Midwife Appointment - 37+2

It didn't occur to me as I arrived, but this was my very last appointment with the community midwife.

Once we was in through the door it proceeded rather briskly.

She made her usual offensive comments, normally about how pale I am but today was about how I didn't look so pale but it was probably a reflection of colour from my garishly bright top. She means the comments in good humour though so I take them as intended, or try to anyway. I did feel slightly prickly about having my clothing criticised because I'm more than aware that I dress more clown like since my proper clothes no longer fit and much preferred pretending no one would actually think the same.

Today was a disgusting blue leggings, fushia and white striped very generous and stretchy top and then an oversized red cardigan ensemble *sigh*.

Then she dipped my pee sample without even hinting at the results but I saw her writing NAD down which seems to mean its normal.

I'd noticed over her shoulder that the PC was displaying my previous blood results and there was lots of angry red exclamation marks. I asked what they were and she seemed slightly irritated at having to check through them and quickly remarked they were all just on the edge of being low but that's normal because my blood is diluted.

It was then up onto the bed and she did my blood pressure - normal, fundal height measurement - 38cm, doppler - 142bpm and then she proceeded to feel for engagement.

She asked me to breathe in deeply and then exhale and as I did so she poked around on my fatty bladder lump with a pinscher hand. She seemed to be trying to wiggle the head but her hand wasn't open enough to actually accommodate the whole head. It really really hurt, kind of like a fresh bruise but there was something bone bending about it.

The conclusion was that I'm doing very well, baby is doing a lot of growing and she thinks that she is engaged, by how much she didn't say.

She asked how the doula was doing (???) so I told her she was fine but didn't seem keen on the induction which prompted her to ask me how I felt about induction. I simply said that I'd feel better her not being overdue.

I was glad that she remembered that she'd promised me some sweeps and with my consultation being on the 7th Jan and induction hopefully on the 16th, she suggested a sweep on the 11th and on the 13th.

I suggested that perhaps we could squeeze a third sweep in but she was very adamant that it was a bad idea because I might become very sore and if two sweeps didn't work that no number of sweeps would work.

So, two sweeps it is.

She pointed out that she wouldn't be doing sweeps herself because she's on annual leave and it dawned on me that I probably wouldn't see her again. I asked if she'd do any postnatal appointments but it seemed it wasn't typical.

It was a bit weird. Not that I'm particularly attached to her, but I kind of expected that there would be some kind of follow through but nope. That's that.

37 Weeks Pregnant

So here we are! Full term! 37 weeks!

We are now at the stage where I could go into labour and baby could come at any time and there wouldn't be any emergency, no justified panic or worrying.

If I was so inclined, when labour kicked off I could just stay in front of the TV and continue to make my way through my CSI box set until the baby painlessly and effortlessly popped out.

To be honest, I was expecting a bit more of a sense of achievement but instead I simply feel a bit bewildered.

I'm waiting for something to happen but I don't know when or where or even how to recognise it. What will it feel like? How quickly will it happen? How will we cope? Will everything be ok?

I've read about it and I've been told about it, but if all these sources agree on one point it's how individual it is and not just for each person but for each separate pregnancy. There is no way of knowing anything about it except that it'll result in me being a mummy, James being a daddy and our little girl will be safely in our arms.

In a way the inevitability helps me to relax but in another way I'm a bit anxious. Very, actually. Not about the whole thing, just the start.

Pregnancy wise I'm feeling very good emotionally and physically. I've been very lucky, apparently. I always think a certain amount of it comes down to perspective though, I do tend to be happy go lucky and others do tend to see the worst and that can be reflected in how good or bad someone feels on a day to day basis.

I mean, I'm sure some ladies really do genuinely suffer but sometimes you just know which people will suffer because of how they are normally.

My blood pressure is always good, I saw the chiropractor today and she did my BP and said it was as good as it could be for someone of my age when they aren't pregnant so to have such a good reading and be 37 weeks pregnant was amazing.

I have a friend who is one day behind me, the one I met at yoga and do all these pregnancy exercises with, and sadly over Christmas her hands and feet have swollen and BP risen practically overnight, so it is a worry. You just never know.

The chiropractor also fiddled with my pelvis and things and even showed James some moves to help relieve joint and muscle aches during labour. In fact she did this thing to me while I was leaning over a ball and it felt fantastic! She kind of lowered one side of my pelvis towards the floor which seemed to make my whole spine feel loose and then massaged the the raised sided of my pelvis and back. If James can nail that one, I'm sorted!

My hair is still on the dry side so requires washing once a week at the very most and then needs deep conditioning. Ideally, I think it'd go two weeks to retain more natural moisture but I'd feel a bit self conscious about that.

Skin is mostly nice, but I can feel a couple of blocked pores trying to establish themselves and tempt me into picking them but I know I must not because if I do, the resulting red marks will linger into my new mummy photos.

Boobs are soft and not sore at all. I guess I was expecting them to be a bit swollen and tender by now. I try not to poke them too much so haven't seen any juice coming out of them for a while but I'm confident that I could get some by practising what the midwife showed me to try and stimulate labour.

My appitite is still poor (for me). I do eat but it's out of habit rather than hunger and when I do eat its quite an average portion and I haven't been snacking. I really don't understand how this is supposed to be the peak of gorging tendancies for pregnant women when I hardly have room to inhale, nevermind scoff!

It was still a surprise when I weighed myself today after "christmas week" and found that I'd lost 2lbs! How?!?!?! That puts me back to a 28lb aka 2 stone weight gain by full term.

Hmm, what else....

Oh, the pain. The agonising pain.

Night time is quickly turning into a bit of a nightmare.

I get *the* worst dead legs ever. My entire legs go into spasm if I move them a certain way and I have to scream at James to help straighten my legs to relieve them.

Then, little miss has also taken a liking to my right rib cage. She tucks herself up there and I literally can't bend due to a combination of chewing tinfoil twinges and fearing that I'll squish her.

Just last night, I woke up at god knows what time desparately needing a wee. She was under my ribs so I was trying to stand up without bending and my whole abdomen and thighs started spasming. All I could do was breathe through the pain and try again, which just triggered the same response. It was awful and I ended up waking James up with my intense whimpers and he thought I was in labour! I think he was relieved though when I told him I was going to wet the bed if he didn't help me up NOW!

The only other thing that I can think to mention is that I suddenly feel very flabby. It's hard to think that she has maybe dropped considering all the rib action, but I have definitely gone very soft on my tummy. I haven't been able to pinch an inch for a long long time and now I suddenly can again. It's quite depressing actually.

I think that's it for 37 weeks.

Christmas Blues - 26/12/13

It's 4am and I'm awake and I'm feeling really quite sad and anxious.

Christmas Day was nice, opening presents before heading off to the inlaws for a pleasant lunch and returning home to feed the dogs and watch Only Fools and Horses before bed, but with hindsight I wish we'd stayed at home.

I didn't find the day very festive. I didn't find it very intimate and in the scheme of things it'll be an easy one to forget.

I longed for my house and my doggies and my Jamesy.

None of this occurred to me at the time so it's not as if I was moping but with Christmas Day being behind us now, all that remains is to look forward and I'm freaking out a little bit.

Part of me impatiently wants her out now, just so I know that she is safe.

Part of me is frustrated and anxious about all the things I need to do. There are things to do around the house, preparations for her arrival and preparations for the short term future which are all neglected and for no good reason.

Part of me is scared about labour. Perhaps to be expected but I get some very sharp pains randomly and even though they don't feel like how I'd expect labour pains to feel like, I'm wondering if my pain thresh hold and coping mechanisms are quite what I thought. I catch myself not breathing through them, for example, which I know is a big no no.

Part of me, most surprisingly, is sad that pregnancy will soon be over. I know, I know. I've been so dismissive of pregnancy being anything to cling to compared to actually having a baby in your arms but I'm feeling a little bit like my baby is about to graduate into a new stage in her life in which my role is already being minimised.

For these past 35 weeks that she's been inside me, I've been her life force. She breathes because I breathe, eats because I eat, grows because I grow.

Once she is out, her life is opened up to participation and influence from everyone else and I'll never get her back.

It's not about the pregnancy. It's about a mummy wanting her baby all to herself, forever. She's already grown so much so quickly.

So here I am, lying on the hallway floor with my ever loyal dog, crying into my iPad on the very early hours of Boxing Day.

Getting Groomed For Baby - 24/12/13

I suppose most people spend Christmas Eve doing Christmasy type stuff like meeting friends, food preparation, last minute shopping, etc.

Me? I went to the hairdressers for a "pamper".

It started off nice enough with a cut and blow, just taking the dry ends off. I like the girl that does my hair and because I'm not one of those people who go regularly - more like every 6 months than 6 weeks - she was amazed by my bump. I assumed that she was sick of talking about Christmas so it seemed like a welcome distraction to her and we chatted about kids and family and things instead.

The odd thing was that she exclaimed how tiny my bump was. That was the exact word she used "tiny". She is very tiny herself, about 5 foot tall and I'd guess a size 6 but not boney, so I would have thought that she in particular would regard my bump as super huge with it being about four or five of her tiny tummy.

Of course, I was slightly offended. It turns out that you just can't win when it comes to commenting on bumps... Huge is harsh. Tiny is harsh. Average is harsh. I would advise people that the only way to win would be to comment on what a beautiful neat shape it is, I always like hearing that.

So, I got my hair done (it's looks exactly the same) and then it was time for the second installment of the grooming session... A full body wax.

You would have been mistaken if you assumed that my trip to the local salon was for Christmas. I'm here to get spruced up for when baby arrives.

Technically she could come at any moment from here on out, but she'll definitely be here within the next 26 days anyway!

Personal grooming is a sticky issue when it comes to having a baby and ladies seem to be divided on whether it is necessary or not. I personally have no idea why anyone would risk going in with monkey legs, man pits and an untamed bush. 

Yes, the baby doesn't care and yes, the midwife has seen it all and much worse but c'mon! If the person who only gets her hair cut biannually and is extremely familiar with intimate examinations feels it's necessary - it's necessary! I'm having a baby. I'm going to lose control of many if not all of my bodily functions but I am NOT prepared to allow people to think that I had no dignity to lose in the first place nor to regain afterwards. I do.

So yes, a full body wax was in order. I can't shave without risking my labia and I can't use Veet without risking some third degree chemical burns, or else I would have opted for those.

The general consensus regarding waxing? The it really fucking hurts. The general consensus regarding waxing during pregnancy? That it really really really fucking hurts.

I admittedly was very scared. Full leg, bikini, underarms and eyebrows.

The girl that was doing it gushed how huge my bump was (bitch) and before I knew it I was covered in wax and having the flesh ripped from my bones. Actually my legs didn't hurt that much, kind of a 3 out of 10.

We were chatting away and she was a really nice girl. I innocently asked her if she had kids and she openly started telling me about a termination and miscarriage that she'd suffered. The termination was a result of the baby having a very thick band of fluid behind its neck at 12 weeks that actually extended around the back of its head and down it's back. She was told that it was a very grim prognosis and that was that. The she lost another with no heartbeat detected. She had since been ttc for 2 years without a pregnancy.

This was without her even knowing that I'd had IVF so I found her openness refreshing. You ask a simple question and someone feels that they have something to tell you about themselves that they really didn't have to. I don't believe for a second that she doesn't tell everyone who asks the same thing, but it's always welcome to me when someone is actively putting themselves out there. It's how things are put into perspective and overcome.

As it turned out today she told me and I wasted no time in finding out her background and history and things and before I left she'd decided upon her New Years resolution - going back to the GP!

Unfortunately my interest in her situation wasn't enough to distract me from her doing my bikini wax. That was more like a 7 out of 10, it really did sting. My whole body had tensed and I had to concentrate really hard on remembering to breathe.

She was a funny one and suggested it was preparation for labour. Holy cow I hope not!  Perhaps that could be on par with an episiotomy? I have no idea, but there was a sudden sharp cutting sensation about it.

Armpits were fine and eyebrows were fine. All in all I don't think it hurt any more than it would do if I wasn't pregnant.

Several hours later and I'm red and sore in my groin. I've applied copious amounts of Savlon cream and I just hope the sting has gone by tomorrow morning.

I'm not even that smooth really. Well, my bikini is, but my legs still feel a little stubbly in places so if it grows back over the next few days I'll have to go back.

36 Weeks Pregnant

Ok, so a day late. It's that time of year I guess, simply not enough hours in the day.

If I was to tell you that I'm not bricking it a little bit that I have a week until the baby can reasonably be expected to drop anytime, I'd be lying.

I am starting to lose my resolve a little and I've even started having bad dreams related to going into labour and everyone around me, not loved ones but actual medical professionals, acting confused and panicked like that don't know what to do with me.

I think it's an expression of my trust issues where I assume everyone is incompetent unless they prove themselves to be otherwise.

Waking up from a bad dream makes me very anxious to feel her moving which of course she refused to do.

Plus I need to get more organised and do what I know I'm supposed to... like packing a hospital bag, finishing the nursery and at least having some idea of how the breast pump actually works.

I showed my dad my nursery yesterday and he actually looked disappointed! 

"Where is the mobile?" "Ummmm I'm making my own and that pile of crap on the floor is it so far." 

"I thought you were putting things on the walls" "Errrr yeah, I've drawn them out but need to paint them"

"Do you like the going home outfit we've picked?" "How big do you think she'll be?!"

I showed him the lampshade that I bought that I LOVE and he asked how I'm going to manage cleaning it because it's very textural.

He's not normally such a pain in the arse! I won't make an "ungrateful" comment about how my bedroom was decorated as a child, but I felt like having a teenage tantrum at him! Unfortunately his attitude is pretty typical of everyone though.

I don't understand why, but new parents to be seem to be the target of preference for anyone who already has children. They like to point out all your short comings and crush any hint of optimism and naivety.

Maybe it's because they are insecure of their own parental failings so they cope by imprinting the same failings on any parents to be. Of course the wrongs they committed are totally unavoidable and it's not that they were just not as good at the parent thing.

My dad is a wonderful dad. His decorating, however, was always half finished. See the connection with him giving me grief over my nursery?

Other people are the exact same and the big belly is an open invitation to gauge my thoughts on being a parents and them proceeding to put me down.

I tell them I'm breastfeeding with a smile on my face, which obviously provokes them into telling me how hard it is and how sore I'll get and how formula isn't as bad as they say it is.

I tell them what little projects I have to finish once the baby arrives and they start on about how I won't even have time to sleep, shit and shower nevermind doing any bloody projects!

I tell them I'll be using cloth nappies and I get all the tales about shit up the walls, shit up their backs, shit down their legs, exploding shits, liquid shits, green shits. Oh and how much laundry there already is and all those cloth nappies will just be too much to handle. They've never actually used cloth nappies of course.

All I learn from such conversations is where they feel that they completely fucked up or could be perceived as not having done good enough. It's really all about them. They pre-emptively attack before being attacked and we can't even defend ourselves because we don't have any experience to back it up with.

Stuff them. I'm going to be the most well rested, breastfeeding, landfill reducing mofo they've ever seen! And I will get the sodding nusery done too!

So ner.

What else this week... Oh rib pain. I'm willing her to drop because she is so far up in my chest still that it's getting very uncomfortable. I can't do hills without losing my breath quickly and I can practically see her bum cheeks when she tries to push herself outwards to create more space.

She is definitely running out of space in there.

Weight wise, another 2lbs this week to bring me up to a total of 30lbs to date. I know I'm overheating a bit too much of the bad stuff. I've been told that I'm all baby and the rest of me looks the same but I know better. 

Well, bedtime. Have a nice Xmas everyone xx

The Teddy Bear

Walking through the town one day, a day that feels like a lifetime ago, I spotted an unfamiliar shop in a familiar part of town. I hadn't noticed this shop before but I had the impression that it had been there a very long time.

Looking into the window, hundreds of faces looked back towards me. Black eyes. Brown noses. Some peaceful, some mourning, some looking rather perplexed.

Then there was one little guy at the front. His expression was one of hope.

He appeared scruffy and worn, yet he eyes told of a deep optimism that things could only get better.

He held a key around his neck, what it might open who knows, and was finished with a grossly oversized ribbon tied into a bow. A victim of a design choice that betrayed his proud integrity.

He drew my attention and held it for a several moments as I studied him before carrying on with my journey.

I'd return on several occasions over the coming months and years, peering in through the window at him. He was so captivating and yet I had no purpose for him. He'd be wasted if I was to offer him a home and denied that which he must be destined to have, a higher purpose in life.

Last night again I passed for the first time in many months and I noticed that he had been moved from his usual spot. I felt that I needed to see him better but it was late and the door was locked.

So I returned today.

I wasn't alone either, I'd brought James along with me. He'd never noticed the shop before and I introduced him to my little friend and he seemed underwhelmed.

He became further uninterested when we examined the price - £155!

We looked around and there were others who seemed nice, but they just weren't the same to me.

As we went to leave I asked if there would be others if he was sold and she replied that there wasn't anymore to have. He was special.

I had to hold him and as she passed him to me his fur was cool and soft. He was heavier than I imagined and had a very good posture. I had to resist holding him tightly against myself and instead begrudgingly handed him back.

We left the shop and we walked away but I knew that in that moment I had fallen deeply in love with him and the thought of him possibly not being there when I returned was torture.

What could I do though? What place could he have in my life?

And then James suggested that we got him for our little girl and suddenly it made perfect sense.

His patience, his knowing gaze, his higher purpose. It was only a matter of time before the wrongs in the world were righted and he'd be able to fulfill his duty. That time is now.

He's going to be a very significant figure in my daughters life. He's going to be her teddy bear.

Midwife Appointment - 35+2

Had my midwife appointment today and am starting to get that feel of familiarity with her. She's nice.

There was a student midwife there too who looked sweet, if uncomfortable. She was on her first placement apparently.

As I walked in she took the pee sample and handed it to the student to dip. It was clear which was a relief after the protein in it recently. She told me she'd be taking my blood count too just for routine and not because I look pale, because I always do! The cheek! There will come a time people comment on my wrinkle free complexion and then it'll be my turn to mock.

She was keen to know if baby had turned and she was amazed that she had, but I offered her my suspicion that perhaps she stopped being breech right after my 26 week scan. She still thought it was very unusual with her legs being described as extended that she could turn.

I told her about my consultant appointment and planned induction and she asked me how I felt about it. I don't really feel anything about it. I'm still able to be niave about my chances of coaxing her out (or into a very favourable situation) before the induction and I'm also niave about how induction will be managed and progress.

She made it clear that a csection would occur if induction didn't work within the allotted timeframe but she was supportive of getting her out in advance. She told me that I must get the consultant to write in my notes that the community midwife can perform a sweep for me and although they are only allowed to do one attempt, she talked about fitting me in for a couple.

She also talked about hand expressing in the run up to induction. I'm unsure whether it was in relation to getting her out before the induction or due to the unnatural nature of induction/csec or perhaps both, but she thought it was very important and would ensure a better milk supply. 

She made a generalisation that women who conceive via IVF have a harder time with milk production because conception is unnatural but admitted it was just a speculation of hers. I think it's bullshit personally, or at least a result of the reasons for needing IVF or higher induction and csec rates with IVF and not because it's an extension of the artificial nature of the conception.

So then it was up on the bed and the student did my blood pressure. I've never understood the reading so when she asked the midwife to check it I thought something was wrong but it wasn't. It was normal.

Then it was belly out and the student measured my bump which came back at 35 - weeks or cm I don't know. The midwife said fine.

The student then used the doppler and got a heart rate of 136, so it's starting to slow a little as expected I think.

I warned them she was very active but they still squee'd as they poked around and she gave them a good thrashing as if it had never happened before. They both felt for her position and pointed out her foot to me and she karate kicked them in response. I'm sure she was trying to be helpful but just like me she tends to go about it like a bull in a china shop lol

The the midwife came over to check her engagement and she felt me very low indeed, I'm sure my natural hair colour was on show at this point. She kind had her hand in a pinscher shape and held the head and wiggled it side to side. It was really quite uncomfortable, like she was poking a fresh bruise, and she said the head wasn't engaged quite yet because she could wiggle it. Not much she added, but it wasn't locked in place yet.

I was a little disappointed but not much. I just felt I wanted her to be engaging for some reason, probably because of the induction talk.

She expertly took my blood from my non-existent veins while James looked away and then it was back into my chair.

More giggles erupted as my belly continued to visibly bounce around. There was lots of awwww's from the midwife and student and pride from daddy. It might seem cute, but it knew that my little girl was majorly pissed. She's so funny.

Then it was a case of asking if I had any more questions, yes I did but typically my mind failed me.

I wanted to asked her about feeling like I've been kicked in the crotch but forgot, although it has suddenly got much worse since she checked baby's engagement so I'm thinking it must just be linked to that kind of movement on my pelvis.

She made me another appointment for 37 and sent us on our way.

35 Weeks Pregnant

Ok, it's not funny anymore, time is going stupidly quickly.

I cannot believe I'm another week down! I haven't made a single bit of progress on anything all week, the panic to box tick is still in effect but the motivation is at an all time low.

I'm not even particularly tired or in pain, I just can not be arsed.

I think that I've started adopting a "everything will be fine" mantra for the upcoming labour and motherhood and things and it's rubbing off on all aspects. It will be fine if people don't get Xmas cards before Xmas. It will be fine if the nursery walls aren't finished. It will be fine if my hospital bag isn't packed until I'm heading into hospital.

Will it?! I dunno.

All I do know is that I'm not letting anything or anyone distract me from the excitement and anticipation of being a mummy, and all those who attempt to can do one. I have a zero tolerance for any source of drama and omg there has been a couple of those this week!

It never ceases to amaze me how people envision themselves to be all moral and righteous, but always reveal themselves as being nothing more than conceited and pompous as soon as they open their mouths.

Urgh, I'm not even getting into it. It might be a right nobby thing to say, but I have more important things to deal with! I'm going to have a child, I can no longer participate in classroom antics myself.

Belly-wise, it's still delicious. I love how my bump looks, lovely and round. And big! I bought these dresses from Tesco in the sale (so about £5 each) and they are just up and down dresses made out of elasticated material, nothing special, but they make my bump look fantastic!!! 

I got them in a size bigger than pre-pregnancy and I can see people's eyes being drawn right to my belly and having an expression that makes me think that they're a bit nervous I could cause a slip hazard at any moment lol

Even my yoga friend, who is actually more like my swimming friend now but whatever, commented on my dress. I looked at her in her pants and top combo and even though her bump is just as big, it didn't look that way and I think it bothered her mwhahaha ;)

Oh I did have a bit of a pregnancy related drama. At my consultation they spotted protein+ in my urine but dismissed it pretty much but then a couple of days later I wiped green which made me worry about the infection so I went straight to the GP to get my urine done again. Well, I mainly just wanted some specific advice on which over the counter stuff to use but they redid my urine. It came back protein trace so again it was dismissed and they told me to simply drink more.

I guess I have been slacking a bit on the water but it's so hard to drink when you have a gut full of baby and you know that within 10 minutes of drinking a decent amout of water that you'll be needing to pee every 5 minutes for the next hour.

I've been keeping on top of it though. Its so much fun needing James to stop at every single petrol station with a loo (ick) when we're out and getting up 15 times a night but needs must I suppose.

I'm in a bit of a losing battle with my aches and pains too. I have a choice of having a bad back from sitting on my ball all day (I thought they were supposed to be great at aligning your back too) or I can support my back but get an extremely sore coccyx from sitting in my chair.

I do have an exciting new symptom which is the sensation of being kicked in the crotch. It's like someone literally booted me and I am left with the lingering bruised feeling in my lady lips and in the fatty bit at the top.

I was hoping maybe it was related to engagement, but a google search has a few ladies who have experienced it but some much earlier in pregnancy. 

Plus baby is still quite high up, well I say high up but she's been very wiggly today and she does feel different. She's normally on the left but she feels more on the right now.

Gosh she's big. Thinking back to how weird it was imagining this thing growing inside my belly, it doesn't compare to trying to get my head around this fully formed baby who is totally capable of surviving outside residing in my belly.

I've come to see her as a scuba diver.

Forgot to do my weight today, but I'll throw it up tomorrow with a pic of me in my cheapo belly dress.

Ultrasound and Consultant - 34+3

I had my scan and consultation today which was supposed to be at 32 weeks but they couldn't get me in until today.

I'd been anticipating this appointment for a while due to thinking that my baby was breech which would have meant I would have had a lot of things to discuss, but with baby no longer being breech I was feeling a bit meh about it.

So I get called in for my ultrasound, surprisingly by a male tech. I don't really understand men opting into careers that really require a women's perspective, so I was a bit put off and if I was braver I might have asked for a female one.

Instead I got on the bed and exposed my tummy, at which point he looked away and threw some tissue in my direction for me to tuck into my waistband - a job normally done by the tech themselves.

Instantly I felt very awkward and he went on to explain that he always does his ultrasounds with the women facing the bed height screen, even if there is a wall screen (which there wasn't today).

He started the scan and immediately his arm was completely blocking my view! Annoyingly I then realised that James wasn't even recording it today! He later explained that it's no fun watching it through a phone camera - pfft.

I tried to shuffle up the bed which he assumed was due to discomfort so I told him I couldn't see anything. He said he'd keep his arm as low as possible but that lasted about 2 minutes.

So peeking at the screen from under his armpit, I saw her heart beat and everything else. Her legs, her ribs, her profile zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm so over ultrasounds.

He even took the measurements differently. Instead of finding a good view and taking the lines as exactly to the edge as possible, he put it roughly at the edges several times and averaged it out. It might have been more accurate if he wasn't working from the same paused cross section.

Head slightly over average (sigh) and same for her belly, but then her legs seemed to come up really short in comparison. On the screen they came in at 31-33 weeks but then miraculously in my notes it said 34 weeks, so I'm a bit worried about that.

We wanted pics so I suggested taking them of her hands and feet... No, let's get some more crappy profile pics that show nothing because she's so huge now. They were so crap that we got them for free too. James seemed to be starting to worry that her nose is very wide, but that's my fault really because I thought it seemed like a huge nose on our 3d scan although it's very similar to James nose is what I meant lol

James doesn't have a particularly wide nose, but mine is narrow in comparison.

Anyway, so that was that and it was off to wait to see the consultant. I didn't know if it would be my last consultant appointment before I gave birth so I was keen to see the head guy but on the board it stated "not in clinic" which was just marvelous.

We were called in after about 30 mins and it was yet another never seen before consultant. She was a stocky Indian women that I'd place in her late 40's and she seemed like a bit of a no nonsense kind of person which I like.

I handed over my pee sample and then she looked over my notes and assured me that everything was fine with the baby. I went over to the bed for my blood pressure reading and as the nurse came over she stated to the consultant that I had "protein+" in my urine. I asked the nurse what that meant and she started to reply but the consultant cut other off and told me that it meant maybe an infection so the sample would be sent off but they wouldn't prescribe antibiotics anyway. Apparently it came mean pre eclampsia but my blood pressure came back normal. I thought maybe it was diabetes related but it isn't.

Dr Google says that it could simply be an indication that my kidneys are working hard which is normal during pregnancy, so I'm going to try looking after my kidneys a bit more by drinking plenty of water and things. I have been feeling thirsty. 

I sat back down and the consultant started talking about due date and things and I was expecting her to pretty much discharge me but instead she said something about me still being on Clexane meaning I should be conscious of trying to not have taken a dose for 24 hours before active labour due to bleeding risk and that she'd have me in again to discuss my options regarding induction.

I expressed surprise and said that I was hoping not to go over 40 weeks so she said she'd have me in to see a consultant again at 39 weeks.

It was a bit scary to be honest. I felt like I was already being admitted for an induction and it really hit home that I'm on the final stretch of the pregnancy. The next milestone is labour.

34 Weeks Pregnant, cont.

Urrrrrrrrghhh.

Really shouldn't have inhaled a large milkshake (and a cheeseburger) like that. 

Now the baby is pissed that I'm not in bed already and I'm polluting her with high sugar crap so I'm suffering with lots of karate kicks to all my sore zones. You'd think she'd be grateful but she's definitely a chocolate lover.

It wasn't banana flavoured enough either. I wanted it strong.

My muslins are out of the drier now, all shrivelled up. Then I dropped them on the floor... I'm not washing them again though. If baby is going to live here, she has to get used to the high level of filth that we encourage as a natural way of keeping our immune system strong. And as a way of getting out of mopping.

Where was I anyway? Oh pregnancy stuff.

I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said I'm not having any cravings, but the truth is that I'm not. Really. I think when you haven't had something with a distinct taste that you enjoy for yonks and someone mentions it, that you'd be chomping at the bit to get your hands on it pregnancy or not. 

I'm more suffering with foods I don't like. Well, I like them normally but I'm pretty fussy. Still off vegetables in their whole or mashed form. They have to be silky smooth or in a soup, but even then sweet veg like carrots don't get tolerated.

My back is killing me, really uncomfortable all day long and it's making me a bit snappy.

Still loving my bump.

Oh, my face is a bit dry.

That's it really. My weight is up a pound and a bit but not bothered about that.

34 Weeks Pregnant

Holy crap.

Did you know that I only have 21 days until I'm full term?!

The ladies in my pregnancy buddy groups are actually having their babies. I mean, they are actually no longer pregnant and instead have a baby in their arms. No, honestly! I'm not shitting you, they are really doing the whole labour thing.

It's getting to that point where I'm feeling a bit stressed about it all, not the having a baby part - bring it on!!! I say - but the whole ticking boxes part. 

I've just grabed all my muslins, changing mat covers, flannels and towels and started washing them. It broke my heart a little to take them out of their little neat packages but apparently it's very important to pre wash everything.

I can only assume this advice is sponsored by companies that sell baby fabrics so that you can no longer return them.

I got most of mine from John Lewis, I loooooooove JL, but even they might be pushed to take the items back seeing not only have I washed them but I've painstakingly removed all the labels too. You know it makes me wonder... Should they advertise items as being 100% cotton if they go and stick a plastic label on it?

I've still got a lot of other things to do too. I need to sort out my nappy stash and pack my hospital bag and paint the nursery decoration. In fact I think I need some shelves in the nursery too. Not to mention all the boxes and dividers required to organise all the baby stuff.

Then there is the Christmas stuff too! I've already got two cards so I really need to pull my finger out.

I'm thinking licking and sticking tomorrow and then post office and Ikea on Monday.

Some really evil bitch, well she isn't really at all actually, just suggested her thing being banana milkshake and now I'm chewing my arm off trying to figure out where I can find a banana milkshake at 10:30pm when it's a 30 min drive to the nearest McDs and Tesco. It'd be sooooooooo gooooooooood though.

Pregnancy wise - oh fuck it, I'm going to McDs now.

NCT Breastfeeding Class - 33+5

Yesterday we went to an extra NCT class, making it two for this week, and it covered breastfeeding and nothing else. It wasn't the usual tutor but an actual midwife who is also based my hospital which i felt was nice to be able to see her and dispel any preconceptions and fears I have about midwives.

Not that I assume that they are monsters or anything, but they have a very important role in a once in a lifetime event (you can't give birth to the same child twice) and they are selected randomly and like or loathe them you are pretty much stuck with them.

So, I was probably looking forward to the class more for the midwife than for the breastfeeding.

Skipping past the part where we turned up on a freezing cold and wet evening to find ourselves locked out of the hospital, we all eventually made our way into the usual room for the classes.

Looking around the classroom, there was a distinct lack of men. One couple were absent and then two partners were absent. James was kicking himself for not having managed to worm himself out of it suddenly fearing he was going to have a rubber breast strapped to himself, but I assure him that it was very important for him to be there so that he can be supportive and constructive when me and the baby are bawling in unison at 3am because breastfeeding is just not working and we don't know why.

The midwife was nice. Was she my kind of person? I'm not sure, probably not really. Could I live with her being the midwife on duty when I'm in labour? Yes... Maybe.

She spoke very sweetly, you know that voice you put on when you are trying to coax someone and you sound a bit like a baby? Well that one. She used that as her default voice but every so often she'd forget herself and the contrast between her cutesy voice and smile and her concentrating voice and expression was pretty stark. It made her a bit Jekyll and Hyde and I'm not sure I like that inconsistency,  not knowing which you're going to get.

As for the breastfeeding stuff, admittedly I felt that I pretty much had it sorted already and knew the general idea and it would just work itself out eventually if I kept at it. WRONG! 

I feel a million times better about having gone to the class. In fact it really opened my eyes about the how's and whys and I can spot all the people who should have gone to a class just like this and didn't! Their breastfeeding stresses and woes that actually worried me sometimes seem a bit "duh" now.

We looked at the baby's stomach size, that was actually represented by a marble for the first few days. Not a giant marble, but the standard size ones... Tiny!

We talked about the consistancy and colour of the milk and how to position the baby.

The most important thing was the latch of course and to demonstrate she pulled out a knitted boob and a hand puppet lol 

She was basically saying that if your nipples hurt or sting that your latch is wrong to some degree and creams shouldn't ever be necessary if you're doing it right. A dab of breastmilk will  sufficiently moisturise.

There was lots of other breastfeeding stuff covered too and she even assured me that my own plans for breastfeeding, which have been complicated by James wanting to do night feeds asap and also by us wanting to try for a sibling asap, were perfectly doable.

I did manage to get some information out of her about the hospital that I found reassuring. Just things like immediate skin to skin is now standard and they've moved away from medical labours.

At the end she gave us some literature to read and also explained how she isn't actually employed by the hospital but by some independant regulatory body that acts as a go between for mum and medical staff, so basically if I have any disagreements about what the medical professionals are trying to decide for me I can just phone them up and they will act as an intermediate to either argue my side to the hospital or explain the whys to me.

I didn't know such a thing existed so I'm very happy to have the 24/7 number.

Ouchie Cramp - 33+3

I had an awful cramp today and I even feared that it was an actual proper contraction, more because of the pain rather than the sensation.

I've had Braxton Hicks several times most days in phases. I went through a phase of having them often and then it had died down a bit and then these last couple of days I've noticed one every now and then.

Well, when it say notice, it's not a sensation of any sort. I just happen to notice that my bump has tightened up.

Anyway, today I've been feeling a bit tender in my tummy. Am I due another growth spirt? Was it the kebab last night? Was it the aqua fitness? Who knows. It could be any of these things.

So I went to the toilet just for a wee and as I sat down I kind of hunched forward and suddenly my tummy went really tight but it was really painful and crampy too.

When I say really painful, I mean it was kind of like a period pain and gas pains and a pulled muscle pain all at the same time. Not that I was doubled over. It was probably more scary than painful, but it ached and it continued for the entire time that it took for me to go downstairs and tell James all about it and pace around the kitchen for a while.

I'd say maybe it lasted... Oh I dunno. Perhaps 2 or 3 minutes.

Once it faded, I was left with a lingering awareness of the tender tummy. I hadn't really noticed it before the cramp.

James seemed to start fretting that it might mean baby wants out but I assured him it was just a one off nothing so then he started fretting that maybe has turned because that is supposed to hurt. I tried to reassure him again but he was set on it meaning something as per usual. I really feel like I can't say anything to him sometimes without me having to support HIM through it.

Since, my tummy has also felt harder and when I went to NCT tonight the first thing the tutor said was that my tummy had changed shape. I was very out front and up high.

I mentioned the cramp expecting her to play it down but she didn't really acknowledge it and then said, "oh well I hope you don't get any more cramps like that" which made it sound like she thought it sounded like a proper contraction.

I don't feel particularly bothered by it, although the thought of experiencing similar or possibly worse cramps at regular intervals for several hours during labour is a bit intimidating.