Fucking Fuming - 6+4

I can't remember the last time I was so utterly mad. I just want to chew my hand off I'm so angry.

Telling immediate family has well and truly blow up in our faces and unsurprisingly it's my mum whose selfishness and stupidity has managed to turn what would have been a really nice occasion into a source of stress and upset.

Basically, I haven't spoken to my mum in months.

It started over something stupid and while I didn't make much of it at the time, since she has created drama and bad feeling and as time goes on she keep adding to her offences until we find ourselves where we are now - me wanting nothing more to do with her.

So, we had the scan yesterday and sent out a photo to parents and siblings. Yes, it crossed my mind to exclude my mum but I figured it wasn't the right thing to do. She'd known about the IVF and had mostly been supportive so regardless of us not talking I thought she should be treated at least equally.

Big mistake.

Everyone else sent us texts back, lots of !!!!!!!!! and smiles and kisses and excitement. Most of the phoned up to chat about it it.

My mum, however. My mum sent us a text saying: "Wonderful news. How old is he."

I thought she can fuck off if if she thinks she's getting details after that cold text.

It must have played on her mind because I later got a "wonderful news." and later still another saying "wonderful news xx".

I expected the news to filter out in due time as they talked to us about it and saw it progress.

Well, tonight, I got a FB message off my cousin congratulating me. I like my cousin, but I don't see her hardly ever, and neither does the rest of my immediate family as she doesn't live very locally so I was pissed not that she knew but someone had told her and I knew who it was immediately.

My mum, without congratulating us nor consulting us, knowing everything we had been through to get this far, not having spoken to me for months, had taken it upon herself to tell everyone immediately.

Not because she was so super excited, she had actually made it clear to my other family members she was sulking, but because she just didn't give a shit.

No idea how far along we were, what our plans were, what our wishes were - nothing. And she wonders why she's never fucking included.

So now, I'm having to tell people that I'm only 6 weeks and I just know that they go "yikes" in their head when I say as much because its ridiculous to announce this early.

She didn't give a shit of the stress it would cause us, the pressure it would cause, nothing.

I've never seen James' face turn so purple before. He tries to stay neutral but he just wants to give her a bollocking and I don't blame him!

I'm certainly not keeping her updated anymore and at this rate I can't see how she'll have much to do with my baby when all she does is create stress and anger.

Little Johnny (the baby) doesn't like her very much for upsetting mummy.

Early Scan - 6+3

No surprise, i was wide awake at 5am. Checked my forums, had a drink, braced myself against some heartburn and then put my padded eye mask on to try and get back to sleep.

When a cold wet nose pressed against my arm i realised that wasn't going to happen.

My dog has been a pain in the arse. He won't leave me alone and the slightest hint that i'm awake and he starts up again. He wants to be as close as possible all day long and he sulks if we're parted.

I'm probably being unfair because he is being sweet in the general sense of the word, but i can only take so much full on dedication and worship before it makes me want to gag.

I get up and go and grab some pita and hummus, my tummy settling staple, and start sorting out my hair as we have to set off by 8:30am to get to the clinic for 11:00am while grabbing some decent breakfast on the way.

Fast forward to 10:45am and we walk into the reception. I spend a bit of time nagging them about how i still don't have my embryoscope data for this recent cycle and then we are lead into the waiting room and to be quite frank we were lucky to get a seat.

As i sat down i realised that my seat was already warm and soon afterwards another couple entered the waiting room, or should i say re entered. They seemed to gaze over at our chairs as they headed over to the far side of the room to the two remaining places.

We knew that we was going to be in for a long wait.

The appointment was at 11:15am so i spent some more time on my forums and contemplated searching for the patients whose names they called out on FB to see if i could find them (apparently this is weird and intrusive) and as i checked the time we were already 30 mins late and the nerves were starting to set in.

I know when i'm really nervous because i feel like my tummy is on a fast spin and it makes me need the loo and this is how i felt. James wasn't doing much better. He'd been whinging all morning about his tiredness and nausea (pur-leeze) in his typical fashion because everything is clearly all about him so by now he was in overdrive.

I handed him the camcorder and showed him how to use it and told him his only requirement was to film the scan.

I went to the loo and as i came out and returned to my seat, my name was called. OMFG.

We were lead into the scan room and were left for me to undress and as i got onto the bed, i made sure James had the camera at the ready. He was going on about how nevous he was and how shaky and dizzy and blah blah blah he felt and i'd had enough. I told him that this isn't about him. All he needs to do is be strong for me in case it a disaster and him being pathetic before we'd even started was not good. He seemed to suck it up.

The sonographer re entered and turned down the lights and said we was fine filming but she wanted to do the measurements etc first as it would take a long time.

This was bullshit. Basically she wanted to make sure that there was something there before we started filming because all she did was pan through the uterus a couple of times before she indicated that we cold film. As soon as she started panning i saw a sac and even though it was only there for a brief second i could see a flicker. I knew there was a heartbeat!

James couldn't get his head around the bloody camcorder so there i am with my arse out, legs in the air, dildo cam invading me, having an active conversation with the nurse AND playing camera man.

She came back to the sac and lingered long enough to show us the yolk sac which measured at 4mm, and then the baby which also measured 4mm :) She said it measured at 6 weeks but the early scan isn't really for dating, it's just for confirmation and reassurance.

It was amazing. The heartbeat seemed so strong to me, much more than a flicker - it looked like a proper thumping action.

I asked her if there was a second but i already knew there wasn't from paying attention and this was confirmed.

She checked my ovaries, both of which are enlarged (and might explain some of my 6 week going on 16 week bump) and that was that!

We're having a baby! One baby with a very healthy heartbeat. We're thrilled.

We have another scan booked for the 11th June to check progress rate and determine when i need to stop all of my immune medication that i'm still on. Can't wait!

On the way home we decided to send a pic to all of our immediate family and they were all very excited. We decided against telling them to keep it a secret so they are probably blabbing it to everyone by now, but i don't really care which is a bit of a surprise.

And that's it. A really fantastic day for the memories.

VIDEO:
https://vimeo.com/67148305

Last Day of Being Pregnant? 6w2d

I did a stupid thing yesterday. I got myself some FRERs and tested, all because I saw someone on YouTube who is a few days behind me test and she showed off this dark test line/light control line test and I really wanted to see one.

Well, I didn't.

For a while, the test was all about the test line but then the control started picking up and by the time the test had finished drying both the test and the control were super dark on my test.

I have made an executive decision and decided that the people at FRER have clearly started putting more dye into the test to prevent the control line disappearing. A very sensible thing to do I suppose, even more sensible if they bloody told someone about it!

I couldn't imagine the test line getting darker, but the control line is just the same. Bastards.

Needless to say I am never ever testing again!

In fact, I've come up with an invention <deleted for copyright> (I don't want you stealing my zillions)

In a way it was good getting that awful test because my mind has gone into "convince myself of pregnancy" mode to prevent myself from having a breakdown, so I'm feeling quite confident about tomorrow's scan at the moment.

I showed some girls a pic of my pregnancy bump (or my short, fat, constipated, IVF bump) and they seemed impressed at how huge I am. I got a twang of that bitter sweet feeling I've seen other mums complaining of because people have notices a bump, but ultimately are commenting on your huge abnormal size.

Yes I look pregnant! Shame it's all fat and constipation, but they don't know that. I must resist the urge to tell everyone that!

Urgh, I really hope today isn't my last day of being pregnant :(

6 Weeks Pregnant

Ok ok, so a day late, but I have a very good excuse. I'm pregnant and couldn't be arsed, so it's ok :)

I'm back of my holiday and was feeling very relaxed for all of 5 seconds, but it's hard when I have my scan looming. 

All I've been doing is googling miscarriage statistics and it doesn't help that each one of my books seems to feel that this point is the time to discuss miscarriage.

Did you know that there are even miscarriage risk calculators?!

I've had no bleeding, or well I thought I didn't until someone took the opportunity to tell me they felt coloured pessary gloop counted as spotting after I foolishly asked for opinions. I've never wiped and had colour, except that one time on holiday which I'm now wondering if it was a tiny skid mark, but my pessary gloop goes in white and comes out white with orange chunks in it.

So, because of NO spotting, I'd count as missed miscarriage which is much less likely than spontaneous abortion.

At 6 week, my miscarriage risk is 9.4% but then by 7 weeks its fallen to half of that. Actually it seems to fall by half with each additional week.

None of this is a relief though. The lowest miscarriage/stillbirth related statistic that I've seen was 0.5% but even that is 1 poor sod in every 200. How many people are in a large Tesco superstore at any one time? More than 200.

I'm also pretty sure that I'm having one baby just due to lack of symptoms and lack of bleeding and my hcg not being remarkable, which was fine, but I do kind of wish that now I am going through this that it was more likely to be one of fewer times. Not that I'm having an awful pregnancy, but I'm so over ttc that the fewer times I have to go through it the better. I'm really hoping for a shock second baby. Plus, so far I've been referring to two of them all this time so it'd be a bit sad.

Also, I've been fretting about my supplements. I started on Ubiquinol because it is supposed to fuel cells so I figured good to ensure the embryos had the necessary energy to grow properly. That happened and we had great growth so when I got a BFP it didn't occur to me to even stop because my embryos were still growing even if their location had changed. However, apparently, Ubiquinol supplementation during pregnancy is not researched and is therefore as it stands, not recommended. I had a chat with James, expecting him to freak out but he was actually very supportive and he agreed with me that on the off chance it was what was keeping the embryos going, we couldn't afford to stop until the time when most of the major organ growth had finished.

James has been great. He's prone to selfishness (the result of getting to 30 without commitments) and to be honest his enthusiasm for actually being the dad I want my children to have was a bit of a concern at times, but he's like a totally different person since I got pregnant. 

During my IVF I slept in the spare room just because i needed head space and then on holiday we shared a bed so when we got back I said I'd be moving back in with him and he told me a couldn't because the bedsheets were dirty. Honestly, I thought it was bullshit, but I went along with it thinking to myself that I refuse to nag him to wash the sheets but first thing the next day he had the sheets in the wash! He has NEVER washed the bedsheets. EVER. 

Then I got a craving for a burger so we went out to McDs but they've changed their menu around for those horrible themed burgers and the burger I got had no pickles or mustard. I can't express how disappointed I was but as I sucked on this dry tasteless burger, James pulled the car over and whipped his gherkin out (lol) of his big mac and told me to out them on my burger. Then instead of hinting about his burger being ruined, he started reassuring me about how he couldn't tell the difference.

Today, he is washing mould off the windows and applying mould proof paint!

I swear, whoever has the real James, you can keep him! I like this one much more.

I suppose I should talk about pregnancy stuff for a little bit.

I weighed myself and I'm 11st7.2 which means during my holiday of eating for three, I lost 9 lbs! My weight does tend to fluctuate severely, I weighed myself again this morning and I'm 11st 9.4, but that is still an overall loss of 7 lbs. Some say that's normal but it's weird I think. I don't look thinner either, it's not like I've dropped a dress size sadly.

Boobs are still normal. A bit fuller and nipples a tad sensitive to being brushed past.

My face is a mess! A million teeny tiny spots. Now, I am prone to the odd honking zit, but this is like a rash:

I probably should have popped that one on my lip before taking the photo...

Oh, I do think I'm having distinctive food preferences. I don't like sweet but give me sour or bitter and I'm in heaven. Best treat so far was some strong liquorish pieces, omg so good, another stroke of James' brilliance.

No cramps, except for the night I had the runs, but I am a bit moody and overheated.

Wish me luck for the 28th!

5+4

Nothing remarkable happened today pregnancy wise, except for us announcing it to the inlaws.

It went quite well.

Unfortunately my MIL was drinking a lot of wine so we were a bit anxious that she wouldn't be very focused when we told them but it seemed inappropriate to just thrust our news upon them randomly so we waited until the evening meal.

They took our food order a d a they left I thought that it would be a good time while we waited for the food so I told them that we had a thank you card for them because they'd been so good to us with the IVF and things.

MIL opened it and saw the card with the pregnancy test on in and didn't seem to understand she needed to scratch the panel off but FIL took it off her and did it and they were both just about the well up when the waitress reappeared with the drinks! Fuck!

I had assumed it was just bad timing on my part and she seemed to take forever tasting the wine etc and pouring and then finally pissing off so we could continue our special moment.

They were thrilled and MIL was crying and we exchanged hugs and kisses and it was really nice.

They wanted to know how everything went with the cycle and asking about the pregnancy and things and what was next.

I told them we weren't announcing to anyone else, I've chickened out of telling anyone else before the scan next week, and you could tell they were itching to blab to everyone lol

It was a fish restaurant that we were at and my husband and FIL had ordered fish stew and when it arrived I thought it smelt awful. I could smell sewage and I wondered if it was the mussels but no one else seemed to have noticed and I didn't want to point it out.

As my husband ate his mussels he put the shells on a plate next to me and I have them a sniff - definitely them! Blurgh. I'm surprised he ate them because he's normally funny about stuff like that and they wreaked.

At the end of the meal, the waitress reappeared and seemed more talkative. "Oh so that's why you wanted your scallops overcooked, congratulations!" "Was that a scratch card that you used to announce? I wish I'd thought of that."

It was dawning on me that if she saw the scratch card that she must have already been aware something was going on before she intruded at the crucial moment. Cow.

"I'm 22 weeks pregnant". Piss. Off.

Not that I could tell anyway as she was quite well padded already. I'm the opposite, I already look about 16 weeks. Which is worse? When did my belly get so round?! I blame the IVF hormones. Definitely NOT the associated comfort eating.

5+2

Oh my what a stressful day.

It started off with a blazing row with James over how to deal with the dogs in public. They're good dogs but I get on edge around other people's dogs because even though my lad is a really friendly dog, other dogs always take a dislike to him even when the owners claim their dogs are friendly they just come right over and start growling so then the owners get a bollocking off me and James finds it all very embarrassing.

It got really heated so we head back to the cottage to fume and I go to the toilet and wipe... And I'm pretty sure I saw some coloured dots. It was weird. Not like coloured discharge, it was like there was a cut and I wiped across it and there was a a smeared droplet on the tissue.

I poked to find more but I couldn't. The discharge was perhaps a little orange which freaked me out still but afterwards I was confused about if I'd seen anything at all.

I made a huge mistake then of casually telling James about it and he completely broke down. He looked like he was about to cry and I quickly had to try and back track and practically retract what I said. He wanted to know if the pregnancy was over and I found myself trying to pacify him while at the same time being irritated by the fact that it was suddenly all about him. He was the upset one and I was having to make him feel better.

I couldn't really think of what to do to clarify the situation except to take a test but I was really scared of doing a CB digi because on 4+2 it was still showing 1-2 weeks so at 5+2 I was scared it would say 2-3 or even worse still say 1-2!

I could just squeeze out enough pee to cover the bottom of a cup and dipped the test and waited, and waited. I was expecting it to say "Pregnant" instantly but it didn't. I started feeling a bit sick and when the result finally flashed up I started crying.

I could hear James frantically running down the stairs to get to me so I called out "It's ok, it's good".

Pregnant 3+

Phew!

I was so relieved but still a bit shaken about the dot on the tissue, once you get it in your head something might not be right every other symptoms to you get seems to support it.

Walking to a restaurant later, I felt like I was getting painful cramps. Every few moments a cramp would hit me and I just tried to ignore it, not wanting to make another fuss in front of James.

We were going to go for seafood but James was disagreeing with me about what I couldn't eat again. I said cooked shellfish was fine, he said it wasn't. I don't mind him trying to do what is best for the embryos, in fact I'm just relieved he's showing an interest at all, but he doesn't do any research. He tries to impose things on me based on his short sighted assumptions.

Luckily the seafood place was closed so it gives me an opportunity to show him that I can eat cooked shellfish but still the menu was very restrictive to me when we found somewhere else to go.

I ordered my duck well done and heard the landlord suggesting that the chef would not be happy cooking it well so James had to explain that I was pregnant which was annoying.

It was a really nice meal though but as we left, I started feeling the cramps again. Strange that they were gone during the meal... Actually they seemed to get worse when I inhaled. Belly out = cramp. Maybe it's not a cramp at all, it feels very much on my back... That's it! I've done my back in when I was washing the dogs! Testing the theory as we walked, it was definitely my back and only happened when I puffed my belly out.

I wouldn't mind but I wasn't lifting the dogs or anything, just leaning over them while soaping and rinsing them. I'm glad it's not cramps though. No spotting and probably no cramps!

Alls well that ends well :)

5 Weeks Pregnant

My first proper apparently pregnant blog! 

Yep, it's still not sunk in and to be honest I'm not sure when it will do.

I don't feel depressed as if I've had a failed cycle nor do I feel worried that my pregnancy might end.

I simply don't "feel" pregnant to start off with.

This previous week has simply consisted of me remaining in some sort of state of limbo where I'm trying to scrape together any scraps of symptoms to attribute to pregnancy.

I've come up with:

Bruised bladder sensation

Pulled groin/very low stomach

Tiredness

Heartburn

The tiredness could of course be due the me waking up at 5am every morning, but I've been having a nap in the car this afternoon.

We're driving down to Devon for our commiseration piss up holiday. Well, James is now going on a celebratory piss up holiday and I'm going on a celebatory no piss up holiday. In fact no anything holiday for me.

I got dirty looks for suggesting a KFC burger for lunch at the services. Instead it was a Starbucks panini and considering I'm off obvious dairy that left me with the chicken and tomato one.

That's a first for him giving a shit about fat content so maybe he thought the super deep fried chicken still might contain traces of salmonella, he's salmonella crazy! I eat raw eggs from my own chickens and kiss my pet lizard frequently and I've never had bloody salmonella poisoning. I'm pretty sure I'm immune.

You know, I read up about it and its not even the sickness that is the risk to babies it's the potential dehydration and yet they make no such recommendations about drinking a minimal amount of fluid or staying out of the sun or whatever I'd think was a much more likely source of dehydration.

I was really thirsty yesterday after my intralipids. The joys of pregnancy after an immune cycle, repeat prescriptions of lots of tablets and injections and even IV drips.

Luckily the intralipid nurse was one that I had before on cycle 3 and she was very nice, a good dry sense of humour. She even gave me her mobile number to inform her what I'm having, she told me I should have triplets - twin boys and a girl as if I put my request in at the clinic while we was arranging the BFP.

I also got my pregnancy announcement cards! James thought I was nuts when I told him I was getting some custom cards made but now they've arrived I can tell he's really chuffed.

The things is that I ordered them out of necessity and insisting on acknowledging it somehow but now I'm starting to chicken out of sending them.

My inlaws are visiting us at the holiday cottage for a couple of days and we'll have to tell them the truth so I was going to send the cards out next day delivery to reach everyone else like siblings.

I dunno now. If I could trust MIL to not tell SIL I'd probably wait until the scan but I just can't. Urgh.

I'll do a digi in the morning or telling them and unless its 3+ like is should be I'm not telling anyone at all!

I suppose I should stick up a photo of my week 5 belly but I already look 16 weeks, no joke. I don't look fat, I don't think. I look like I swallowed a beach ball.

I always blame the IVF as once I bloat in the run up to egg collection, I don't deflate again. I think afterwards your follicles refill with fluid and I'm not sure when that fluid should had gone by. I know that women with OHSS can get worse when pregnant so maybe I'm suffering from a degree of lingering ovary bloat due to pregnancy. I need to look it up.

Anyway, no photo this week.

OMG sunshine!!! Only an hour away and there is actual sunshine! Can't wait!

Dealing with the Concept of Being Pregnant

I'm lying here at stupid O'clock again, 3:15am to be precise, and besides a slight bit of heartburn I'm not sure what my problem is. I used to be such a good sleeper before IVF and now every time there is a hint of stress and I'm awake.

It's still pitch black outside and I've just finished listening to what sounded the the heaviest downpour I can recall. So much for summer.

I'm a bit scared to touch my... Pregnancy? Uterus? Embryos? Babies?!

I've stroked over "it" and I'm sure I can feel a bulge but I don't think it's supposed to be possible at this stage. What would they know anyway...

I'm really struggling with the whole concept of being pregnant, and as per usual it's in a way that seems to stick me in the minority which leaves me feeling a bit like a freak. I've tried to reach out to others but to be honest I find them a bit irritating. They all seem to have ticked the "pregnant" box and then proceeded to build up all of these expectations of what they are supposed to feel and then spend their time obsessing about why everything is going to to wrong.

It's just such a waste of energy.

In fact someone posted a quote to me yesterday that just about summed it up:
"Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace".

I am hoping for my pregnancy to be a peaceful and life enriching experience on a very deep and meaningful level and its a bit hard with all that irrational foretelling of doom.

It's so hard to describe how I feel. It's not that I don't believe that I'm pregnant, I do. It's kind of like I don't believe that the wheels are now in motion that will ultimately result in me being a mum, James being a dad and my dogs being second best.

I can't get my head around all these things being destined to befall us of which I have no control and are too late to change. So much is already set in stone and I suddenly feel like I haven't had enough say in it.

It's like going to Subway and simply asking for a sandwich and then leaving them to make it themselves and you have to eat whatever they come up with, no holds barred. You could end up with a 5ft long cookie and tuna teriyaki concoction with black olives, gherkins and chilli sauce!

I just can't get me head around a baby being on its way!

I could hear James telling one of his mates yesterday and I could hear the same tone in his voice. He was unsure of what he was telling him, like he didn't want to commit. He didn't want to be held accountable for the words he was saying in case they turned out to be untrue.

A miscarriage doesn't make a pregnancy untrue, I really don't think that is worrying either of us.

I even went online yesterday and made some pregnancy announcement cards. They're really cute actually. They say "We have some amazing news..." and then there is a CB digi with "We are pregnant" on it and I'm going to paint over the text on the digi so they have to scratch it off.

They should say "We are APPARENTLY pregnant" on them!

I kind of thought that when we got the beta that i would feel more confident about the whole thing and i do, but my mind seems to be so used to diagnosing and overcoming the infertility that i think that is where having a beta came into play. It confirms we can get pregnant with sperm and embryos that look however the embryo(s) that i'm pregnant with looked.

I don't need to think like that anymore.

There won't be another IVF for a long while and even when there is it won't be a fresh cycle anyway. How do you stop analysing when it's all you've done for three years?

OTD + Beta

My clinic had given me 13dp3dt as my official test date which was a Monday but seeing that i had started testing positive on the Thursday i had already phoned them and registered my positive test.

During the phonecall they wanted to know what other drugs i needed (quite a lot with my immune medications) and they also booked me in for a scan. At this time it also became apparent that a beta blood hcg test was not standard procedure at my clinic.

I found this really quite confusing and distressing because how did they know that i was actually pregnant unless they physically saw me pee on a test or give me a beta?!

It might sound strange, but seeing those positive tests - all 9 of them! - didn't mean a damn thing unless someone else could see them.

Maybe i was doing the test wrong? Maybe something else was causing the positive besides a pregnancy? If it all went away would i have to argue about whether i was ever pregnant at all?

It might seem irrational but i needed them to know that i was pregnant. I needed them to know that what we had tried had worked and i could get pregnant off James' sperm. I needed them to see it for themselves!

Even when i offered to pay for the beta myself they didn't seem keen, it's like they were set against people having them and why i don't understand but after a lot of pouting over the telephone they said they'd have me in on the same Monday as my OTD :)

That was yesterday and the whole blood drawing bit was a nightmare. I always have bad veins. They always complain about my bad veins. I always tell them to just get stuck in but they always faff around and call for someone else who is no better. They must have stabbed me about 6 times in various places, including the soft side of my wrist(!), to the point that they were sucking blood out at a snails pace and i did what i have never done before... i went woosy.

I called for a sick cup and had to lie down and my ears went numb. Nothing to do with the needles i thought to myself, it's a pregnancy thing! :D

I got home and had to wait for the call, i really hoped it's wasn't a rubbish number now! I wasn't too worried, except for the fact that my clear blue digi still stated 1-2 weeks when i should have been 2-3 since two days earlier.

Finally it came and it was a lovely reading of 249! I asked what it meant and the nurse replied "It means you're 4 weeks pregnant" as if it was a very insightful piece of information so i asked at what reading they might have been worried and she rather dimly said that if the number meant i was only 1 week pregnant.

Ah! Validation! :)

My Tests Progression

I started testing on the eve of 12 dpo and have tested every single morning since with a FRER and i've realised that i'm not entirely sure when i'm supposed to stop.

I'm quite content to watch the lines getting darker and allowing myself to judge just how much darker the line is each time - does it look like it has doubled every couple of days?

Today James asked how long i intended on testing for as i dragged him into Boots for another couple of twin packs at £10 each and i think that i am going to do these last four and then stop.

I'll be going on holiday then anyway and i don't think it's good form to spent a hard earned holiday stressing about every day worries.

Here are my tests to date, which i'll update at the end of the week to the whole lot at once.

My Two Week Wait

The embryo transfer itself went very smoothly. Nice staff, prompt appointment, swift and painless procedure and most of all James was happy! As we left the previous transfer he was very cross at the speed of which the embryos had "been rocketed out of the catheter" but this time is was much smoother.

As we left the clinic though, i felt a lot of mixed emotions. They had transferred two embryos of below average quality both with a less than ideal number of cells and the remaining embryos all looked worse. I had that feeling of history repeating itself.

I spent the first coupe of days just researching success rates but i already knew the jist of it. We were screwed. I think one of the statistics was 20% which might seem like a decent shot until you consider that to get a baby in a perfect world you'd need five of them and we only had two on board.

I was also waiting in anticipation of news of the remaining embryos that had been left to grow on to day 5, not that i had any expectations. We'd never got more than two blastocysts previously and hopefully they were already in my uterus!

The update on day 5 was a bit of a shock. We had three blastocysts and one of them was 3BC (borderline for freezing) so they intended to freeze it later on while growing the others to day 6.

Ok, so day 5 wasn't the shock. Day 6 was the shock! We now had four blastocysts, they had frozen the one the day before but it had increased to 3BB before freezing and they had another they wanted to freeze that was 4BC! We had two frosties!!!

Amazing news, right?! Maybe.

Either that meant that the the ones inside should be even better than those... or that they'd put the wrong ones back.

I think that overall we was just happy to have some frosties. It was something else we had achieved that we hadn't had before and we had learned to really make the most of all these little goals because by the time you get to cycle 6 after having to overcome hurdle after hurdle, it's those that keep you going.

Now the really hard part began, nothing to do but wait, but i was feeling very contented and relaxed.

I was keeping my eye on the calendar, seeing when things should happen in terms of implantation, and besides my mum making her usual efforts to stress me out i was feeling great.

I'd arranged to go out with my sister on 8 days past retrieval, by which time the embryos should be stuck in place and requiring bloodflow. It was a rather ambitious plan because we were going to an outdoor adventure park for my nephew but i needed some fresh air and fun and thats exactly what i got! We shot each other with foam balls, went on zip wires, a big bouncy castle, roller skates, go karts - you name it! I was aware not to exert myself, but it was so good to let my hair down!

So... implantation should have just about happened... what else is there to do but symptom spot?

I'll stick it in list form:
8 dpo - Uterus/bladder felt bruised if pressed all day long, until i got home and it was gone and felt empty. Went to toilet which is unusal for me in 2ww. No other symptoms at all, everything normal.
9 dpo  - Foul mooded PMS bitch on the warpath. Classic AF, if a little late. Some brief kidney burns. Windy.
10 dpo - Bruised uterus/bladder is back. Ovaries feel like just ovulated and throbbing but maybe cramps. Still a moody bitch, but crying too. Frequent toilet for poo, not the runs. Mostly AF except the bruised feeling and lack of constipation. Windy.
11 dpo - Bruised uterus gone by the evening again. Moody, hot flashes. Still going to the toilet, last cycle drank a bottle of laculose during 2ww and i was still constipated!
12 dpo - Suffered very low cramps and bloated stomach. Lost appetite. Wind less often but it smells like period.


I had a tantrum at 9pm on 12 dpo and tested with a FRER and got very faint line and then a digi came back pregnant! :)

One symptom that i did NOT get that i felt i really should have got reading the internet was sore boobs. My boobs are big and veiny and everyone goes on about their boobs but mine felt and still feel deflated, soft, not sore in the slightest and there is no change in the veins or the colour or anything.

A Little Bit About Us

Hello,

So if you're reading this you are probably experiencing something similar to myself and wondering if i'm someone that you might be able to relate to.

I'm Louise, i'm 28 years old and have been a full time mum for the past three and a half years - over looking the fact that i don't actually have any children!

I met my husband, James, in the summer of 2005 and since then we have been inseperable. He was a little older but i've always been mature for my age so that suited me fine. He had his issues but we were so similar in so many ways and we had a really good time time together.

I remember one time that i was showing him my "trick" of being to fold my tongue not once, not twice but three time and as i showed him - he went and did it right back at me! It's stupid but it's little things like that which stir up all those romantic notions of soul mates.

It's one of many little quirks that we share and i couldn't imagine finding anyone that was more like me than he is. The areas in which we differ we are polar opposites but that just has a balancing effect on both of us.


He lacked direction and i had too much direction, so in 2009 i told him we should get married and he complied. It was the best day of my life. It was amazing and we are very happy together.

We had, well i had, everything planned. We were married in the September, moved half way across the country into a huge family home by November and trying for a family by summer 2010 because i didn't want a winter baby with both myself and James being winter babies.

I've always had it drilled into me about being from "good stock" as it's one of my mum's neuroces and my unfounded huge level of confidence in my ability to reproduce meant that after only 5 cycles without pregnancy, i was feeling very frustrated.

I felt that there were a lot of extrenal pressures for it to happen quickly, not only did i need to have popped out 4 children by the age of 30 *cough* but i had new friends that were pregnant and i had newly wed relatives that were pregnant. I had a overwhelming sense of social exclusion if the baby didn't arrive at the right time.

It was at the early stage that i contacted the GP, lied about our efforts and ha them performing every test that they had - the conclusion being that we could not conceive naturally.

Undetered, I knew that IVF would sort us out. Once they get some embryos in me, my body will take over and everything will be ok.

So we had one cycle. Then we had another cycle. Then we had another cycle. And another cycle. And another cycle.

The heart break, the disappointment, the frustration, the sadness, the isolation.It was never going to happen for us.

Then cycle 6 happened.