I'm lying here at stupid O'clock again, 3:15am to be precise, and besides a slight bit of heartburn I'm not sure what my problem is. I used to be such a good sleeper before IVF and now every time there is a hint of stress and I'm awake.
It's still pitch black outside and I've just finished listening to what sounded the the heaviest downpour I can recall. So much for summer.
I'm a bit scared to touch my... Pregnancy? Uterus? Embryos? Babies?!
I've stroked over "it" and I'm sure I can feel a bulge but I don't think it's supposed to be possible at this stage. What would they know anyway...
I'm really struggling with the whole concept of being pregnant, and as per usual it's in a way that seems to stick me in the minority which leaves me feeling a bit like a freak. I've tried to reach out to others but to be honest I find them a bit irritating. They all seem to have ticked the "pregnant" box and then proceeded to build up all of these expectations of what they are supposed to feel and then spend their time obsessing about why everything is going to to wrong.
It's just such a waste of energy.
In fact someone posted a quote to me yesterday that just about summed it up:
"Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace".
I am hoping for my pregnancy to be a peaceful and life enriching experience on a very deep and meaningful level and its a bit hard with all that irrational foretelling of doom.
It's so hard to describe how I feel. It's not that I don't believe that I'm pregnant, I do. It's kind of like I don't believe that the wheels are now in motion that will ultimately result in me being a mum, James being a dad and my dogs being second best.
I can't get my head around all these things being destined to befall us of which I have no control and are too late to change. So much is already set in stone and I suddenly feel like I haven't had enough say in it.
It's like going to Subway and simply asking for a sandwich and then leaving them to make it themselves and you have to eat whatever they come up with, no holds barred. You could end up with a 5ft long cookie and tuna teriyaki concoction with black olives, gherkins and chilli sauce!
I just can't get me head around a baby being on its way!
I could hear James telling one of his mates yesterday and I could hear the same tone in his voice. He was unsure of what he was telling him, like he didn't want to commit. He didn't want to be held accountable for the words he was saying in case they turned out to be untrue.
A miscarriage doesn't make a pregnancy untrue, I really don't think that is worrying either of us.
I even went online yesterday and made some pregnancy announcement cards. They're really cute actually. They say "We have some amazing news..." and then there is a CB digi with "We are pregnant" on it and I'm going to paint over the text on the digi so they have to scratch it off.
They should say "We are APPARENTLY pregnant" on them!
I kind of thought that when we got the beta that i would feel more confident about the whole thing and i do, but my mind seems to be so used to diagnosing and overcoming the infertility that i think that is where having a beta came into play. It confirms we can get pregnant with sperm and embryos that look however the embryo(s) that i'm pregnant with looked.
I don't need to think like that anymore.
There won't be another IVF for a long while and even when there is it won't be a fresh cycle anyway. How do you stop analysing when it's all you've done for three years?
I'm not sure I feel exactly the same as you do, but I think I can understand it. I too have spent 3 years in the IVF mindset. As you know, I've had a similar number of disappointments (to put it mildly).
ReplyDeleteSo to get 2 lines on a stick was, crazy. But it was true. It then started to dawn on my that I was going to have a baby. A real life, mine to keep, human being. A human being that was growing inside of me, right now (and still is).
I've spent the last 5 years of my life wholly focused on getting pregnant. I hadn't even looked into what being pregnant meant, never mind what on earth you do with a baby. I still don't know what to do with a baby, but I'm learning this pregnancy thing as I go along.
I haven't admitted this to anyone, not even my husband or anyone I've cycled with; I'm terrified. I don't think this is quite what you're feeling, Louise, but it is equally the "wrong" response. I'm more terrified of it going all the way to term than I am of losing it along the way.
I'm not obsessing it will go wrong. There's no reason why it should, well not now. We've crossed the biggest hurdle now. I admit it was difficult at first, but just because to say I was pregnant seemed weird, despite the symptoms that said something was certainly not normal.
I at least had some sort of answer this time, as my new treatment pointed to a cause. This has helped me move past the IVF stage of my life (potential siblings aside). I'm not sure you have ever or will ever know what made it work this time. Does that make it harder? A lack of "closure"?
I'm starting to waffle now, and this is your blog! It's still very early days yet, you're allowed to feel however you want. I don't know if I'm on your wavelength or if I've missed the point entirely...
I am so very very pleased for you. I have followed your story for a very long time. The strength and courage you and your husband have showed is incredible and brings a tear to my eyes. Unfortunately motherhood comes with the job description of "must worry at all times". Embrace it.......
ReplyDeleteLove to you
Daniph1 xx