I'm not even trying to be happy anymore, this is bullshit.
I was chatting to yoga friend yesterday and asking her about her discharge, as you do. Yes, I'm actually this delightful in real life too.
So she was saying that there is nothing much going on in the discharge department, in fact nothing going on at all, and she might get around to some time bouncing on her ball.
Imagine my reaction to a text I got this morning informing me that she was at hospital and was 3-4cm dilated and baby was on her way. She gave birth by lunchtime.
Something that I consider one of my biggest flaws is that I don't cry when really I should. I do cry but mostly when I've exhausted all other expressions of emotion. When I'm angry I'll scream and shout until I eventually cry. When I'm having the time of my life I'll laugh and cheer until I enventually cry.
When I'm actually sad and devastated and totally crushed and crying is the only really appropriate response, I can't cry. That is what I should have been doing this morning, having a good old selfish bawl but instead I sat there in a daze until I reach the point where I couldn't feel any emotion at all and that is where I remain. Devoid of emotion.
I softened slightly when she sent me a photo of her baby, she's such a cute baby and I'm really happy for yoga friend, but for me it's caused me a great deal of pain.
Rationalise how you want to but that is how I feel. I feel deeply hurt that she was due after me, not bothered at all about how or when it happened, and yet here I am with a much longed for child sitting in my belly when she could be a healthy 5 week old by now!
Yes, she could happily be a 5 week old child ffs but instead she's still a vulnerable foetus. As close as physically possible but out of my reach if she needs me, if she needs help. It just doesn't make any sense.
I've had lots more mucus today but I just feel rediculous for even noticing. It's just a big joke. It doesn't mean a bloody thing!
And to top it off I've had more "Any news?" communications. Oh they all empathise with me being late, but not enough to fuck off when I need them to.
Then I've got my brother who is on standby for when I go into labour so he can look after the dogs and I've been so touched by his enthusiasm. Well tonight I joke he might not get to spend his girlfriend's day off with her if I go into labour and then I shoot down his suggestion of bringing her with him and he is seriously disappointed. I can tell in his voice. Why the fuck would I want his girlfriend (who has been a bit of a dick recently) being present for my baby's homecoming while I'm making a point of keeping my nearest and dearest at arms length?!
Anyway, so it's been a shit day... Besides the mucus *sigh*
Oh actually, I've felt a bit hot flushy today too and now as I lie here I'm wondering I've got low down cramps on my back.
I've been curious to know if labour is like a period but a baby comes out too because I'm wondering if I've been feeling a little pre-menstrual.
Ah well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better! God bloody aqua fit tomorrow, I was expecting last weeks to be my last...
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