Doppler Heartbeat - 15+3

As i've already mentioned, my sister in law had offered to lend me her doppler. I refused, but i did accept using it once at the inlaws house.

I received word yesterday that she had dropped it off at the inlaws house and we arranged to go and visit today so we turned up at about 10am.

I didn't feel in a rush to use it and time passed with the usual topics of conversation, including the sad departure of James' granny, until unexpectedly my sister in law turned up.

Things seemed a bit cool between us at first but i really am starting to warm to her, especially since her kind interest in my pregnancy, and yet when she turned up today i suddenly felt a bit pressured regarding the doppler. It was a bit like i had an audience. The inlaws were showing more interest too and even encouraging me to take the device home to keep for a while, to which i replied i just know myself and that i'll be using it all the time.

SIL admitted that she had done just that during her first pregnancy and while i don't think there is anything particularly wrong with that (expect possibly upsetting baby), i feel that my mind would always be thinking about the next time i'd use the doppler.

Fortunately during SIL giving me instructions she suggested that i should lie down to use the doppler so when the time came we retreated to the privacy of a bedroom upstairs.

I didn't feel particularly nervous or anything because i seemed to have developed an ability to remind myself that nothing going wrong means that everything is alright and actuall believe it!

So i pull my pants down and get onto the bed and pass James the camcorder to capture the special moment. I put a few dollops of gel in random low places on my stomach and start moving it around and around and around and except for an extremely brief rapid heartbeat that didn't display a BPM (beats per minute) and a couple of 70's which must have been mine - nothing!

I kept on trying, becoming increasingly frustrated while James started to look increasingly concerned. I think about 20 minutes must have passed and i just wanted to smash the doppler into tiny pieces.

Instead i gave the doppler to James and challenged him to do a better job.

Of course, he did.

Within a couple of minutes he found the heartbeat and it was so clear and enduring. Where the fuck was the camera?!?!?!

So, camera in my hand, he attempted to find it again and although it took longer he did eventually manage to pick it up and hold onto it for long enough for the BPM to be picked up and it was 150.

That is apparently slap bang in the middle of the normal range of 120-180.

I wish it was as magical a moment as i'd anticipated but to be honest it was a bloody nightmare and i feel completely validated in my decision not to hold onto it for a while.

Dopplers are shit. It was a good one too!

Yes, baby is alive, but it was so stressful and i figured he was alive anyway. I'd even suggst anyone with concerns goes for an ultrasound of even to the midwife for a doppler scan. I would not recommend DIY dopplers at all.

Anyway, so here is the baby's heartbeat!

https://vimeo.com/71358253

It was a movie but i turned it into an audio file to which James added some diabolically crap text graphic. Unfortunately due to me holding the camera in the end, instead of seeing my bump you'd get an eye full of my hairy black knickers (how the dog hair gets there i don't know!) and my thunder thighs (give me a break, i'm 5'2 with a 6' appetite) and at one point i'm pretty sure i can make out a huge varicose vein that i didn't even know was there!

15 Weeks Pregnant

It's starting to feel like we're hitting the high numbers but at the same time I feel as if I'm digressing into the paranoia I suffered in the early weeks.

It has been 3 weeks or so since our last scan and the only indication I have that everything is ok with baby is my ever increasing weight and my favourite time of the day first thing in the morning when there is a distinct hump just below my belly button.

The hump also tends to distort my gut as it leans to the side that I've been lying on which is lovely. I'm trying to lie on my left as instructed so I think my uterus falls forward and towards gravity pulling it left.

Some mornings it isn't there, like this morning, and I can only assume it means that I failed at staying on my left and probably spent the night on my back which is by far the most comfortable position to be in.

I've decided that lying on my back would actually minimise stretch marks due to the weight of the baby  pulling through my skin when on my side, which is just typical.

I read that lying on my back would mean the weight of the baby would press against vital blood vessels and cut of my circulation to the lower half of my body. 

I've put on another lb this week and shudder at the thought of where I'll end up.

My only symptoms have been itching skin, apparently caused by the heat, and some twinges in my boobs. Oh, and some some really unpleasant shooting pains in my bum.

And the belly of course. I think I'll post up my bump progression next week.

Camel Hump Bump - 14+2

Just a photo that I took this morning of my gut.

I'm trying to suck my belly in as best as I could and that's how well I did, I thought it looked pretty amazing so took a pic :)

P.S. We got a letter the other day confirming "low risk" for abnormalities with baby. No specific probability, though I'm told its at least 1 in 125 to achieve the low risk category.

14 Weeks Pregnant

Gosh, I've had one hell of a long day. Absolutely knackered!

It was my nephews birthday party and in involved 4 hours of driving, a game of bowling and looking after six little boys all aged 6-7... omfg.

What a bunch of little turds!

Not much else to report for this week on top of the headaches and incontinence, oh except for my very gross weeping spots all over my chin and jawline and my excess hair. I had to trim my knuckles (I kid you not) and the fuzz on my faces about 1cm long in places. I'm so lucky that its transparent blonde fuzz, except for the one dark hair on my chin that I have to leave intact for my next electrolysis appointment soon.

Weight wise I'm down 0.8lbs - phew! - and I do think that I am finally starting to pop a little.

Need sleep now.

I Pee'd Myself - 13+5

That was rather unexpected.

Sipping on my drink, went down the wrong hole, started to cough and some pee squirted out!

I wasn't soaked, it was maybe a teaspoon or two of fluid, and for a second I had a horrible thought that maybe it was blood or my waters going (which I assume happens for a mc) but when I ran to the loo and sat down I immediately continued to pee while examining the wetness which was clear.

I really didn't realise that it could happen this soon as I thought it was related to the baby physically squashing the bladder but google showed lots of ladies experiencing the same thing early on and apparently it's another thing linked to the progesterone making everything slack.

Must remember to choke next time instead of cough.

I told James I'd just wet myself and he looked a bit bemused as he glanced at my pants looking for non-existent evidence and he didn't know what to say or how to react but he did smirk when I suggested I should have got some tena lady while shopping this morning.

Oh the joys.

While I was on the loo I also noticed my first actual discharge since stopping the progesterone gloop and it was a lovely reassuring mixture of clear and green snot. Green is linked to STIs which I know I don't have and it doesn't smell nor am I irritated down there so I'm just going to see what it's like in a few days. Why it couldn't have just been typical I don't know.

As for my headache, I'm still not free from discomfort. I've got mild pressure and pain if I shake my head but I'm not suffering. I am surprised its not gone entirely but I'm sure it will definitely be gone by tomorrow!

I've also bought myself a thermometer because I was worried about the heat cooking baby, so I've been using that practically every 10 minutes.

Worst. Headache. Ever. - 13+4

Not kidding. I have been suffering all day long.

I got a bit of a headache last night and by bed time my head was throbbing and I had a bit of a temperature but I figured it was tiredness related and my cure for headaches has always been sleep - wake up in a few hours and it'll be gone.

So I couldn't believe it when I opened my eyes this morning and my head immediately seemed to explode. That has never happened to me before, I have never woken up with a headache, ever, and this one was a corker.

I could hardly move because every time I did my head would have a blinding throbbing fit. If I stayed still it was only intense pressure I had to endure.

James was worried, always asking about the baby before asking about me (yes it is no longer cute daddy but more shit husband and is starting to piss me off), so he dutifully brought me some dry cereal and some orange juice and put me a wet flannel into the freezer before heading off to google.

I was left writhing on the bed but did manage a bit more sleep that again brought no relief by the time I woke up.

James returned with my now frozen flannel which felt amaaaaaaazing on my head and eyes and also brought grave news. Headaches are caused by steroid withdrawal and last two weeks!

Bullshit. There is no way I'm having a headache for two weeks!

Then he started asking me questions about if I'd weaned myself off them slow enough and if I'd done alternate days with 1mg and none at all... I'd done exactly as the clinic told me was my response, which did not include anything more complicated than reducing the dosage by 1mg every three days until I was completely off them and that is what I did.

By about lunch time my head was still really awful but I was sick of lying in bed so I got up and made it all the way to the couch before lying down again.

It wasn't until dinner time that I seemed to feel bearable pressure while sitting still and it was only if I moved quickly or flicked my head that I'd be subjected to another agonising thumping.

I knew I wasn't dying because I was still eating (I'm such a trooper) and the inevitable nausea related to such sever headaches was being kept at bay with my seabands. I thought maybe my nausea had just gone but as soon as I removed them I felt ill so back on they went, even if they are a little tight and leave temporary sore points on my wrists.

I'm in bed now with a frozen flannel at the ready to help me off to sleep, but I am feeling better. I do still have a headache but the pressure is mild and the throbbing much more dull. 

I fully expect it to be gone in the morning.

If not, I think I might have to resort to some paracetamol which I had intentionally avoided today because I don't trust it with pregnancy enough to take it without an absolute essential need. I think the  sensation of my brain being splattered on the walls is a suitable emergency but we'll see.

I was supposed to be going swimming tomorrow but I do wonder if the swimming yesterday (plus vacuuming) might have contributed to the headache so I'm not going to go now, maybe on Friday instead.

Consultation and Doula - 13+3

Back to the hospital today for a consultation with the obstetrician to discuss my ongoing medications. I'd completely forgot about it actually until last night, I mean I knew it was coming but time is flying so quickly that it crept up on me.

Sitting in the waiting room, it was 50 minutes later than our appointment time that we was finally called in and during that time I'd witnessed one women bawling after the sonographer told her that the baby wasn't moving properly, whatever that means, and another women have a swig of a drink only to regurgitate it all over herself moments later.

I was feeling increasingly ill myself with the heat and lack of fresh air so I started squirming as I got whiffs of the sweet sickly smell of whatever that women had been drinking, but fortunately my name was mercifully called right in time.

We were lead into a room and were not met by the Mr H in the appointment letter, but a women who looked about my age who introduced herself as "Emily" although it turned out she was the obstetrician.

Not being funny but I don't appreciate putting my health or my baby's health in someone's hands who chooses to reduce themselves to social equality. I want someone better than myself.

I asked where Mr H was and she explained that who I saw depended on the rota and he was "just" the head consultant and she and her two peers were peons basically. She apologetically asked if I particularly wanted to see him but I replied that I wasn't bothered who I'd see but I expected to have been allocated a particular obstetrician to see during my entire pregnancy but she repeated that it was the luck of the draw on the day. Great.

She didn't show much interested or concern regarding my request for a continued prescription for Clexane to keep my blood clot free. She anticipated my request and complied.

They dipped a urine sample for proteins and whatever else but didn't actually tell me the result and my blood pressure was good.

I mentioned my pain under my right ribs after eating sometimes and she said it sounded like gallstones and she started asking about my diet but she suggested it should be worse after fatty foods but it isn't. Soup and dry bread set it off today. I checked google later and I'm not sure my pain is bad enough either.

We also had a brief discussion about due date after she commented on how baby was spot on for 13 week in that bloody graph and we just talked in circles about measurements vs IVF fertilisation date. I think she understood and even agreed but I don't know if she actually changed my dates or not.

After collecting my drugs on the way out, we grabbed a McDs on the way home and waited in for the doula who was visiting to basically meet and see if we wanted to go ahead and book her.

First impressions was that she seems nice.

She was short and broad and probably about 50. She had a very broad accent.

I don't know what i was expecting but she wasn't very well turned out. She had dyed hair with thick band of grey roots showing and her clothing was summer casual frilly vest and cropped linen pants. It just didn't seem like any kind of considered outfit for the purpose of selling herself as a doula.

At first it was a bit awkward because I wasn't sure who was supposed to say what but she mostly just explained what a doula was and the bits that stuck out was her explaining how she'd ensure that consent was maintained throughout labour, so instead of the midwife acting upon routine and almost consenting on my behalf via my own ignorance of what was actually happening she would intervene and explain and then seek consent for the midwife, and also where she said that she support James in case he started to feel like he didn't know what was going on and if everything was ok.

She said to see some other doulas and contact her to let her know if I wanted to book her but I already think that I will. 

She didn't get my back up at all and she seemed like she could handle herself, so what more could you want really. Her credentials are all very positive too.

My Precious - 13+2

It happened sooner than anticipated to be honest.

I had been threatening and practising but really not wanting it to happen so putting it off until today...

My rings have come off :(

I anticipated that they'd get stuck and hated the thought of them being cut off so today I thought I'd just check I could still get them off and couldn't! I really thought it was already too late, maybe the heat has puffed me up, but I knew if I didn't get them off immediately that I'd be stuffed.

Soap didn't work. Oil didn't work. Sucking didn't work.

In the end I had to use my teeth to twist it up my finger in spite of the pain and the increasing dark purple that my finger was going. It took ages and it really hurt and then i had to repeat!

The I had to figure out where one puts their most valued possession. If we get robbed I don't want them taking them so all the drawers and boxes are out of the question so in the end I decided to sellotape them to the back of something stuck down and out of sight. James thought I was nuts lol

Now I have to walk around like I'm unwed and it bothers me because it doesn't accurately reflect my life choices so I'm thinking of maybe getting a cheap fat wife ring.

In other news, my right side really hurts just under my ribs. Is that my liver? I'm under the impression I need one of those but maybe it's just steroid withdrawal related?

James said I should go to the doc, after asking if the pain will affect the baby... Not unless it kills me off it shouldn't, thanks.

13 Weeks Pregnant

So am I now in the second trimester?! No idea.

It seems to be at the end of the 12th, 13th or 14th week but saying that some people say that 13 weeks pregnant would be the 14th week or something...? When something so simple become so complicated...

This week has flown by with all the scans and things, cant believe we don't have another for several weeks, but I have had quite a few more severe symptoms than normal. Nothing horrible, but things that really took me to the edge and played on my mind a bit.

The main thing has been pains in my abdomen. Actually quite crampy at times, and by crampy I mean that it was persistent waves of discomfort. At the time I was trying to think round ligament but this was central and round ligament pain is supposed to be more towards the groin.

I had that for a couple of days and wondered if it was possibly exercise related because I've been going swimming twice per week and that is very dependant on stretching and posture, so maybe I pulled something.

Then to coincide with the pains, I do have the impression that I have popped a little bit. I've mentioned heaviness before but I'm almost a bit put off balance sometimes. Obviously not in a very real way, I'm nowhere near falling or even misplacing my footing but I just feel like I lean a tiny bit more than I intend sometimes.

I'm starting to feel aware of a bit more bulk up front. James has commented but sometimes I wondered if I'm letting my posture slump and gut hang on purpose, not anymore. James assures me it can't all be that, some of it has to be baby (because I'm so frickin huge?).

I have now been weaning off most of my ongoing immune medications and I feel my worse since my BFP! I have had bouts of nausea again and yesterday I actually thought to myself I could literally be sick for a few minutes. I have also been getting sharp headaches every now and again.

I actually had my very last intralipid done yesterday. Another new nurse who was pretty boring but she was good with the needle and managed to get it done in 100 minutes which is a record by about an hour.

My weight this week has only gone up by 0.4lb but that brings the total to 7lbs for the 1st Tri which is still quite a lot really. I do retain water like a cactus though.

Nuchal Translucency Scan - 12+4

My oh my. I am officially an Nhs snob and feel completely justified too!

I went in for my nuchal translucency scan today and even before we got out of the car I was pissed off when I realised we had to pay for parking. Pay for bloody parking?! Pay, as in I was taking a leisurely walk around the shops or something, but I wasn't. I was actually attending an essential hospital appointment. Visitors, fine. Patients paying for parking for day appointments? Tax paying patients paying for parking for day appointments?! What a joke.

Muttering to myself all the way to the Maternity and Gynaecology Unit we walk in and eventually find our way to the Antenatal Scan Unit.

Walking in, I feel like I've time travelled back to the 90's. It's clean, but very dated and cluttered.  No pride. Everything attached to the walls with sellotape in a haphazard fashion.

We go to the reception and she flicks through my booklet and asks for a specific form which I tell her is actually in the booklet. She finds it and then very loudly asks if I'm here for the "Downs Syndrome Test" which immediately offends me.

It's not called the downs syndrome test. The test is for other conditions besides downs syndrome and in fact downs syndrome is the least fatal of them. Plus, my baby still might have a syndrome and I resent it being implied that downs is the worst thing that can happen when it isn't.

I've been looking at kiddies with downs and they are much more widely recognised within society and mostly live very normal lives for people with sometimes severe mental and physical disabilities.

Then you've got the poor kiddies who get edwards syndrome or patau syndrome or one of the others trisomy defects and they are born to die, if they make it that far. Not worth mentioning apparently.

And anyway, why assume we're all so thick that we don't know what a bloody nuchal scan is when that is what we're there for?!

What a cow.

Sitting down waiting, James goes and fetches me drinks to help along my full bladder. It comes out of a dispenser but its clearly tap water - it tastes like bleach. I like my water at least filtered if you don't mind, I knew I should have brought in my Evian. I studied Geology and Environmental Sciences - I know where tap water has been!

The other couples that come in are the typical mix required to make the world go round - kids having kids, Polish, women with their mums, young ethic girls with older white gentlemen, women on their own. All looking a little awkward, except one lady who was more my type and chatting away to her husband about her birthing plan. I learned something quite handy really from listening in, something about them having to provide hand held heart rate checking devices and last time them checking her manually every 20 mins rather than strapping her up to a machine on the bed.

As we sat there I noticed a sign stating to ask if you want an ultrasound photo which seemed odd because I couldn't understand who would not want one.

We were finally called in and the lady was really old but seemed nice enough and I got on the bed and got my gut out. I always remember ladies stating how surprised how low down they do abdominal scans and this has caused me to be surprised at how high up they do them on me because it was only about an inch below my belly button.

There was an almighty fart as she squeeze out the gel and I could feel it spray everywhere *sigh* but not as cold as expected either.

The monitor was high up on the wall about 6 foot away but big enough to see clearly, but I could probably have done with my glasses on really.

I thought it was bad yesterday but today the baby was dead for ages. I'm so glad that I saw it only yesterday because that kept me going while we waited and waited. She did say that the baby moved but I didn't really see it so I was just looking out for the heartbeat but even when she had the baby in the usual length ways cross section and slowly panned through the baby neither me nor James could see a heartbeat. Back and forth she went again and again and nothing.

I wasn't freaking out, I was thinking more along the lines of how crap this stone age equipment was and with granny at the machine too and I was getting a bit irritated to be honest.

Eventually she stopped and proudly stated that the heartbeat was there and squinting I could just about make it out, but baby wasn't happy either and he started bucking away so she lost it and decided to attempt the measurement and nuchal reading instead.

He measured... wait for it... 68mm(!) compared to 62mm yesterday and that put him at 13w. That is what it says on my notes anyway even though the monitor said 13+1.

My telling her that I had IVF and the most accurate date possible is 12+4 and it isn't dependant on her measurements clearly went in one ear and out of the other.

Then it was time to measure the nuchal fold and she managed to sneak in a measurement of 1.1mm before baby had enough and began to violently protest.

There seemed to be much less fluid in there with him today and the walls of the uterus seemed to be closing in on him (maybe due to full bladder but the lady said uterine contraction???) and he started bucking away. He wasn't having any of it. Every time she got close to finding his neck he'd buck and twist and I actually started to feel a bit concerned... It seemed like distress.

To be honest I was worrying about two scans in as many days so that was playing on my mind and now baby was really giving it some. I just wanted to go and pee asap incase the full bladder was squishing him.

That might sound ridiculous but James felt the same. Did you know that pregnant women can pee anywhere, anytime because they should not hold their pee?

Anyway, so the lady was trying and trying for ages and was getting a bit frustrated until she finally grabbed another measurement from thin air and announced she was done.

We said we'd like a photograph so she quickly took one and put it into a folder and handed it over - "£4 please".

..............

I had exactly £4 in my purse and I really had to suck in the pregnancy hormones because a large part of me wanted to have a tantrum but I think ultimately I was too outraged to react and also really wanted to empty my bladder for baby.

Looking in the wallet it is literally the same photo, twice.

Back into the waiting room, waiting to have blood taken for the second part of the assessment, we noticed a broken machine offering stamps at £4 each to be exchanged for ultrasound photos.

I didn't feel like I was waiting too long, maybe 20 mins, when I was called in by a nurse who turned out to be very competent at getting my veins to play nice. I phased out for a little while, I'm not going to gawk at the giant needle going in, so she asked if I was feeling ok. 

I replied I was just relieved to know where the nearest defibrillator was, as explained in the signs on the wall opposite me.

She then got my booklet out and informed me of my new EDD of 15th January, which I immediately disregarded, and she showed me my babies growth chart which showed him to be slap bang on target... for 13 weeks -_-

They know the age of the baby exactly, he is 12+4 without question and therefore you'd think they'd use the information that he was measuring at 13+0 to highlight that he is currently above average in size (according to their machine anyway because he was just 1 day ahead yesterday). I doubt that it has any significance, but it is accurate. Using the sonographers measurement, which they are the first people to suggest is not perfect, and using it to classify my baby as perfectly average when he isn't seems stupid. Yes, it is. It's bloody stupid.

She then told me that if I didn't hear from them that I'd eventually get a letter through telling me everything was ok but if they phoned then the results needed to be discussed, but my nuchal reading was apparently 1.5mm when the abnormal cut off is 3.5mm so that looks very promising.

I've done a lot of soul searching about the whole chromosomally abnormal baby thing, in fact I'd done it before we'd gotten pregnant because to be honest when things were looking rosy we weren't 100% sure about how we'd deal with the situation if you know what I mean. Now, however, we'd definitely be grateful for whatever we were given and you even wonder sometimes if all the crap you have to endure is to force you into such a situation that completes you even though it would have at one time destroyed you, so I had been suspecting that I might have been destined to have a handicapped child.

I don't know if that seems really bazaar, but I was more surprised than I anticipated that the nuchal reading was normal. Life hasn't been normal for so long.

Oh! Actually I just remembered that I really shit James up earlier too. He was waiting outside during the  bloods because he's a wuss and he'd missed the whole conversation before she called him in and she left to get something. I'd previously told him the nuchal reading needed to be less than 2.5mm so as he walked in, I said "oh, it wasn't what I said earlier, it was 3.5mm" and he went a bit of a grey colour and I continued by saying "so it's even better" to which he looked confused.

He thought that I meant the 1.1mm reading from earlier was actually 3.5mm so well over the 2.5mm! Oops.

All in all, I do think the whole Nhs hospital setting is something I'm going to have to get my head around but it wasn't as dirty as I thought it might be and I do have higher hopes of the midwives being a bit more personable.

I've got my 20 weeks scan booked for the 27th August and I'm glad it's ages away!

Still not heard the baby's heartbeat or got a reading so I'm going to borrow SILs doppler and hopefully it'll be a good one and give a reading too. It looked so slow today.

Here is the photo of baby. You can see how cramped he looks! I am charging 20p per view to cover the incurred expenses :P

"Dating" Scan - 12+3

And breathe - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

HOLY CRAP I'M OFFICIALLY 12 WEEKS AND STILL PREGNANT!!! :D

I'm feeling so reflective upon everything we've been through up to this point. How the hell did we end up here?!?!?!?

Oh boy was I so done with IVF and instead of just about getting ready for the next cycle to start - I'd  already plotted it on my calendar - I'm actually pregnant and not just pregnant, but a trimester down!

I actually had right up until 2015 plotted with fitness goals and IVF cycles and by that time I'll be morbidly obese and a mum instead, a good trade off I reckon. I'm glad I got out of that bloody Insanity DVD.

James was clearly feeling the same as me as he was keen to talk about the ups and downs we've endured. 

He's infertile, but we get IVF. 

We do IVF but it fails badly. 

Just bad luck apparently but it fails again with no hope.

We try all the latest techniques and it still fails.

We find techniques not in the UK and it gets better, but still fails.

We find the techniques in the UK and its the worst yet.

We have one last hope with antibiotics, nothing seems to improve...

But now we're 12 weeks pregnant!

The scan today was met mostly with excitement, but it is so hard to actually be positive and enthusiastic like how everyone expects us to be. "Have fun" I've been told and I just think it feels too serious. I'm wrong of course, it should be fun, but laughing is the last thing on my mind while I'm sitting I'm that waiting room.

The thing that was top of my mind was baby and then the close second was embarrassment because I have the worst bikini line rash I've ever had. Sure, this is much more attractive than glossy curls of ash blonde. Fine, dark ash blonde! James must feel cheated that I'm not really beach babe blonde because he hates me saying I'm blonde when I genuinely am a shade of blonde. Anyway I digress.

So lovely red raw itchy spotty rash down my thighs - check!

We get called in and I'm about to nip to the loo but she requests that I don't and we go for abdominal scan instead which was fine (yessssssss!). A bit disappointed it was the less preferred sonographer though. They must alternate each fortnight. She's ok but very clinical and reserved.

For example - she asked if I had spotting so I told her about my recent episode and follow it up with reading about AF related breakthrough bleeding and she goes quiet, keeping her face straight, and then finally says "Hmmm, I guess that could happen". Wtf, seriously. Thanks.

I'm on the bed, feeling like I need to take my knickers off just to help me relax, and watching the black screen while she starts smearing slime just above my muff line.

Baby appears but is very still.

She does a top to bottom scan and I don't see a thing and then back to the baby from the side but still no movement.

This was all done in a a few seconds but it felt like forever and I started to feel the ground swallowing me up. I think it's dead. I think the baby is dead.

And then the fucking heartbeat. Little shit could have just wiggled a little bit!

The scan continued, no one else realising I'd just undergone the emotional trauma of the baby dying, being resurrected and me realising with horror it had already inherited being an arsehole (from its dad of course *cough*).

The rest of the scan was brilliant, really good.

Oh, except for looking very much like it has a scrotum in the 3d scan! I daren't mention it because I don't want to know and didn't want to risk it being confirmed but she clearly felt the need to acknowledge it because there is no way we weren't both looking at it - the huge bulk between its legs.

The sonographer rather tactfully chose to inform us that a baby's sex cannot be identified this early and girls and boys both have the same. Telling the truth? I know it's not entirely accurate. Trying to be kind? Maybe. Saving her skin? More likely.

Believe it or not, I have purposely not been looking at gender scans because I know I'll see what I don't want to see if I know what to look for but it didn't look like a nub to me without any research required - it looked like baby had balls. Not the cord either.

Just to annoy anyone keeping up to date with my blog, I'm going to exclude all images of the balls because I don't want to acknowledge them further and I don't want opinions. I'm just going to hold on to any shred of doubt until after my gender reveal party and I'll show you after then.

We left the scan feeling fine, very happy :)

Seeing the nurse afterwards was a trial because the consultant had told us one thing and the nurse had no record so she was conferring with a different consultant who was telling her wrong.

In the end we kind of compromised and I'm just going to do whatever I think is best and whinge at the original consultant in the meantime.

I'm currently stopping all the drugs (thank god!) except the blood thinners.

We went shopping for a bit and I looked very pregnant in my dress, until I started noticing all the other people who were clearly more pregnant then me. Should they be out in this heat? :P

Ok, here is a better 3d photo. The head looks pretty... interesting... but the elbows and things are amazing!

And here is the link to the video :)

https://vimeo.com/70001246

12 Weeks Pregnant

Omg! 12 weeks pregnant :D

Gone quickly, hasn't it? I suppose I should have expected that really.

The burning question is though... Am I now in the 2nd trimester?

Apparently it can be determined by three different factors and each one influences when the 1st trimester ends and the 2nd trimester begins.

One of the ways is based on the development of the baby and then the other two are based upon dividing either the period of time since LMP to EDD or the period of time since conception to EDD by three.

I'm going to go off the development of the baby and why everyone doesn't adopt this method I don't know why, because that is the only factor that is consistent for every pregnancy. Basing anything on the EDD when it is an unknown seems a bit daft.

So, yes! I'm now classing myself as being in the second trimester :D Crazy or what?!

Well, I suppose I'll have to wait until my scan on Tuesday for my official confirmation but the spotting seems to have stopped as soon as it started and I think everything will be ok.

I thought I'd actually popped this morning but progression photos showed that there has still been little difference in my bump, or lack of. I have been feeling heavy up front though, especially when I bend forward. It's hard to describe but it just feels like something shifts forward and prevents me bending as freely.

I did have a tantrum though after getting on the scales. I'd put on 2.4lbs last week and felt glum, well I'd put on an additional 3.6lbs this week... How?!

That's a total of over 6lbs in total during the 1st Trimester, compared to the recommended maximum of 4.5lbs, and what is worst is that it's pushed me into the next stone bracket on the scales.

I've always been chubby so I figured no big deal if I put on weight during pregnancy because I'm used to being bigger, but honestly, I feel really upset about it. I feel like a huge big fat cow who will be so massive come labour that it'll take me years just to get down to a small enough size to use my frozen embryos :(

Also, I've been getting some nasty pains low down. I assume round ligament but I thought I was already getting those previously and they felt different. They were more like stretching warm aches whereas these are very brief but sharp ouchies very low down.

Boobs are huge and getting more huge, but nothing else to report really.

Skin is ok at the moment and the hairs have yet to recover the electrolysis.

I'm enjoying very spicy foods, disliking vegetables and although I have now attempted chocolate, I didn't enjoy that either. Melon was popular but I think that phase is passing. I don't really fancy anything in particular.

I am tired, but still waking 6am every morning and not getting to sleep until 11pm so that's not exactly a long time.

Hmmmmmmm, and that's it I guess!

Spotting Again Update - 11+6

Last night I had a thorough antiseptic wash in the knicker department to make sure there was no pessary bits irritating me and also so that I'd be able to see any new blood vs remnants of yesterday's gush.

I did find a lot of lumps of pessary gloop and they were dark chocolate brown, very very dark.

Today has been ok. Better.

I am still wiping small dark lumps but I haven't had any actual orangey red smears which is the really scary bit.

I'm just hoping it continues to ease off now until my gloop is the usual creamy orange colour.

I don't have any cramps, except the odd cervix twinge and low sharp stab, so I'm trying to remain optimistic as everything was ok after the last time.

Right on que I had a conversation with one of the clinic consultants today on a completely unrelated issue that I'm sure I'll mention on scan day, but before every sentence he added the disclaimer "hoping the everything works out" and added to my spotting and my impending scan I took it a bit personally.

Would it be so bad if they assumed it was going to work out by default and risk being wrong rather than sitting on the bloody fence?

Hopefully I'm in the clear after this recent scare.

Spotting again - 11+5

Just did my pessary this morning and as I pulled out the applicator it was covered in watery blood, maybe burnt orange in colour. I've shit myself of course and jumped right onto Google.

I'm trying to think what might have lead up to this and I remember just yesterday complaining to James about some itchy stabs near my cervix implying maybe I was getting a build up of pessary rubber and also yesterday I had a bit of unexpected bowel movement and went from being very constipated to being on the loo until it was coming out a little runny. I put it down to dodgy cake at the time.

Google suggested that the placenta is taking over now so that somehow causes bleeding and also that my period might be due around this time (the same advice I gave someone one else who recently had spotting actually).

It doesn't really help though.

Just checked when I last had spotting was and it was pretty much 4 weeks ago though so maybe there is something in it?

It's so hard not to melodramatically drop to my knees with hand raised to the sky shouting out "Why meeeeee?!?!?!?!" but I'm trying to remain calm. And rational.

Actually I'm also feeling glum that I should do bed rest now and I was supposed to be having a much craved for extra hot Nandos today :(

No point in phoning the clinic I reckon, I've got a scan early next week anyway... which will probably be very intense again now *sigh*.

Just when I was feeling really very settled with everything :(

First Midwife Appointment - 11+3

The appointment with my midwife was yesterday, so when I was actually 11+2, so quite late in the scheme of things.

When I originally phoned up my GP at 8 weeks to see the community midwife I was told that I needed to see her between 8-10 weeks and then told she wasn't free until three weeks later, so not a very reassuring start.

My problem is that admittedly I'm really quite cynical regarding the Nhs to start with, having more than one family member who work within it and listened to all the stories of incompetence and bitching and a genuine lack of compassion.

Add that to my own sense of putting in way more via taxes than I have ever been able to access and I guess I'm poised to seek the negatives to validate my preconceived opinions rather than the good points, but being aware of this help to keep me opened minded in spite of myself and that is what I did.

Needless to say the whole thing was the farse that I expected.

I'm welcomed in and sat down at the desk and after a brief introduction she starts rummaging around for "the forms". I'd been pre warned that this would be a long 60+ mins appointment due to all the form filling so I braced myself for a thud upon the desk as she heaved them down, however I was surprised that she carefully placed only about three pages in front of her.

Name, address, marital status, ethnic origin, religion... Oh, better take my weight and height.

Then she asked which maternity unit and suddenly I felt on the spot, like I was making a huge decision based on absolutely nothing. I asked if she had any recommendations knowing full well I didn't value her opinion in the slightest and that there was just one unit on the internet that seemed like the logical choice, so basically I didn't really have any choice.

She still made a crack at a couple of units though, the one that I was leaning towards in Derby and she also pointed out that a lot of women she sees pick one in Nottingham. I asked which is better and she reassured me that the one in Derby was better so that was that. Another form was filled.

The final form was the health medical history and she streamed off a list of conditions of which I had none and then I informed her of the medications that I'm on as my of my IVF immune treatment. She wrote them all down looking very perplexed and then announced I'd definitely be consultant lead care and that she'd have to phone ahead and see if the consultant would see me at my 12 week ultrasound.

She was one the phone for ages and she kept referring back to me asking what each medication was for and I felt a bit like an idiot because I don't really know. I never really acknowledged there being anything wrong with my fertility so all these medications are just precautionary and uninteresting as far as I'm concerned. The thing is though that I want my blood clotting to continued to be managed because clots are a definite cause of healthy pregnancy loss particularly in the later stages.

She confirmed with me I wanted a nuchal scan measurement doing at my 12 weeks scans and it was all booked over the phone. They would also try to get me to see the consultant at the same time but could I bring a note from my fertility consultant explaining my current prescriptions.

I listened on as the topic changed on the phone and they were joking around with each other about work and my midwife must have forgotten herself because she even made a joke about just sending all the patients at my GP to Derby and all the patients at another GP to Nottingham.

When she was off the phone she must have known what I was thinking before I asked for clarification about which unit she thought was better. Derby, she said, was much more involved in continuous risk assessment whereas Nottingham was more laid back in their approach. Needless to say the summary of Nottingham appealed more to me because I don't want to be intruded upon during labour, but trying to be sensible Derby still makes more sense.

So, all the forms filled, it was time to take blood for several things of which I'd get told the results only if they required action. That went surprising well considering my veins are crap.

I sat down again, realising I'd been in there for an hour already, and she handed me a bounty pack and a blue folder.

The date of my 12 week scan was confirmed for the day after my 12 week scan at my fertility clinic, so I'm getting two consecutive scans, and she told me with a very serious face that I must take my blue folder with me and the documents insides or they won't do the scan when I arrive (because they can't checked the computer to confirm my identity and appointment?!).

I know I'm going to forget them!

Anyway. That was that. As I was leaving she informed me that there was a number if I ever needed to speak to her but she was very rarely actually available so to just speak to whoever is free. Very reassuring.

I wondered out, realised the appointment had been closer to 80 minutes and I wondered why it took so bloody long.

I felt my opinions has sadly been validated. It just wasn't what I'd hoped for really and I suppose I must have been naive to expect the enthusiastic midwife dedicated just to me and putting herself forward as a person to be relied upon during what is a very significant time in someone's life.

No question about me having a doula now!

Oh, and the famous bounty pack... What a crock. It's like a collection of all the spam mail they want to send you but haven't been accidentally given permission to by one of their third party partners.

I get another pack - if I fill out an address form. Yeah, like I'm that stupid!