping one eye open hoping to catch a glimpse of the magic. Turns out a sweep is as real as the fat man in a red suit.

I admit that I was a little suspicious at how little the sweep hurt once I got home and googled. I didn't find anyone who referred to it as completely painless, it was hardly uncomfortable at its best but I wouldn't even call mine that. That cow must have given me a placebo sweep!

There was one point where I thought I had a bit of a contraction but I even doubt that now. I was watching TV and it felt a bit like I'd involuntarily tensed my bladder region, which could be down to baby moving normally but this time the sensation held for at least 15 seconds. It wasn't the sensation but the duration that got my attention but then I noticed I had the blanket tucked between my thighs so pulled it out in case it was causing it and then I couldn't feel it anymore.

During the night baby has felt very heavy against my public bone as I stood to go to the toilet but she does that occasionally anyway.

I really hoped it might just trigger some active progression and now I feel pretty pissed off. A sweep, sex, excessive bouncing on my ball, two massages with clary sage, a bath in clary sage, raspbery leaf tea, lunges up three stairs at a time and 2000mg of evening primrose rose up my vag before bed and all I've got to show for it is greasy arse cheeks.

How anticlimactic.

I don't know what it is but I keep waking up with a nauseous urge to eat in the middle of the night like I did in the first trimester. That is pissing me off too.

I'm going to be grumpy as hell today.

First Sweep Done - 13/01/14

Well I'm back from my first sweep!

I had to go and see a new midwife at a different clinic because mine is on holiday so that was a bit of a faff not knowing her name or where to go but I soon figured it out.

She was much older than I expected, I'd guess late 50's, and her blonde/white short hair didn't do her any favours as even though it looked nice it's practically the modern blue rinse perm. She was quite plump too like many grannies are.

She was quite brisk and efficient too, unlike my usual chatterbox midwife. She had a nurse with her who did all the pee dipping, observations and note taking.

My pee was fine and my BP was fine.

The midwife was reading my notes and questioning my dates and my requirement for a sweep so early. I could feel my blood boiling slightly as she started splitting hairs about the consultant putting "term" in my notes when I was only 39+5 at most. I had to explain that I was supposed to have an induction at term and therefore my sweeps were booked for the week before and the consultant assured me that I'd be able to have one at today's appointment.

Eventually the midwife conceded but expressed her frustration by exclaiming that it's not going to work this early on because I won't be favourable, just to make me feel crap.

Why the fuck to they do that? Suddenly get all psychic just to foretell doom. They go on about how individual and different each and every pregnancy experience is whenever you want to know something specific, but you try to take control and obviously you're just wasting everyone's fucking time because of course they already know exactly how little you've progressed without even looking.

Before the sweep she measured my fundal height which was 38cm, the same as last time. She suggested she measured it differently to my usual midwife but my usual midwife had done them all and not just the last one. The last one saw me above the 90th percentile but this one (and all the previous ones) had me at 75th percentile so I reckon the last one was a blip.

She asked if baby was still moving and I told her that she was moving fine. She's still very active, the only difference being that it's more sliding movements and cervix stabs than tummy poking.

Then she felt for the baby's engagement (3/5) and position (cephalic L.O.L.) and seemed a bit confused. She took it for granted that the baby was head down but couldn't place the rest of her. She asked me and I told her what I thought, that her bum was high in the middle with her being frog legged either side and her spine going down the left/middle. She wasn't convinced though, I could tell, and she even asked if anyone had mentioned her being back to back which they haven't.

I have wondered if she is back to back sometimes, just because her legs protrude forward so much, but they felt the same during my last scan and she wasn't back to back. It does seem physically possible to me that she just has her legs spread to the extreme.

Anyway she checked the heartbeat down my left side (146 bpm) and then asked me to remove my lower garments for the sweep.

She asked me if I'd had an internal before which I said that I had but not during late pregnancy. There wasn't much point it elaborating that I've probably had more internal examinations than she has delivered babies.

I lay on the bed with a piece of tissue covering my muff and spread my legs while the midwife put some gloves on and maybe some gel but I didn't see.

Then she inserted her fingers and I braced myself for what I expected to be a rather uncomfortable experience. She very briefly felt around before spending literally 2 seconds... erm... fingering me and then withdrew her hand looking very pleased with herself.

She told me that she had been able to give me a very good sweep but I honestly didn't feel a thing.

Furthermore, my cervix was in the ideal position (anterior) and was fully effaced (thin) and she could easily get her finger in so I was 1cm+ dilated. I was much more favourable than she'd expected.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! 

Not that I'm one to gloat or anything...

I got dressed and left soon afterwards and hurried to the loo expecting to see a big lump of snot or some bloody discharge but not a hint of either.

Walking back to the car I felt that perhaps I had some low cramping but it was very light, certainly nowhere near as bad as period cramps. It was more like a heaviness.

I grabbed some food, bought some pure clary sage and raced home, commanding James to have a wash while I bounced on my ball and then to meet me in the bedroom. He huffed and sighed as if I'd just asked him to spring clean or something but he was a trooper and managed to complete his chore for the day. 

Men. They want it until you tell them to help themselves and then they'd rather watch TV, or in James case sleep.

Now I'm lying in bed, yes at 3pm, already starting to lose faith that I'm going to go into labour anytime soon.

I tried to book in for another sweep for next Monday with my usual midwife who should be off holiday by then but she's fully booked. The receptionist told me that it'd have to be the week after but I told her that I'll unlikely still be pregnant by then so now I need to phone them tomorrow morning *sigh*.

I'm just going to let the semen do it's thing for a little longer and then it's a pure clary sage bath followed by bouncing on my ball followed by food followed by bouncing and maybe I could get James to perform again today but I doubt it so it'll just be EPO pessaries for me.

First Sweep Tomorrow! - 12/01/14

Gosh it took some thought to get the right date in the title then!

Ooooooooooooo I'm super excited about tomorrow, I'm getting a sweep!

Or should I say I better bloody be getting a sweep.

There are a couple of risks involved. Firstly, that she can't reach my cervix because I'm super unfavourable at which point I'll cry, a lot. Secondly, that she won't accept my consultants consent because she wrote down to allow sweeps at term (40 weeks) and term+7 (41 weeks) and tomorrow I'm technically only 39+5 according to the hospital at which point I'll have a major tantrum. I did double check with the consultant it'll be fine and she said yes.

Surprisingly not everyone seems to know what a sweep is, well yoga friend didn't know anyway, so I'll attempt to explain what it is and why people have them.

Basically it is performed by a midwife and what they do is ram their hand as far up your vagina as possible in an attempt to locate your cervix to allow them to stick a finger inside it. Once the finger is in the cervix, they hook their finger around the edge and pull it to try and stretch it and separate it from the amniotic sac. The stretching opens up the cervix more and also releases labour starting hormones. Separating the waters increases the likelihood of them bursting which would also commence labour.

In some cases, the cervix is too high up to reach properly and they might either just poke around the outside of the cervix to try and release some hormones or give up completely.

They tend to do this once someone is overdue or when they have been admitted with what appears to be the start of slow labour. They might do it for anyone already in labour, I don't know.

You can attempt it yourself if you are dexterous enough but the risks are infection and that you might directly break the waters which is definitely not the intention as you might not be favourable but once the waters are gone you only have 24 hours to get the baby out before major interventions occur.

After a sweep it is normal to experience cramps, loss of mucus and bleeding.

Anyway, that's what I'm having. I'm at least hoping that I get some proper contraction type cramps out of it but going into labour would be very welcomed also.

I'll be trying to get another one booked for this Friday but I don't think they'll let me before next Monday.