Some are scared of their body changing, some are scared of the pain, some are scared of dying, some are scared of baby dying, some are scared of failing to be a perfect parent - the list is endless.
My fear is having an episiotomy. Tearing less so.
It is specifically being surgically cut in my vagina based on the judgement of someone who might have their own motives for getting baby out now such as home time and who is acting upon some who is wriggling around.
It's a dirty region, no antiseptic, then stitches and sent home.
Some argue that tearing can cause a much worse wound, but it just feels more intended by nature to me and I'd be happier having that healing or at least being given proper surgical precision when fixing it.
Either way, it doesn't really matter because an Epi-no addresses them both.
An Epi-no is basically a device that you insert into your vagina and inflate to a maximum of 10cm which is supposed to be achieved over a small space of time. In addition the device is expelled out of the vagina which replicates the unimaginable sensation of baby's head coming out.
You can also minimally inflate it, insert it and clamp your vagina around it as a pelvic floor exercise.
It's not very well known in the UK and those that I've mentioned it too have typically regarded it with suspicion unless they themselves feared an episiotomy/tearing, but in Europe they have had fantastic reductions in episiotomy and tear rates from doctors advocating their usage.
It did come with booklets, and can I bloody find them now I want them, but you can start the pelvic floor exercises asap and the actual stretches are supposed to be started daily from 36 weeks.
That's cutting it a bit fine for me so I intend on using it perhaps once or twice a week in the meantime and my first go was tonight.
Honestly, I've been a bit apprehensive. It's hard not to be when you've been too scared to have sex so far.
This is what the device looks like:
You can see the pressure gauge with all the numbers on it, the pressure release which is the blue tap head, the black bulb is squeezed to increase pressure and the device that is inserted is the dark blue balloon thingy.
I've got some alcohol wipes for keeping it sterilised.
I was a bit surprised at the size of the device as it was already at a couple of cm in diameter which I felt might be a squeeze to get in but it was fine.
I started increasing the pressure and was surprised at the lack of sensation. I was expecting it to feel tight and uncomfortable much more quickly than it did.
When it came, the sensation was different than expected too. I was expecting it to be very localised. I've grazed my perineum before during sex and it felt a bit like a paper cut. This felt deep and muscular and kind of made it clearer to me how some women get such awful tearing that penetrates so many layers. It's not superficial stretching at all.
I kept increasing it until it actually made me feel like I might wet myself if I increased it anymore.
It wasn't as easy to do as I thought it would be though because my vagina was constantly trying to expell it. No surprise really as I've shot speculums past the doctors head and across the room before now.
So, now that I felt I'd achieved a comfortable amount of pressure, I let go of it while I contemplated what to do next thinking it would be wedged it but still my vagina forced it outwards and I figured I'd just let it.
I hadn't accounted for the fact that the top of the balloon was wider than the middle and as the stretch increased more and became more external, I was a bit scared I might cause myself harm but I tried to go with the flow and learn from the sensation as intended.
It wasn't pleasant and I felt a bit panicked but with hindsight that is the kind of thing I need to overcome.
I was surprised how big the device was inflated to actually, it was about 6cm! I don't suppose I'd need a parachute if I ever fell from a plane mid flight by the time this baby is born.
Here it is:
I repeated it a further two times aiming for 6cm and still got panicked at the crucial moment each time, but I came out unscathed. I don't have any tenderness or soreness, just a bit of lingering awareness of the region.
It's turned out to be a bit of a double edged sword because although I'm assured that it will help over time, I'm a bit more scared before of giving birth without an Epi-no.
10cm seems like a long way away.
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