Not much fun telling you at the start of the post is it? :P
The day started with me waking up at 6:30am to put the pork the oven. I'd decided on hot pork sandwiches with stuffing and apple sauce and then some other bits like salad and corn on the cob.
The pork was a huge 4kg loin and google said it needed pretty much 4hrs 30 to cook.
I intended on going back to bed but while I was downstairs I figured I'd just butter some bread and chop some salad and before I knew it, it was 11am (party at 12) and I still had loads to do and didn't even have any knickers on yet!
So while i was still dressed in only my dressing gown, my brother and sister arrived early to help out.
It seemed like a good idea at the time but I'm not sure that they didn't just get in the way. They took orders ok but couldn't function without my presence so by 11:40 I still hadn't gotten ready and just had to abandon them to their own common sense and hope they did ok.
I'd only been upstairs 5 mins when the doorbell went and the first guest had arrived! I was late to my own party.
Once everyone arrived we left everyone to help themselves to the buffet and it was no time at all before James informed me all the pork had been eaten and a few of the guests including myself and James hadn't even had any yet!
James came telling tales on my brother who had apparently eaten three slices of pork when he knew what was there was all we had for everyone. It is slightly irritating just because there was other things to eat, it's not as if there was only pork.
Funnily enough as I scraped up the grainy remains of the pork onto a muffin (aka bap, batch, etc) my brother appeared and actually asked if I was going to have all the scraps to myself! Greedy bastard!
Time seemed to pass at a pleasant rate. They were only obliged to stay for 2 hours which isn't really long enough to get terribly bored and I had a nice chat to everyone and even my doula attended.
I wasn't going to invite her but then I figured why not. I want to get to know her more before the labour as knowing someone is a lot to do with me feeling confident and comfortable which is the whole post after all. I'm glad that I did because she was really nice and funny. She scorned me at one point though because I mentioned to someone else I hadn't eaten all morning - oops!
The football was put on to the TV muted at the request of both mine and James' dad *sigh* but after a few minutes I had the pleasure of turning it off so we could cut the cake.
We gathered everyone together and they all stood around us as we prepared ourselves to cut into the cake and we both froze. James was muttering that he didn't think he could do it and the tension was building. I had a moment of bravery and plunged the knife into the cake and separated a corner from the rest of the cake but it still didn't expose the sponge inside. A few moments later and another surge of bravery and I toppled the corner over to reveal a cake with a lot of jam inside and no colour.
I just stared at it feeling very perplexed.
James instantly blurted out, "omg, it's a girl!" and it dawned on me that the majority of that jam soaked sponge was actually pink colouring.
What was happening? I didn't understand.
I just kept on staring at the jam inside and started to cut a few pieces away to check the middle and James immediately knew what I was thinking and laughed at me trying to find the blue that I knew must be there somewhere.
I was shaking and James even offered me a chair.
Right then, James mum walked in from outside. She'd sneaked out for a cigarette and had missed the whole thing! Oops. We have since decided it was definitely FILs job to ensure she was there.
So the cake was distributed and we watched the DVD of the gender scan which was pretty pants but did seem to show the "three lines" that everyone rattles on about. SIL informs me that boys don't have any lines, they just have a bit sticking out.
Immediately afterwards everyone went home and as the last people left, I sat down and tried to process what had just happened.
I knew one thing and that was that I wasn't feeling very happy. In fact I was feeling rather sad about it all. I thought maybe I was just tired and overwhelmed, and maybe I was, but people tend to squee in delight when they reveal their gender, especially when its what they hoped for, and I really felt like I wanted to sob.
I felt disappointed for James wanting a boy, shunned that the family name wouldn't be continued as requested, sad that I'd kind of lost the little boy we'd created and even named all these months and guilty that all I was consumed by all these feelings.
I did want a girl, I really did, but for some reason I was more devastated than elated.
James came and sat with me and he said something about knowing it was a girl all along and I barked at him that the only reason that him and his dad thought it would be a girl is because they all like to foretell doom and now they had it, something to be upset about, our little baby not being a boy.
He was sweet and reassuring though and I had a bit of a sob about how I felt and he seemed to say all the right things about me being tired and it being a shock after calling the embryo Johnny all this time.
I wondered if I was mourning the loss of Johnny.
James declared we'll use it as a middle name for our little girl. I quickly overcame my grief at that suggestion.
We went out for dinner, it was crap, but we chatted about girls names and James has laid claim to a new favourite. We'll see.
I'm feeling better about it now though. My little girl.
It just goes to show that you never know, until you know! I will of course be getting the gender verified at my 20 week scan on Tues *cough*.
I couldn't not comment. I wrote a post and lost it so this will be shorter luckily for you....
ReplyDeleteAnyone who has waited as long as you for a BFP could be forgiven needing time to get used to it but you've had long enough. Anyone else wouldn't give a stuff boy or girl who cares about family names. You should care about having the opportunity to create a family someone with your genes.
I thought I was having a boy I didn't find out, we had ivf I've had to wait to...we had a girl. I was surprised but as happy as I would have been with a boy. All I cared about was a safe arrival, you should definitely read your posts back. What would you think if you were still trying and read them back.
I think you should speak to someone about your feelings. Labour isn't easy and won't always be as you plan. Babies are hard work, they do not do as they are told/ordered..... you should think about that if you can't trust a couple of family members to make sandwiches
Also just because I'm sure you'd kindly point this out to anyone else yes you give a baby a name but you DO NOT give a baby an identity they develop their own identity it's called a personality. Plus just because pregnancy might not b what you expected please don't take it out on your little girl. I am in tears for my friends who are still waiting and would be hurt by the things you say. You are having a baby who will need love and rely on you for everything. I think of my little girl asleep upstairs who has been an angel from day 1 I realised tonight I love her more than I ever thought and hope that in the next 20 weeks you change your perception on things if I was you I'd be talking to someone .... I could go on and on but I'd rather be supporting my friends who are not yet fortunate to be in your position. One day they will be I really hope and fireworks or not they'll be great mothers. I'm sure you can be to but if you don't feel that love within a few days of that little girl arriving you must talk to someone.....
Wow what the heck is your problem??
DeleteStarting a fight with your first sentence much? Its not like Lou is gonna give her up because shes not a boy, good grief get your head out of your ass.
Surely having been through the heartache of this whole process you can understand mourning for things that never will be, I am having a boy, however it has taken me 8 cycles to get here and I shan't be having any more, I already love him more than anything however I am still a little sad for all the missed opportunities, I am sad for all the other embies that didnt make it, for the fact that had we not had problems my kids would probably be starting school this week, I am sad that I will never have a room full of pink things or all the girly moments that you imagine you will have, it doesn't mean that I would change a thing about my baby boy.
It was just a shock and as Sarah said Lou talks about her feelings on here in an honest way, if you don't like it feel free not to read it, I for one would prefer you kept your petty closed minded opinions to yourself.
Hmmm. I think you've taken it all a bit too personally, luckygirl. Lou uses this blog to be completely open and honest about everything she is feeling during this time. Pregnancy is something we really build up in our heads when we have got there via IVF. The expectation we place on it all is OTT (and we know it).
ReplyDeleteI don't think at any point Lou has said anything here that deserves the kind of response you've given her. She had built up an image in her mind of her baby, and now she's got to change it slightly. I know she is happy. But that was an incredibly emotional day for her, as it is for us all however/whenever we decide to find out. Also, because she is analysing her pregnancy so much, this is why she is worrying so much. I know from my experience that at some point, without you even knowing it, it goes from "is this really real?" to complete and utter love. You almost don't dare let yourself love it too much at first, as we expect disaster.
I hope you didn't mean to come across as harsh as you have (in my reading of it anyway). There is no one way that we should all feel, and knowing what Lou has been through to get to this point, I wouldn't for a moment think that she isn't incredibly grateful to be where she is. But please let her process (and share) her emotions in her own way.