Somehow I have managed to keep the baby alive and she has just about near killed me. It has been such a relentless slog but all in all everything has been going really well.
I have always wanted to breastfeed and right from the moment she came into the world, she latched on to my boob and we haven't looked back. During the first few days my nipples scabbed over and it could be very painful at times, but once the scabs peeled off it quickly became painless and even pleasant. She had this habit of sucking them raw and just when I thought I couldn't take it any more, she'd do this flicking thing with her tongue that tickles in a very pleasant way. I think it was by about day 10 that it no longer hurt.
The thing that really surprised me is how I disregarded the guidelines and still have done very well with it. The one piece of advice I was given that was very helpful was to keep her back aligned with her head but the rest of it just seemed to over complicate things. All that stuff about the perfect latch and bringing the baby to boob was just a source of stress. I simply didn't have the arm strength to hold her, the pillows are a faff and my boobs are too big to not to have to heave them up towards her. I think it all boils down to your supply and resolve being sufficient and baby having the ability and being given the opportunity to figure it out in its own time.
I did intend on expressing and bottle feeding but that hasn't happened because I'm enjoying breastfeeding so much, even if it does have its drawbacks. Feeds every 1-3 hours 24/7 being the main issue I face for obvious reasons.
I have never experienced tiredness like this before and the biggest battle is with myself - willing my eyes to stay open, my mind to stay clear and my body to keep moving when all every shred of my being is screaming to collapse into a heap.
An average amount of sleep for me is 2-6 hours within any 24 hour period. That is broken sleep too and sometimes I don't even know if I've been asleep or not. All I know is that baby is stirring - again.
I sometimes manage an additional 2 hour nap during the day but I find it very hard to sleep unless I'm in complete silence and darkness. Needless to say after 29 days of exhaustion, the shine does start to tarnish on the perfect little family. James is starting to get on my nerves and even the baby has provoked a frustrated sigh out of me.
James started out very well. He made all my meals, went shopping, fetched all my things at a whim, washed all the clothes and kept the house fairly clean. He also gets 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.
Then he started asking to go on the PC and going out with his mates mountain biking and suddenly spending 1 hour in the kitchen per day, 2 hours shopping with a Starbucks break, maybe 30 mins cleaning, 30 mins sorting out the washing and passing me the remote when I dropped it didn't seem like much compared to my 24 hour slog with the baby.
I'm still trying to figure out how to divvy up the hours better but he seems to be using the breastfeeding as a get out of jail free card because only I can feed her and "she'll want it soon". If she ever cries he thinks it's boobie time and passes her to me and it mostly is but not all the time, and those times he should be taking her. It's getting to the point now where she just wants me for comfort because he's never been there for her when she's upset.
James is super defensive though. I have tried bringing it up with him and he is just adamant that he's doing loads and I'm not arguing that point... It's just not much compared to me. It's as if he interprets any suggestion of improvement as a critisism of his ability of being a good daddy.
He is a very good daddy though. The situation isn't his intention, he is very willing and able, but we've jointly created a bit of issue of me being the baby's sole provider of food and comfort.
I even do 95% of the nappy changes!
Actually though, the nappy changing is one of my favourite interactions with her. She's awake, alert and partially naked and I get to play and talk to her while checking that everything is clean and healthy.
She also gets to show a bit of her personality, which no surprise is that of a little sod. She loves nothing more than messing a fresh nappy, normally before it's even fastened! That results in poo being shot at me and urine making a beeline for her clothing. My record so far is five dirty nappies during one change!
Her poo was actually quite pleasant. It looked and smelled like liquid custard. I say was, because since she hit 3 weeks old it's turned orange and smells like rotten fish.
Since that time she has also gone from a very content baby to a little madam in the evenings. She's had some awful screaming fits recently and they are only just starting to fade and I think that hard winding and tummy massage has created most of the improvement.
At first they were shocking but once you realise that she isn't dying and it's just noise, I'm not bothered by it at all. All that bothers me is the timing of it, normally meal times and chill out time. Or sleep time! Oh, and of course her not being able to communicate what she's crying about.
I've been surprised at how quickly other women dealing with the same sort of issues have gone and grabbed a prescription medication. I feel very much in the minority for letting her suffer through it. It's as if crying is an illness. Actually being awake at all seems to be an illness too as I saw a lady chatting about their baby sleeping for several hours after a "carton" of (I assume) formula milk on facebook. All the other women were jumping at it.
I think it's all the fussing is just part of her development though as her digestive system matures and starts to produce acid, cultivate bacteria and create more gases.
As for her development, she is obviously very advanced. Seriously though, I'm amazed at some of the things she can do. She can hold her head up for several seconds and even sat up for a second or two just today. She can army crawl from my groin right up to my shoulder and when she gets to the top she rolls down my arm - it's crazy. In the last couple of days she has started focussing her eyes on objects too.
I think she's a bit lacking with her hands though. She can grip but she doesn't often. You know how some babies you can't get near to without them clamping a vice like grip around your finger, well she doesn't do that. I think it's probably my fault for keeping her in mitts all the time. The thing is that she is a scratcher and she enjoys clawing her own face. Even after I trim her nails, she leaves angry red marks everywhere.
Furthermore, she likes to suck. I ended up with a sucker. Her first choice being her fist and I don't want a thumb sucker. In spite of myself I've offered her my own finger and even a dummy but only for a few moments until she goes from hysterical to dozy. I haven't let her go to sleep sucking. I'm so scared of her always needing something to suck on. It's bad for her teeth, it's bad for her speech and rightly or wrongly it looks like lazy parenting.
She is growing very well though. Born at 7lb 15oz, dropping to 7lb 5oz on day 3, being 8lb on day 10 and then by day 17 being 8lb 9oz!
Other things to note is that a rotting belly button stump smells worse than you ever imagine and bf babies are very spotty.
As for parenting in general, it's fantastic. The sense of satisfaction and achievement from your child simply liking you is phenomenal. I've only just gone out with her for the first time yesterday and I've got a couple of other trips planned this week. It's a bit nerve wracking but the desire to escape the house far outweighs the fear sooner or later.
Be wary of how quickly they change and grow though. Every day I wake and hardly recognise her.
Regarding my physical state and recovery from pregnancy and labour, my stitches fell out about a week ago and I just stopped bleeding yesterday. So much for 9 months of no periods... You certainly make up for it!
I dropped 1 and a half stone since labour with another stone to lose and I've gone up two dress sizes from my pre pregnancy size *sigh*. No diets allowed for a breastfeeding mummy though.
My round tummy finally seems to be starting to deflate which is something I guess.
You'll be happy to know I'm also covered in stretchmarks. I've been chatting to some facebook pregnancy buddies and it seems some of us got them during or after labour. I think that I got mine during. It sounds crazy but she was really high right until the induction and there are no stretchmarks there and then during labour she would have suddenly dropped and I think she shredded me as she went. They're all over my lower gut and even amongst my pubic hair and they are huge and purple.
I haven't dared to look at my vagina yet but from washing it I can tell it feels very different. Where my vaginal entrance is, there was some skin that kind of stretched across a bit of it near my perrineum. Well, that's all completely gone and what used to feel like a hidden entrance now feels very much exposed and... larger.
I think that's about it.
I'm not sure how often I'm going to update my blog, maybe every month. I'm just not sure what I'd write about until I start my next treatment as I don't really like the idea of exposing specific information about my child to strangers as it seems to diminish how precious those moments are.
Sorry no labour story yet, i have a draft going but to be honest it seems more and more unimportant to recall it as time goes on. I'll get it done.
